Another new member, another thank you, another story.

Searider · New User Joined: 04 Jul 2008 Posts: 1

I just wanted to take a moment and post for the first time and let all of you know how helpful, painful, and ultimately beneficial this forum and all of the links within have been in the past week. Thank you all so much for sharing your stories, and for supporting each other so strongly. It's been uplifting to read at a time when I've needed it a lot.

Just two weeks ago, my 66 year-old father called me to ask me to take him to the hospital for a procedure, but since he's never been very good medical terminology and his memory has always been like a sieve, all he could really tell me was they "wanted to scope him" because they were concerned about his jaundice, which had occurred rapidly in the week before, and that he wouldn't be able to drive after. As many of you already recognize, the appointment was for an ERCP and a stent placement.

The procedure went well, and Dad went home for another week. His moderate (but growing) back pain (that he had assumed was a result of his M.S., and therefore basically ignored) lessened, and he was feeling pretty good. The Dr. told me that this would relieve some of the pressure on his celiac nerve, but that he was going to be doing a biopsy as well, and that we'd set up an appointment for the next week to discuss it.

A week later, to the day, I went over to his house to take him in to get his liver levels checked, and found him completely disoriented and having difficulty talking. I recognized the signs immediately; my mother died from liver failure 17 years ago, and I'm familiar with the signs of high ammonia levels. So, I called an ambulance and after a 8-hour day in the ER, he was admitted. It has been the worst week of his life.

He has been in absolute agonizing pain, managed by morphine injections every two hours while the staff subjected him to CTs, MRIs, X-rays, the whole kit and caboodle. It was established quickly that his liver was mostly engulfed by tumors, and we had to figure out where it started: the colon or the pancreas, so a colonoscopy was performed two days ago. There was no sign of tumors in the colon, and so pancreas it was.

Last night, he was started on palliative care, and I'm supposed to be contacted by Hospice today to start the process of moving him home. At first, before the Dilaudid drip that was put in last night, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to handle being his primary caregiver; he was alternating between lucidity and bouts of angry combativeness and disorientation, and had to be sedated on more than one occasion so that he wouldn't hurt himself or others. Now, though, he's resting comfortably and doesn't seem to be as tense from the pain, though he's pretty much out most of the time. The pain has been the absolute worst part of this whole thing, and knowing that he's not feeling it right now makes me feel like sobbing in relief.

A nurse called me at 6am this morning to inform me that he's still resting well, but that his respiration has slowed to about 8-12 breaths a minute. I have a feeling that he won't linger long now that he's out of pain, and I'm thankful for it, and I know he is too.

My father, like so many others, was a strong, intelligent man with a smile that lit up a room. He has always been quiet and introverted, and never asks for help, which made getting this cancer noticed and diagnosed before it spread nearly impossible. The thing that Dad couldn't wrap his mind around, nor anyone else, was just how damn QUICK this happened, or seemed to happen. The cancer had been growing and spreading unnoticed, and by the time we got symptoms, it was stage 4.

He has always been scared to die this way; his mother died of uterine cancer very slowly, his uncle of lung cancer, and his father was helpless at his end too. This is everything he's never wanted to happen to him, and I am praying that he lets go and finds peace. He doesn't want to live like this.

As much as I've talked about this with family and friends and doctors and nurses all week, it feels good to share it here, too, with those of you who have been through it. It has been a week that has felt like a month, and now that he's finally out of pain and calm, it feels like it's all hitting me at once. The dilaudid has been a blessing for him, and I am saying prayers to as many gods as I can name that it continues to keep him comfortable and allows him to pass peacefully and swiftly.

Know that you're all also in my thoughts in your personal battles, and that I hope you and your loved ones find peace in whatever course you take.

Angela77 · New User Joined: 15 Oct 2007 Posts: 8

Hi Searider,

I'm very sorry to hear about your Dad. I lost my Dad a little over a month ago on June 5th. He was 63 years old. It was only 6 months from the time of diagnosis to my Dad's death and like your Dad, the cancer was already stage 4 when he was diagnosed. Pancreatic cancer is so aggressive and moves so quickly. My Dad was also quiet and didn't complain about much...he admitted he had symptoms probably a year before diagnosis. But he just thought his back pain and tiredness were a result of getting older. He had no idea it could be cancer. This has certainly been the most difficult time in my life. It was terrible watching my Dad's health decline and seeing him in pain. I'm glad your Dad isn't in pain right now. At the end, they had to put my Dad into a medically induced coma because all of the other drugs just weren't effective enough for him. They said they don't have to do that very often though. At least my Dad's passing was very peaceful and we knew he was no longer suffering. I hope for the same for your Dad. Please don't hesitate to message me if you need someone to talk to or you have any questions. I know exactly what you're going through right now.

Take care,
Angela

JLC · Regular Joined: 18 May 2008 Posts: 23

Searider,

I am so sorry. I lost my mom on June 5th like Angela. Those liver failure symptoms I know very well. And I know how they make you feel. I hope that your father is as pain-free as possible, and that he knows peace. Say what you need to say, love how you need to love, and enjoy him as much as possible. I was with my mom round the clock the last week of her life and I wouldn't give that time up for anything.

I wish you and your family peace and healing in the time to come. You will be in my heart and my thoughts.

J
_________________
Dad ~ diagnosed with EC in 2001 and cancer free since 2003.

Mom ~ Passed away June 2008 from pancreatic cancer.

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