I found her dead, found out after it was cancer

Mummytolew · Regular Joined: 10 Sep 2008 Posts: 10

I feel kinda bad typing this, like its a private thing ive gone thru and that i shouldnt tell people but its eating me up every second. Ive just joined but ive been reading the stories on here for a while hoping to gain some insight into my mums illness/ cause of death.
In Nov 2005 i lost my dad to lung cancer which had metastasized to the bones before we found out. there was nothing they could do bar a few bouts of radiation to prevent the tumours growing and breaking any more bones. he had a tumour on his spine bottom and top and one that destroyed his hip bone. he ended up in a head brace/cage and fought on like that for 6 months before dying peacefully at home. It was a massive massive shock, the whole thing happened so fast, we never talked about my dads illness to him, and always talked about when he got better, even tho we all knew he wouldnt. i regret that. he might have been scared of death and wanted to talk it over but mum didnt like us to upset him, particullaly with the amount of drugs they were pumping in which seemed to just make him hallucinate....anyway dad died nov 2005, and we tried to keep mum going, i had a son in jan 2007 who she adored but she was never the same after dad and always wrote poems and stuff talking about when they would be back together etc. I used to selfishly think, u have ur kids u should want to live for us.... i realise now he was her absolute soul mate and life just wasnt the same without him.
In jan this year my mum, who has been sick/in pain for all of my life with arthritis, hernias, oedema eveery illness u can think of shes had over the years but has always bounced back from, shes never been very mobile, started to become ill. She has had years of heavy bleeding which she put down to the menopause etc.... too embarressed to go the doctors shes never had a smear and wouldnt talk to anyone about "womens problems"... well in jan the pain started to get real bad and she started going off food. she lost 7 stone between xmas and july. she was still 13 stone tho so the docs didnt seem concerned. In April she had an MRI scan of her pelvis. we were all dreading and fearing the worst.. but no the consultant said it was a large fibroid, but it was dying from the inside, promised it was not cancer and there was no need for a hysterectomy as it would die of its own accord. he told her that maybe her issues around food were psychological... she accepted that the pain was the fibroid and she was just being silly about food, tried to eat but couldnt. she was referred back to another consultant to have her digestive system checked. she had a camera down her throat which revealed nothing, a chest x ray and was due to have a camera up her back side on 20/08/08, she got the hospital but started having a panic attack and refused to stay in, my sis begged the nurse to keep her in and put her on a drip but they said they couldnt without her consent. that was on the wednesday. i spoke to her on the phone plenty that week, she sounded the same, in pain but putting it down to the fibyroid, taking the oromorf, saying how tired she felt. I went down to see her on the sat but she went to bed saying she didnt feel well, felt a bit confused. She didnt pay anattention to my son which was very strange. I asked her if she wanted a doctor or an ything... she refused, refused the hospital. Sunday morning 24/08/08, spoke to her 10.30 in the morning, she didnt sound right, a bit off, lethargic... said she felt confused, i said how worried we all were and would she please go to hospital, she said "no that will just worry me more". My sister sleeps of a day time (she lived with mum)... she rings me at 7.30 pm saying she thinks mums dead. i rush down there and mum is sat on the toilet, i squeezed myself in there to check for a pulse, try and revive her, but she was cold and stiff. that will always haunt me. I have so many questions. The post mortem revealed a malignant uterine tumour with disemated neoplasms which had spread as far as her lungs. im still waiting for the fulll report to be sent to me. How can someone go from having no cancer in April to dying in august? did she have cancer and it was misdiagnosed. how did i not force her to go to hospital, i knew she had cancer in my heart even when the drs said she didnt. I miss her every second, and in my head im imagining her laying there dying alone. she was my best friend and must have been in so much pain which she was masking with the oromorf how can this happen. i want her back

Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 790 Location: UK

Oh my dear - what an awful story. I am so sorry for you and your sister.

I do think some questions need answering.

dllfb · Regular Joined: 24 Jul 2008 Posts: 42

Dear Mummy...so so sorry for your loss. Please do not blame yourself. Your mother knew what she wanted. Her body...her choices. She is now at peace with your dad...together again. Please find some comfort in that. God Bless at this time and grant you peace.

brainman

Oh my dear, how terrible! I am so sorry about your mother's death. My heart reaches out to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

Mummytolew · Regular Joined: 10 Sep 2008 Posts: 10

thank you so much for your replies.

But do any of you know how quick cancer can kill you or is it individual to everyone? I cant believe that you can go from no cancer to dead in 4 months, without it even being detected. My mum was begging for a hysterectomy in april, and this is a woman who is petrified of hospitals and would endure broken bones without treatment rather than go to hospital even as an outpatient, ive since found out the tumour they thought was a fibroid was 11 cms across... thats half a new born baby... how can the consultant not have at least thought right i will do a chest x ray just to check its not malignant, it was only 4 months later under another consultant that an x ray was ordered. Is that consultant to blame? I dont know. the coroner i spoke to said if it was her she would make an appt with that consultant and ask why this was missed and whyhe didnt think it was necasary to keep an eye on the fibroid. doing my own research on the net any fibroid over 5cms with signs of necrosis (cells dying) should be closely monitered, so why didnt he?.....my mum had end stage cancer... i saw my dad writhing around on the bed screaming with this so the pain she must have been in must have been inimaginable and we didnt help her. im eaten up with guilt

se7en

Mummytolew,
That is a dreadful thing to happen. As mentioned your mom knew what she wanted and what she didn't want. There are many questions that stumble through your head after the fact. Try your best to find those answers.
I can't talk too much about other cancers. I've only experienced Pancreatic with my mom. Let me start by saying she was very strong and very stubborn and the greatest thing through my life. She hadn't seen a doctor since I was born 34 years ago. She would always deal with her ailments on her own. I am much the same way although I do see a doctor if I have a pain for more than a week. She was admitted to hospital with excrutiating abdominal pains and diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks later. Less than one month after that she was gone. She never left the hospital for more than a few hours. She passed away on August 15th, 08.
You cannot beat yourself up. Morne and grieve, but there was nothing you could do. She may not have let you even if there was. I am in the mind that if my mom knew, would she tell anyone? I wouldn't. I would see the Dr., try to hide it and deal with it. I wouldn't want anyone to treat me different than how they do now. If there are treatments for it ... maybe. It would depend if it would improve life or just prolong it. <-- I am not there, so my mind may change if in that position. I would spend as much time as possible with my wife and my sons.
How would you want to deal with it?
_________________
I miss my mom.

Mummytolew · Regular Joined: 10 Sep 2008 Posts: 10

seven. Thanks for that, your mum sounds very similar to mine. Mum would never go the doctor and she decided what tablets, painkillers she needed and she phoned the doctor and he wrote the prescription.
I think possibly there was nothing that could be done if they had found it, and she would hate to die in hospital, and would never have forgiven me if id forced her to go, she would have been to weak for chemo. Id rather go quickly than go though months of treatment that might not make any difference, by the looks of things mum had an aggressive kind of cancer, but i wont know that till i get the post mortem.
So seven you talk alot of sense so thank you, she did know what she wanted.
Ive searched her house for a letter or a will, not for money reasons= she had none.. its just my mum was always a great writer and i think if she knew she would have wrote a goodbye letter telling us how much she loved us. thats what makes me think she didnt know she was gonna die.
finding her like that tho, i dont know how she actually died, whether she was crying out for someone or if she just went to sleep, spose i will wonder that forever, im having nightmares about it already.

se7en

While mom was in hospital it was extremely tough to see her deteriorate. There were things that can be a cause of bad dreams. I kept in mind, and still do, the memories that I had of her. Not once would I allow myself to feel regrete for what has happened in the past. Yes, I made her sad, I made her cry. I can't change those things and it all happened for whatever reason. I also made her laugh to the point of crying. If dwelling on regrets is what I did and do, I would become self destructive. Nothing would come of it and I would (in my mind) actually fail my mom and all her struggles and efforts to develop me into who I am.
That being said the final words I said to her before she passed were 'Thank you & I Love You'. If I didn't have a chance to say that to her, I know she knew it.

Work on controlling your dreams. When the bad comes, know that the good will be there too. Don't dwell on the last dream, work on the next dream...always.

Mummytolew, I also want to thank you for allowing me this chance to beat on this keyboard frantically trying to organize my thoughts and emotions. Thank you
_________________
I miss my mom.

Mummytolew · Regular Joined: 10 Sep 2008 Posts: 10

Its so hard to organise your thoughts and emotions when someone so close is lost from your life isnt it? my brain feels like its on constant spin dry, i have a conversation then realise ive flitted from one topic to another almost within the same sentence.

At the moment im looking after my little sis, i say little shes 24, 3 years younger than me, but lived at home with mum and depended on her for everything from washing to making phonecalls for her. Im trying to get her into some sort of routine with regards to housework and washing and shopping for when i go back to work in a couple of weeks, and that, with all the form filling that comes when someone dies is distracting me but when im on my own i find myself constantly either researching cancer or starin into space for hours on end.

my mum wrote a poem i found in her stuff must have been a year after dad died and a line in it i think is very apt

"the reasons behind life and death are hard to understand, you think youve got the perfect life then comes the losing hand"

its hard to think a life can end like switching off a light and accepting you can never switch it back on is the hardest part.

se7en

All those times en route to the hospital I must have gone through what you are going through now. In regards to flipping the switch, I found myself thinking about things that are so trivial and the importance of them. Opportunities missed and the relevance of what we do on a daily basis. Whats the point?" I would think sometimes.

I assume your sister is really distraught with the loss? Please excuse my assumption, but good on you for taking that role. Also for going through the task of sorting her possessions and papers. Going through our parents stuff is at times very difficult, but also very enlightening and intriguing. I have to say I am learning more and more about the struggles she went through and I'm getting to know her more in death than I did in life. She has left great mysteries that I am compelled to investigate and research. Mostly about my family lineage.
_________________
I miss my mom.

Mummytolew · Regular Joined: 10 Sep 2008 Posts: 10

seven, yes she is upset, but says she will be alright as long as i am. Its hard to explain, my sis has been very spoiled and babied being the youngest so has virtually no self care skills. shes set in her ways and her ways arent necasarily the right ones. things have slipped since dad died with regards to the upkeep of the house etc, so thats something im tryna put right. Mum would never let me clean up, said she couldnt be bothered with all the fuss and my sister isnt the queen of cleanliness and doesnt seem to notice when the hoover needs running over the carpet. all theese things are trivial, yes, but i have to set my sister up for the rest of her life, cos im all she has now.

Going through my mums stuff ive learned the deep love she had for my dad. I knew she loved him but i never understood how much. The books of poems ive found all centre on one thing, how she is trying to cope and carry on for the kids but really just wants to be back with dad, her soulmate. Thats some comfort.

Mum really believed in the afterlife, was convinced it existed. Im not 100% ive had a few experiences since dad died, and a couple since mum. My son for instance who is 18 months keeps pointing into thin air and saying "nanna" and "all gone"... and the other day he ran into the living room and ran straight back out screaming and clung to me so tight and kept pointing into the corner of the room. And my fiance, who is more cynical than me got the smell of dogs (mums house smells of her 3 labradors) and was a litle freaked out tonight,.
I dont know id love there to be an afterlife, id love it if mum and dad were back together in some perfect life but a part of me just cant believe it and thinks that when your gone your gone and if thats the case mum gave up for nothing.....

se7en

That is the age old question that has crossed the mind of every person that set foot on this planet. Throughout history the many versions of the sacred book focus on the events that will happen after death.
Is there reincarnation?
Are we souls of another from previous generations?
Will the pearly gates be there or the fires of hell?
When it's all said and done is the memory of us the only thing that carries on?
My personal religious views and beliefs are no one elses business but mine own. I won't force it and I probably won't reveal it.
Going through the many 'historical' documents of my mothers is revealing to me that the generations that have passed were not just names, they had documented experiences that have been stowed away and with my assistance will live on. I don't think they should be hidden away and held close. I think they should be shared for more to experience. You say you have come across a lot of your moms poetry and journals. With some assistance from your sister maybe the two of you can chronologically collate them and have them published for others to enjoy.

The best thing that Mom left me were questions.
_________________
I miss my mom.

Mummytolew · Regular Joined: 10 Sep 2008 Posts: 10

I am going to collate all mums poetry and bits and bobs i can find and put them in a book for my son to show how special his nan was. I dont have many photos, infact about 3, she hated having her photo took but the poems paint a good picture. It shows how intelligent caring and loving she was.

I dont have a religion or a faith really. Ive never been educated in religion enough to believe or not believe. I wish i had a faith and something to believe in, it could give me some stregnth- maybe along the way I will find it.

Seven though we have lost our mums we are truly blessed for the time we had with them. The love of my mum has made me who i am and who my son will become, no price tag can be put on that.

Mummytolew · Regular Joined: 10 Sep 2008 Posts: 10

Hi all...got the full report at last. It says that mum had a large cancerous mass measuring 11cm, sometimes taking a glandular appearence but mostly unddiferentiated. does anyone know what that means? says that cancer had a strongly positive reaction for mnf116...

It also showed that the lungs had bronchophnemonia and small neoplasms in the lungs.

it says because the ovary and womb were fused that its difficult to know where it started, however earlier in the report it says the ovaries are "distinct" from the womb.

It shows that her lymphnodes in her pelvis were almost completely replaced by the cancer.

So what actually stopped her life, i mean i know it was cancer, but did her immune system just not work anymore? her lungs stop taking oxygen...i think its created more questions than answers

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