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Gillette
Moderator
Joined: 15 Oct 2008
Posts: 357
Location: Old Orchard Beach, Maine
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 Posted: Sat Aug 01, 2009 8:51 am Post subject: Sensing journey's end |
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 I cannot shake it now, the weakness he has is complete, and he admitted to having a "weak" side.I got the needed wheel chair, and he is discouraged that he did not just'take off' when he got in it outside. "It is easier in the hospital, isn't it" I got home last eve, and he said that he fely like "he had done everything backwards all day" and I worry. And I pray that it will come suddenly, and keep telling myself that it is okay to feel that way. It is what he wishes for, to simply go to sleep, and I wish for what I never want to happen- but it will. We all will die, and shed the body, I have to believe that we will all be together again, and the cosmos will continue. And I cry, and pray, and play my car stereo as loud as I dare.
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Kathy: still loving Ben, as he rests with God. |
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Joey Gal
Regular
Joined: 30 May 2009
Posts: 35
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| Posted: Sat Aug 01, 2009 9:25 am Post subject: Re: Sensing journey's end |
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Kathy,
Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.. and praying for you and Ben. The feelings that you are having are completely normal in my book, for I share those feelings that you are sharing with us. Life can be the PITS!!
My wish for you both is that Ben will pass peacefully in his sleep. I wish that for my Dad also. I am sure that is true for all of in this forum.
Girl you crank that stereo and rock out 
(((((***HUG***)))))
Joey
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Joey Gal |
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onecoyote
Senior User
Joined: 15 Jul 2008
Posts: 153
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| Posted: Sat Aug 01, 2009 10:26 am Post subject: Re: Sensing journey's end |
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Hi Kathy,
I am so sorry to see that you and your husband are suffering so. Let me tell you that I am mirroring you and your husband at the moment. I went OMG when you wrote that you play the radio really loud, as I do the same. I think it's that we hope to blot out the outside world for just a while. I find myself putting on dvds that I have seen hundreds of times, while my husband sleeps, just to become immersed in the movie's life so I can forget my reality.
I went to the grocery store the other day, music blaring as I drove down the highway. All of a sudden I burst into tears. I have no clue where they came from but I let them flow. When I got home I felt exhausted but better mentally.
I'm not sure if other people have visible tumors on their bodies but my husband has two very large ones on his back. Looking at him daily and helping him bathe reaffirms his illness and I have a visual gauge of how this monster is progressing. It really sucks.
I sincerely hope your husband gets his wish, that if he has to pass away, let it be on his terms. My husband feels pretty much the same way, go to sleep and be at peace.
Know that you are not alone Kathy,
Hugzzzzzz,
Charlene
_________________
Husband Danny, age 66,
diagnosed squamous cell June 6, 2008,
Right pneumonectomy performed with no adjuvant chemo or radiation on Sept. 2008
Metastatic lung cancer in the ribs, scapula and right kidney raised it's ugly head May 2009.
Renal cell carcinoma diagnosed May 2009
One round carbo/taxol, too weak to continue
Cancer racing like a freight train
Held my husband's hand when he passed away September 29, 2009 |
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Tera
Senior User
Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 297
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| Posted: Sun Aug 02, 2009 12:40 am Post subject: Re: Sensing journey's end |
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Kathy, I'm sorry. I know it tears you up inside. Know that what you are feeling is normal. There comes a point when most of us begin to pray for it to end because we don't want to see our loved ones suffer. Do not feel bad about praying that way.
If it is any consolation, my mom passed peacefully in her sleep. Hospice helped her to really relax, erased her anxiety, and calmed her in her last days. I pray when Ben's time comes, he too will be relaxed and peaceful. I wish for peace for you too, sweetie.
Charlene, same for you. Hugs to you both. |
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Gillette
Moderator
Joined: 15 Oct 2008
Posts: 357
Location: Old Orchard Beach, Maine
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| Posted: Sun Aug 02, 2009 9:43 am Post subject: sensing the end |
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Thanks, I really appreciate that, all of you, and hugzzzzzzzzzzzzz right back at ya! The really rotten part, that we have come to dread, is the communicating of the bads news to everyone. It further completes the seperation as they REALLY don't know what to say now. It is sad, and I see it touching so very many in ways we forget as we slop through this evil cancer life- the complete abnormalities have become our reality. --- Until we ru into someone who hasn't gotten the up date, and has no clue.... Then I wnid up shocking them, because I forget who knows what. It is all very exhausting,and add 50- 60 hour work weeks on top - PHFTTTTT  so any way , gotta run, family visiting today, and my Dad dropped in unexpectedly 2 days ago- wonder how that went  he's an ex teacher that is kind of a cross of Red Green and Spock, who has also been a landlord in a subsidised housing project- a different individual, if you have ever met one!
Love to all, and I throw out prayers to all-
 Hulla Mom - kisses....
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Kathy: still loving Ben, as he rests with God. |
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dano
Moderator
Joined: 19 Jul 2008
Posts: 658
Location: Oahu, Hawaii
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| Posted: Sun Aug 02, 2009 10:52 am Post subject: Re: sensing the end |
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I love turning up the music! I've got an old song for you that has a good beat and really helps put things into perspective. This is an old song by the Latinos and most of their songs are not like this one, I have the record in storage in another state but thanks be to You Tube they have it in a rough copy, but I cry when I hear it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6lm1YWPSUw
God Bless
Dan
_________________
55 year old male, Diagnosed Nov. 9,2007 with NSCLC IV with Mets to the lymph's and brain
Had full brain radiation treatment in Jan 08 treatments now every 4 weeks with Alimta, stopped taking Lovenox for blood clots, Now working full time
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=9993 |
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koikkeril
Super Moderator
Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 353
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| Posted: Sun Aug 02, 2009 4:15 pm Post subject: Dearest Kathy |
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How sad to read that Ben is at this stage of his life. It makes my heart bleed and remember back the days of caring.
Dano' music, I hope has been blown out of your windows, I remember all I wanted was to go somewhere and scream my head off, but I never did!
I understand how we can pray for our loved ones death, it is so sad to see them suffer..
My God, even the memory is haunting me today! The suffering. Yes we all have to die, but it is the "HOW", which concerns most of us.
I will be praying for you and Ben and I hope for you both he goes whilst in his sleep.
Since my husbands parting I would like you to know that I feel him with me more than when he was alive.
I was not a believer in life after death, but he did say he will stay with me, perhaps there is more to this world than meets the eye.
Much warm hearted love is sent to you.
God Bless......Koik
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Husband diagnosed with stage 1V NSCLC Febuary 2007.....Lost his battle August 27th 2008 but lives on in my heart. |
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pbj11
Site Admin
Joined: 12 May 2007
Posts: 2852
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| Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 12:38 pm Post subject: Re: Sensing journey's end |
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(((Kathy))))
Hugs of understanding, lots of love, and prayers.
We never really told anyone that things were going downhill. Guess we denied it as he was still having treatment. I think it shocked people when he was admitted to the hospital the day he passed. We didn't have hospice, so I guess we did okay as I look back on it all.
It's a harsh, lonely time. That's why I so understand.
Hugs,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.
Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0 |
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maryaz
Senior User
Joined: 11 Feb 2008
Posts: 291
Location: Arizona
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| Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 11:33 pm Post subject: Re: Sensing journey's end |
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I was looking in and saw this and knew I wanted to log in and extend my thoughts and prayers to both Kathy and Ben during what has to be a 'very' difficult time. I cannot image that part but just think very hard and tearing a person apart.
Charlene, you and Danny are always in my thoughts and prayers. I am thankful for anyone that can go quietly.
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Mary
Husband is 67 year old Male
NSCLC - Squamous Cell Carcinoma
Chemo and Radiation Treatments together
Allergic reactions to Taxol and Taxotere.
The Story: http://www.cancerforums.net/about9079.html |
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brainman
Site Admin
Joined: 13 Oct 2005
Posts: 5972
Location: Tennessee
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Gillette
Moderator
Joined: 15 Oct 2008
Posts: 357
Location: Old Orchard Beach, Maine
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| Posted: Tue Aug 04, 2009 3:57 am Post subject: hospice visit today |
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W4e are at yet another bend I see in this road: hospice will come in today and see just what a lousy house keeper I really am- but I will be good, and take lots of notes, and remember that I can clean after I loose him- and before- it isn't as important as he is.
I know they are not there for that- see how weird we all get ? the things of real value in your heart do not seem to be deserving of your attention if your dishes aren't done. What has society done to us? To me?
Any way , I am glad to have them, and get their assistance setting things up appropriately- it is overwhelming as I stand in the bed room, and realize the changes needed.
Thank you all, and do keep your words in my heart as i go through each day, and it helps. People around me continue to say they are there, and they are- but they cannot give me what you do here- unconditional, understanding support. Their own 'stuff' gets in the way, and I feel guilty for burdoning them. The looks on their faces....
My pregnant daughter continues to say - you can loose your s#&t with me mom- and I am not confortable with that - she has her own baggage and past to deal with him and others- and she is in her 2nd trimester. I'll not wind her up.
And you are always here for us all- each - as I am too- and we all can understand without guilt for each other. My love to all
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Kathy: still loving Ben, as he rests with God. |
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pbj11
Site Admin
Joined: 12 May 2007
Posts: 2852
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| Posted: Tue Aug 04, 2009 8:35 am Post subject: Re: Sensing journey's end |
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Wait Kathy --- we are SUPPOSED to clean our houses AFTER?
Oh -- glad somebody clued me in. I'll get right on that.  You are so silly, but I'm glad to see your sense of humor intact.
Love you lots sweetie. Hang in there, you're doing just fine. Hope everything goes well with Hospice this today.
God bless and lots of hugs,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.
Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0 |
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dano
Moderator
Joined: 19 Jul 2008
Posts: 658
Location: Oahu, Hawaii
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| Posted: Tue Aug 04, 2009 9:49 am Post subject: Re: hospice visit today |
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[quote="Gillette"]W4e are at yet another bend I see in this road: hospice will come in today and see just what a lousy house keeper I really am- but I will be good, and take lots of notes, and remember that I can clean after I loose him- and before- it isn't as important as he is.
I know they are not there for that- see how weird we all get ? the things of real value in your heart do not seem to be deserving of your attention if your dishes aren't done. What has society done to us? To me?
Any way , I am glad to have them, and get their assistance setting things up appropriately- it is overwhelming as I stand in the bed room, and realize the changes needed.
Thank you all, and do keep your words in my heart as i go through each day, and it helps. People around me continue to say they are there, and they are- but they cannot give me what you do here- unconditional, understanding support. Their own 'stuff' gets in the way, and I feel guilty for burdoning them. The looks on their faces....
My pregnant daughter continues to say - you can loose your s#&t with me mom- and I am not confortable with that - she has her own baggage and past to deal with him and others- and she is in her 2nd trimester. I'll not wind her up.
And you are always here for us all- each - as I am too- and we all can understand without guilt for each other. My love to all[/quote]
Hi Kathy......((((((((HUGS))))))))
_________________
55 year old male, Diagnosed Nov. 9,2007 with NSCLC IV with Mets to the lymph's and brain
Had full brain radiation treatment in Jan 08 treatments now every 4 weeks with Alimta, stopped taking Lovenox for blood clots, Now working full time
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=9993 |
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dano
Moderator
Joined: 19 Jul 2008
Posts: 658
Location: Oahu, Hawaii
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| Posted: Tue Aug 04, 2009 9:50 am Post subject: Re: hospice visit today |
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Hi Kathy......((((((((HUGS))))))))
Oh and I'll catch those dishes for ya later!
_________________
55 year old male, Diagnosed Nov. 9,2007 with NSCLC IV with Mets to the lymph's and brain
Had full brain radiation treatment in Jan 08 treatments now every 4 weeks with Alimta, stopped taking Lovenox for blood clots, Now working full time
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=9993 |
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Gillette
Moderator
Joined: 15 Oct 2008
Posts: 357
Location: Old Orchard Beach, Maine
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| Posted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 9:35 am Post subject: time left is all we have |
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Today he told me he wished he would just die so I could get on with my life.
And I don't really give a crap about the dishes!
_________________
Kathy: still loving Ben, as he rests with God. |
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