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kmack
New User
Joined: 03 Apr 2009
Posts: 4
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 Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2009 10:33 am Post subject: Preparing Young Kids for Loss |
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My husband has stopped treatment of stage IV colon cancer; mets to lungs, liver, brain, lymph nodes and bones.
Does anyone have any suggestions for preparing young children for the loss of a parent? My kids are 4 years old. |
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PrairiePrincess
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Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 47
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| Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2009 11:54 am Post subject: Re: Preparing Young Kids for Loss |
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kmack, 4 is pretty young, so I think you will find they are unable to process a lot of sophisticated emotional or medical information. Like most little kids, they will read the subtext better...ie. they will pick up the gravity of the situation from reading your emotions.
I would definitely get in touch with a counsellor experienced in oncology counselling....your local reputable hospices should have a lot of resources for you. They are in the business of supporting people through these experiences and have the hearts and expertise to get you what you need.
I am quite sure they will have excellent advice on how to talk to your children on this topic.
Big hugs,
Prairie Princess |
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brainman
Site Admin
Joined: 13 Oct 2005
Posts: 5983
Location: Tennessee
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kmack
New User
Joined: 03 Apr 2009
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 7:42 am Post subject: Re: Preparing Young Kids for Loss |
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Thank you both for getting back to me with your suggestions. I found a really good article done by the American Cancer Society. If anyone else is faced with this, here is the link {link deleted by admin}
Like you both said, it does also say that understanding at their age is a challenge and it must be explained as clearly as possible so there is no misunderstanding that daddy will be coming back.
Jim, thank you for the suggestion on having things at future events. I actually am getting a "daddy candle" that we will light at the beginning of family events to honor daddy in the day. I like the consistency of it always being the same thing, year after year.
Thank you again for your kindness |
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Vickilg410
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Joined: 21 Jul 2009
Posts: 5
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| Posted: Tue Jul 21, 2009 2:06 pm Post subject: Re: Preparing Young Kids for Loss |
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When my young daughter found out that parents sometimes die she was very emotional and clingy. This was years ago before I was ever diagnosed with cancer. The best way I could ease her mind was to explain to her that just like on earth, I was here first so I could prepare things for when she arrived and that one day I would have to go to heaven to prepare things for when it was her time to go there. For what ever reason, the simple logic of it satisfied her and to this day she doesn't see dying as an end just as the next step of the journey (as much as a child can). I love her so much. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
_________________
6/26/09 - Diagnosed with Rectal Cancer - Stage 3 |
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PrairiePrincess
Regular
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 47
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| Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 5:08 pm Post subject: Re: Preparing Young Kids for Loss |
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Here is the relevant paragraph from the ACS publication:
[i]Talking with children about cancer
If there are young children in your family, you may be worried about how they will respond to your cancer. How a child reacts to upsetting news often depends on how the adults are handling it. Many times adults have their own strong, private feelings about a cancer diagnosis, and they may want to protect the children from their fears and worries. Family members should decide ahead of time how best to talk to the children about cancer.
If children are not given honest answers, what they imagine may be worse and even more upsetting. Both adults and children learn to cope with cancer and its treatments. When talking to children about cancer, you should give them truthful information that they can understand. It is best to share small amounts information over time and to keep the answers suitable to their age and level of understanding. Be sure to give children the chance to ask questions and have their questions answered. If you would like expert help, you might have a social worker or school counselor talk with your child, too. They may know of support groups for children in your area. They can also give the child a source of support that is outside of the family. [/i]
I would like to emphasize the part about how if you do not give them honest answers (and there is no need for that honesty to be brutal...ie. Mommy is really sick, and it may be really hard for her to get better, but we are going to try everything we can and love her lots to help her out) they will come up with often horrifying conclusions.
My grandfather lost his mom when he was a child, in the days when no one told children anything. He knew, during her illness, that something was terribly wrong, but concluded that it must be him and they were all just reluctant to tell him whatever it was that was so wrong about him that it had them all that upset. When she died, he was completely unprepared. Not only was he completely taken by surprise, he wondered if what he had done killed his mother. And at her funeral, all the adults, while sad, had been "in the loop" for months, so had already prepared themselves and were celebrating her life. To my grandfather, it looked like they were all celebrating her death, something he was still in shock about. His father remarried in less than a year...again having been in the loop for so long, it was not as precipitate a wedding as it seemed to my grandfather, who was not ready to have his mother "replaced". I believe my great grandfather also asked grandfather for his blessing, which of course to the horrified child was not on offer. I think he felt on some level if he said "no" to the new mommy, the real mommy might come back. This refusal to instantly accept the situation created a big rift between my grandfather, his father and his new stepmother.
In many ways, he has never recovered from this experience, which is very sad. A little tactful honesty could have saved him a lifetime of misery. A good, experienced oncology counselor could have helped them stay connected while my great grandmother was alive, helped them all anticipate and process her loss, and also facilitated moving on and integrating a new person into the family. |
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