I just miss my mom.

Joy2547 · New User Joined: 10 Aug 2005 Posts: 2

Hello Everyone,

First, I want to let you know my heart goes out to you all and your families as you go through this struggle. Be strong and have faith. There is a meaning for all of this.

I myself do not have cancer. I actually lost my mom to adenocarsinoma 8 years ago. I was 14 at the time and was very confused about it all. I'm 23 now (it is so hard to say that to think of all that I have missed with her). Now that the hard part of the grief process is over, and I am older, I'm in search of answers. Just what happened to my mom. What was she going through? How did this happen? How can I make sure that this does not happen to my children?

While I remember going through everything with my mom and seeing all that happened, I don't think I ever really understood what was goin on. I'm sure it was my way of coping with the fact that my mom was dying. I refused to believe it so I numbed myself from my surroundings. I remember the radiation and the blood transfusion. But what was it all about? Was my mom hurting? She never appeared to be. She always put on a strong face for me. Was she scared? She always seemed to be comforting other people. Could she breathe? She had oxygen at home and she used it quite often especially toward the end. Was she scared for me? She always told me that everything would be alright. Did she know how much I loved her?
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Angel of God my guardian dear, to whom God's love entrust me here. Ever this day be by my side, to light and to guard, to rule and to guide.

benni · Regular Joined: 08 Aug 2005 Posts: 10

Joy I can't answer any of the questions you asked regarding what your mom went through. I just wanted to say that I understand however your pain at missing your mom. I lost my mom to blood clots when I was 7 and I can remember how hard it was to grow up without a mom there, especially for the big events in my life. There is a wonderful book called "Motherless Daughters" that I highly recommend.

Btw, my mom passed away 32 years ago and I still miss her. I don't think you ever get away from missing a mom, but you learn to understand your mom through your own parenting (when you become a mother). It's at times when I am watching my youngests play and develop and learn and when they hug me and snuggle up to me, that I realize just how much my mom loved me because I know how much I love my own children. And as a mom, I can honestly tell you, that your mom knew/knows how much you love her because you can see it in your child's eyes when they come to you filled with excitement about some new discovery or when they come to you for comfort over some new hurt. I don't know how any mom cannot see the love their child has for them. And as a mom, I can imagine just how scared for you she was. The one thing we want for our children is the best life they can ever possibly dream of and we worry about our children, about how they are going to survive today's world, about how they are going to get along without us if anything should happen, about whether our children know just how deeply we love them (and it is the deepest love and most unconditional love you can ever imagine). And I just want to say Joy, just from reading your post, a post filled with love, compassion, as well as seeking knowledge, your mom would have been very proud of how you've turned out. I know if my child had that much love and compassion and wanted to learn (even the most difficult things to learn like what her mom went through when dealing with things in life), well I know I would be extremely proud of her.

If you would like to email me just to talk let me know and I'll pm you my email address.

Brenda

Joy2547 · New User Joined: 10 Aug 2005 Posts: 2

Thank you for your kind words. Now that I am older and out of my "teenage" phase I look back and hope that she knew I loved her. At 14 I was in the middle of adolesence and adolesent girls and their mothers don't always get along. She raised 6 girls before me so I hope she knew that it was only a phase. I never told my mother "I hate you" as I have heard many of my friends say. I'm so glad for that. I just know that I could have maybe been a little nicer or could have done what she told me to do more often. I even think I kind of pulled away from her during her illness so it wouldn't hurt so bad. My relationship with my dad is so strong and has been especially after she died. I know that he knows and he knows that I know. I just wish I felt that bond with my mom before she died. I was so young though. I didn't even know that I loved myself at that time let alone anyone else. She was my mom. I thought she was always going to be there and that I had plenty of time to be a brat and to love her later. Becoming a young women now I wish that I could talk to her woman to woman. I can see how I am like her in ways like you said. I have been in the process of planning my wedding and I just recently experienced a miscarriage. When I found out that I was pregnant that was my biggest worry. I don't want to leave my child without a mother. I decided to write a diary for my baby to tell him/her all about me as I was young and as I am now. That way when I'm gone they can read back to see who I was. My mom planned a visual/audio diary so that we could always remember her. She passed away before she could start it. Just knowing that she tried gives me comfort that she cared.
_________________
Angel of God my guardian dear, to whom God's love entrust me here. Ever this day be by my side, to light and to guard, to rule and to guide.

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