My Dad Was Diagnosed 3 Weeks Ago

divinechild · Posted: Fri Oct 02, 2009 2:30 am Post subject: Life in transition

Yes Tara,

I think I do need some counselling or go to support groups for grief of loved one's passing. I have to hold everything for now because I'm trying to move everything (all the junk I have accumulated for 4 years in a 4 bedroom house I lived in) out to storage so I can fly out to see him and be with my family for awhile. I cannot imagined spending thansgiving and christmass with my father passed away and being in the States all by myself even though I have lived here for 17 years and it's home but Thanksgiving and Christmas has always been difficult for me.

My target date of leaving for Hong Kong is October 5th so I have 3 more
days of packing. I found storage right by my house so that's good. 2
5x10 for $100 a month I guess is a good deal. I have so far have 7
large garbage bags of clothes and effects to give away, two smaller
cardboard boxes of things (purses, hair roller, and misc things) for
sale. Someone came up tonight to pick up my bike for sale for $30.
Ke-Ching! I think I'm even more attached to my books than my clothes
and shoes, but I'm getting there.

After my dad's ceremony I'm going to fly to Taiwan with my mom and my
sister where they live. I will stay there for a couple of months until
we recieve my dad's office death certificate and then we're going to
make another trip back to Hong Kong to take care of his estate issues.
Now my rent free days are over so being in Taiwan and maybe travel to
Australia or New Zealand would be a good plan, so is Bali, Indonesia
I've alawys wanted to go. Now I would have to pay rent anywhere I live,
might as well just travel until all dusts has settle about my dad's
estate affairs then I will come back to the States to start my life
anew.

I still cannot accept that my dad really "passed away?" It just doesn't
feel real at all. It is incomprehensible. Everyone so far has seen his
body in the morgue except for me. I still remember him as when I was
just with him 2 weeks ago when he was still hot flesh and blood and when
I kissed his cheeks it was warm. I had such an intuition in my gut I
knew it was a very precious time I had with him those 10 days so my eyes
were on him always 24/7. Towards the end I was a little exhausted
because I didn't have a life of my own, it was ALL about taking care of
my father. 4 days after I left he started deteriating exponentially.
10 days after he really started deteriating the local hosptial they took
him for oxygen told my sister he could be gone any time now. I never
saw the painful last 10 days he had but like someone in a cancer forum
said..."when the final days come, they came VERY fast." He never had a
biopsy so nobody ever had the info whether it was non-small-cell or
small-cell lung cancer he had. Now after he's gone and my research
found it was actually small cell lung cancer that he had that's why it
was even more aggressive than the other type. I read on the forum and
all kinds of cancer sites which said SCLC life expectancy after
diagnosis without treatment 6-8 weeks, with treatment 8-12 months. I
can't help but wonder sometimes if he knew that his cancer was so
advanced to begin with? Or did he find out it was so advanced after he
want to China for a second opinion? In August when he first found there
were cancer cells in his body he told us he would never consider chemo
because it's painful and going to make him lose his hair. Days before
he passed away he told my sister he regretted ever came to China and
that the trip to China had delayed him getting the right treatment
(which is chemo) that he needed to save his life. He choked to death on
the flight back from China to Hong Kong. He was gone in seconds my mom
and my sister said. No wonder he choked though because it's in his
esophegas and in the lymph nodes by the neck. He started choking on
everything he ate or drank a week before he passed.

God, I need dicipline and strength.

[quote="Tera"]You have to stop beating yourself up over this, hun. I know that is a hard and bitter pill to swallow, to hear what happened on that flight. I imagine your mom, cousin and sister are even more upset. None of you are to blame. It could have happened with liquids or anything. And look at it this way, passing from the cancer could have been even more painful and terrible a death. Some people have very painful cancer battles, not all, but with your dad's health, you jsut don't know how things would have gone. And hard as it may be to go along with our loved one's decisions, how they fight the battle is their choice entirely. The rest of us just have to go along for the ride, hang on, and give them total support.

Please, get some help, to help you deal with the anger and sadness you are experiencing. You dad wouldn't want you to be that upset and unhappy and wouldn't want that for any of his loved ones.[/quote]

divinechild

But the thing is when he decided to go to China to check out those traditional chinese herbs in late August, he wasn't sold on it but my mom called from Taipei and insisted and told my dad to please "listen to her for one time in his life" so he was influenced to stay to explore more Chinese herbalists. We flew there on September 5th and there was a new herbalist who came September 7th and now we suspected he gave him some kind of amphetimine or that nature because he immediately was more awake, less tired, and coughed less after the first dose of that herb. This lasted for about 7 days, the cough came back. During those 7 days he kept saying this herbalist's treatment is more like the folk medicine they practiced in African or historical American Indians and he was doubtful of it's effectiveness. We all thought we saw very good result right after he started this herbs so again we tried to influence him to stay and continue. 10 days after the use of that herb he started going downhill exponentially, coughing non-stop, couldn't eat, choke on water or anything he ate, difficulty breathing. the whole nine-yard. Then my cuisin booked a flight from Paris to fly to China to see him. He waited another cucial 3 days. I really can't help but blame everyone around him, myself included that we kept making the wrong decisons for him because we're trying to help too hard and confuse his own decision making. The whole time, he was really doing what WE wanted him to do or thought was right but we never LET HIM MAKE THE DECISION. I guess this is the one thing that I regret the most and sad the most!!!! I feel we made the wrong decisions and forced on him and confuse him to accept. So evidently, it was SCLC that he had in an extensive stage met to both lungs, diaphram, lymph nodes, scapula and liver, he didn't have chemo so he lived 6 weeks right on the dot of the normal life expenctancy of SCLC without treatment. With treatment (chemo) his life expencatency would have been 7-12 months give or take as SCLC responds very well with chemo.

I just hope someone somewhere will learn something from our experience.

With Love,
Shannon

divinechild

When the dust settles...maybe then I will have a life. My life has been
turned upside down at the end of August when the owner of the house
confirmed they want me out no matter what. It was the same time I
learned about my dad possibly having lung cancer. I wanted to go see
him immediately but was talked into not going by my mom because nobody
knew how advanced it was already. I guess he didn't want us to worry
and he probablly did not realize either how serious it is. The practice
of medicien in Asia and here is so different. For terminal illness in
Asia, the doctors do not inform the severity to the patients but to
patients immediate family for the family members to relay the info the
way they deem fit. When my dad refused to received getting
bronchoscopy to pin point what kind of cancer cell he had and therefore
be able to determine the best treatment plan, maybe it was a little too
late. He had a CT scan assisted biopsy scheduled on September 2nd or
7th but my mom talked him into staying to receive Chinese herbal
medicine instead of going back to Hong Kong to get chemo because she
also bought into what some relatives opinion about whether my dad could
benifit from chemo, and later I found that small cell lung cancer
responds extremely well with chemo, at least the first round it really
shink the side of the tumors. I know it's all perfect hindsight
now.....

I'm leaving to Hong Kong in 10 hours to attend his funeral....everytime
when I used this word I'm in shock one more time that this is really
true...my invincible dad is gone forever...to another plane. Everyone
one of my family has seen his body already except for me. Also the last
4 or 5 days because I had to pack non-stop like 10 hours a day so I
force myself to just push any feelings down....I'll see how I feel and
act when I'm there and actually holding his hands....his dead body....I
just can't get over this and to accept this...I just can't believe how
fast this happend. I left him on September 18 and by September 28th he
passed away. How much can happen in 10 days!

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 2837

Hi,

I'm so sorry that there has been such turmoil in your life on top of the loss of your Dad. May your journey be safe and you find some peace and comfort when you arrive to be with your family.

God bless and sending hugs.

PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

robertacastello · Experienced user Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 56

Shannon,

So sorry to hear what happened. I;m sure you'll pick up the pieces and your life will soon be in order again. Don't blame yourself for anything, there is no blame... If anything, he went quickly and avoided some suffering along the journey. Cherish the best memories you have of him, think of everything positive you can recall. Feel his presence next to you and dig the strenght to go on. My best wishes are with you.

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