my daddy's dying.

Marsha16 · Regular Joined: 29 Jul 2009 Posts: 10 Location: Canada

my friends dont realize how much i am dealing with and why i can never hang out with them anymore. they dont have any clue what taking care of my dad means and i havnt even told most of them, this is only my super good friends. they just know the he is sick. none of them have ever had this personal an experience with cancer. they cannot understand and i feel so loney and sad around them. my dad is dying, i know it will be soon and i am so scared but i have no one to share these fears with. if i talk to my mum i set her off totally and she starts to cry and cry. i always have to be strong for her and break down where no one can see. i love my dad but he is not himself anymore. i dont even think he realizes that i am around anymore. i cant talk to him anymore. i am so heartbroken.

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 2403

Hi Marsha,

Your story touches me deeply. I'm so sorry you are having to go through something this big at such a young age. All of what you are feeling is completely natural. You have a lot of things you are dealing with and facing, all at one time. You sound like a very brave person. You are aware of your feelings and that's a good place for you mentally.

I've tried to find some forums that specifically address teens that have a parent with cancer and the only one I've come up with is http://www.kidskonnected.org/. Maybe a note or phone call to them would help you find other's your age in the same position that you can share your feelings with.

Are you afraid to share this with your friends? I hope you have a few close friends to talk to. If not, please call your Priest/Pastor or a counselor from school -- they might be back in the office soon.

We are here to help you in any way that we can. As adults, we may not always understand, but we will give you hugs and comfort as best as we can. Life can be brutally unfair at times and THIS is one of those times. I hope you have the opportunity to just sit in the room with your Dad and maybe hold his hand for some periods of time. Our kids and my husband's grandkids did that while he was unconscious and he KNEW we were there, even when it didn't seem like he knew.

I know how your Mom is feeling -- and it's bad, but you also need support. It's hard for her right now and I'll bet she's doing the best she can. Do the best you can too -- it is all we can do when someone we love so much is going downhill. It's hard to feel helpless and that feeling is the same for all ages.

Please keep in touch with us, if only to express your feelings.

Many hugs and God bless you,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

verysad · New User Joined: 30 Aug 2009 Posts: 1

I am so sorry about your dad. my father is also dying but i am 36. i can relate to not wanting to talk to people about it who can not understand what you are going through. i also feel as if i would be violating my dads privacy(i know that is not rational)i do not talk to my mother alot about my dad dying. i worry that i will stress her out and she is stressed out already from taking care of my dad. i usually cry by myself and get angry by myself. i alternate between the two emotions. my dads dying is always on my mind (it has consumed me). i agree with the previous poster about trying to find a website that has post from people more of your age. i am an adult and it has really devastated me and i can not imagine being younger and going through it.you can try to do an internet search for children with a dying parent. some nights when i cant sleep i go on different websites and read post and it does make me feel better. some people share their experiences and you dont feel so alone anymore. you just need to remember whatever you are feeling it is ok to feel it. you will be sad,angry or numb. try to allow yourself some moments of happiness even if they are fleeting .your dad wants you to be happy.

johannabubela · Experienced user Joined: 11 Jan 2009 Posts: 67

I too am very sorry for your situation. No one does know what you are going through unless they have gone through it themselves, and even still every situation is different, and incredibly difficult.

One thing I would like to offer is that your Dad's spirit is still in him...he's still there, even if he is not able to physically manifest it in the way you are used to. Try to be with him. You don't have to talk or be entertaining, or even be happy...just be with him. The same Dad that you've known all these years is still in there somewhere.

Someone I found to be an incredible resource was my Dad's surgeon. She knew of several different places to search for support.

I'll be praying for you, and if I come across anything specific I will forward it on to you.

Take care,

Johanna
_________________
Daddy's story:
12/08 - colonoscopy, mass biopsy neg
12/29/08 - surgery, very adv rectal cancer, 13 lymph nodes, 12 pos, perm colostomy
3/16/09 - Began FolFox
5/16/09 - Changed to FolFiri
9/23/09 - final round of FolFiri
10/4/09 - arthritis in spine
10/23/09 - mets to bladder, worsening in liver and pelvis.

DNick92 · New User Joined: 02 Sep 2009 Posts: 1

Like you I'm also a teenager, but I have told most of my friends that my Dad has cancer. I know it's hard, but you have to tell them so they can at least try to understand what you're going through. So far they have been a great support and it's awesome to have your friends back you up no matter what. My social life outside of school has also dropped since my Dad was diagnosed with Stage 3 Mesothelioma last July. It sucks, but it's my Dad and taking care of him is the most important thing right now.

I know what you're going through and how lonely it can feel. The best thing you can do is get your friends and families support, because they will be there for you (trust me). I'm here to let you know you ARE not alone and there are a lot of kids (including me) going through the same thing you are. Hope this helps you. =]
_________________
I won't worry my life away...

lori6666 · Regular Joined: 26 Sep 2008 Posts: 11

Mine is too. I'm 31. It's the hardest thing I've had to deal with. I'm not sad for me....but sad for him. I wonder what goes through his mind at a time like this.

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 2403

I think that goes for all family and friends of cancer patients Lori.

I feel so bad for you "kids" as I've been there and so have my own children.

Love them and create as many memories as you can with them. Life is full of very harsh events, but we gain strength and insight by going through them.

God bless all of you and please keep communicating.

Hugs,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

robertacastello · Regular Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 41

My father is also very very sick and my mother, very very scared. I'm 29. I'm trying not to drop my social life completly, but sometimes when I'm out with my friends I freak out and have to go home or drink to much and get crazy... My fiancee is helping me A LOT, he's the only one I share my emotions with, my fears, my anger. We were getting married next month but had to change the date due to the situation.
I think you should have one friend to confide, you will need someone to talk to, to express everything you are going through... and it's a lot, I know...
You can count of us in the forum to do so too.
My best wishes to you and your family.

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