Breast Cancer survivor turning to alcohol - how can I help?

BCCaregiver · New User Joined: 24 Sep 2005 Posts: 6

My wife is a breast cancer survivor - first diagnosed 4/2002, treatment ended 1/2003 and everything looked clear. 10/2004 we discovered that her cancer had metastasized throughout her skeleton with a spot on her skull and liver.

After radiation and another round of chemo, all scans show no activity!! Hooray! I believe that Herceptin is what did the trick.

Anyway... she was very brave and courageous during both episodes, but now she says she is scared and I see that she is drinking much more than ever. This is compounded by the fact that she is much more sensitive to alcohol than she ever was - only one glass of wine can make her pretty loopy, but not always. She has trouble controlling the alcohol, and sometimes gets abusive toward me. I'm scared that she is becoming an alcoholic.

I don't know how to help her.

I've researched on the Internet and I can't find ANYTHING about survivors and alcohol - has anyone heard of this or is our case unusual?

How can I help her?

Midnight_Butterfly

Sweetie,
I wish I could offer sound advice. But as a friend of a bad alcoholic who won't change, I'm not sure I'd be qualified.

Best thing I can suggest is try to talk to her (no doubt you have). Make her see how lucky she is that she has been able to beat this thing. Explain to her how to be doing what she is doing (even as a coping strategy) is to slap anyone who ever died of it in the face - for she gets a second chance and they don't.

That's pretty much the psychology I'm using on myself after being told I've just had cancer - and luckily they (the surgeons) got it in time - in relation to my smoking. I haven't had a cigarette since the morning of the surgery which was a week ago and I'm determined not to smoke again because even though the cigarettes didn't give me cancer, (I'm too young), to pick up a smoke now would be a huge insult to all those who have suffered hideously and never got the chance that I have been given.

Maybe something like that? Except with the alcohol. And be gentle.

Perhaps explain to her how it's hurting you? If you haven't already. Even though the motivation may be off, sometimes we're more willing to do things for others than for ourselves and when it comes to things like this, as long as it works, who cares about the motive? So long as it happens.

Best of luck to you. Your wife is a survivor. As are you. But it seems to me that she's enabling herself to become the victim when she really doesn't need to.

One more thing: Is it possible there's something else going on that she hasn't spoken to you about? Another reason -besides fear of cancer - that spurs her drinking?

Regarding alcohol and cancer: There are allegedly (I say allegedly because I haven't seen clinical studies - mere rumours) links between one or two glasses of alcohol a night (?) and lessening one's chance of developing cancer. Perhaps she's medicating herself? I certainly wouldn't recommend it though.

BCCaregiver · New User Joined: 24 Sep 2005 Posts: 6

Thank you so much for your kind response. Yes, we have talked about this extensively and she says it makes her feel better. She knows that it affects her more than it ever did and she says she just can't get used to that and keeps forgetting... then it's too late.

It may just be me... I'm a teetotaler (always have been) and maybe I'm just too critical when she drinks. She isn't abusive very often (it's verbal abuse, not physical) but when she is it's extremenly traumatic for me because I'm pretty thin-skinned.

We have developed a few signals to help me remind her without embarrasement. When she is close to the end of a glass (she only drinks wine) I'll suggest that she switch to water. If she's had too much (in my opinion) I'll suggest that she go to bed.

We have also agreed on a rule to help her remember - no more than two glasses per day, no matter how much time between them. She thought that was a good rule and will try to follow it. If we are at a party that rule won't apply, and that's okay with me. My main concern is when it's just us or when she's alone.

As far as your research - I have found the opposite. At the American Cancer Society they have an article that says that drinking increases the risk of breast cancer by as much as 20%. www.Cancer.org - do a search from their home page on "alcohol" This is another reason I'd like her to stop, but she won't and is adamant about it.

Midnight_Butterfly

My! You have stamina! It sounds like this has been going on for some time.

Two glasses may not seem like a lot, but the reasons that motivate us to drink are important. If we're drinking to cope, it's an alcoholic dependency and if it interferes with relationships, work etc, then it does need looking into.

As far as an increased risk of breast cancer arising from drinking regularly, thank you. I wasn't aware of that.

I think it's good you've been able to lay down a couple of ground rules that she's agreed to, but long term if she's dependent on it, she really does need help.

The thing that concerns me most about what you've said, isn't the drinking, but the verbal abuse. Whether you're thin-skinned or thick-skinned, you deserve to be treated with some respect.

Best of luck to you and your lady. It sounds like you've both been through quite an ordeal and in light of your past struggle, I'm assured you WILL get through this one as well.

mssue · Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2005 11:57 am Post subject: Re:Breast Cancer Survivor

Dear Caregiver,

It sounds like You have both been through alot- Sad

as difficult as it has all been -the last thing either of You need is to add to the pile-You should be at the point of saying Whew-we made it and enjoy the fruits of Your labor instead of having to dealing with the effects of alcohol. I'm glad You two are communicating and You wife understands what is going on-I don't think she really sees the ill effects that it may be having on You and Your relationship,I mean who wants to spend their life policing someone who continues with this type of behavior without any thoughts of the consequences it may have on their own health and not to mention their partners mental health (worry and watching).You are right about it increasing the chances of reoccurence-or possible part of the reason to start with-None of that matters ,the part about if it was part of the reason because You can't change the past-but You can cease the day now -and make a difference in Your future.Making solid decisions on lifestyle changes may help-I do know You cannot help someone who is not willing to help themselves.With that being said,it may be a good idea to get intouch with her Doctor ,they may have some suggestions-is she taking any kind of antideppressant? I use to drink but since they put me on elavil I haven't had the taste for nor want any alcohol to drink.The chemo put me in to menopause-my hormones were going wild-the Elavil taken at night helps me sleep better and kind of levels me out-it also has a larger threshhole for pain,You know all the aches and pains left over from the effects of chemo that we live with. My husband could really tell the difference in me since starting it,it has been 2 years now. i don't know if any of this helps and I hope You don't take any thing I've said the wrong way.It's just a difficult thing to deal with -my ex-husband was an alcoholic and about three years ago ,which we didn't realize the levels of consumption,I found out my sister is in the latter stages of cirrhosis of the liver-addictions are tough on any level-be it cigarettes,alcohol You name it -they can take control making them harder to deal with-and some just can't get past it because they can't or won't admit there is a problem in the first place.If You wife has taken that first step be sure to confide this with the Doctor. My thoughts and prayers are with You both as You embark on this life with courage and strength.

God Bless You,
((hugs))
_________________
Sue
Age-48
DX-8/29/2003
Stage 1 - ER/PR-,HER2-NU+3
Infilterating Ductal Carcinoma
Modified Radical Mastectomy/Left-side
4 Rounds of A/C-completed 1/2004

MarkS

As a recovered alcoholic myself I would strongly advise you to contact Al-anon. You can talk to the spouses of some alcoholics and decide if you think it's for you or not.
There's no cost or obligation, they're not going to pester you if you decide it's not for you, and no big white van with Al-anon painted in huge red letters will show up in your driveway.
That's the thing with Al-anon. There's no professionals, it's just people helping people.It's the spouses of alcoholics trying to help others as they learn to cope themselves and it works.

BCCaregiver · New User Joined: 24 Sep 2005 Posts: 6

I have considered Al-anon - thanks for the push.

BCCaregiver · New User Joined: 24 Sep 2005 Posts: 6

mssue - thank you for your heartfelt message. She IS on some anti-anxiety meds, Celexa and Wellbutrin, and has been since before the cancer.

Problem is that when she drinks, it lessens the effects of those meds which compounds the problem.

We ARE communicating about this and I know that's a good thing - like I said earlier it could just be me being too sensitive and judgemental since I am a teetotler and always have been.

Still, I like the Al-anon suggestion and will look into it. The closest meeting is about 45-minutes (each way) from us, so I'll have to come up with some sort of excuse to get out of the house. (I hope she doesn't suspect that I'm having an affair!!)

MarkS

Just wondering how you're doing.

sandyhoward · Posted: Sun Jan 01, 2006 7:19 pm Post subject: I was exactly where she is now...

My name is Sandy Howard and I am a survivor too. I survived the poison, cut and burn, and have been taking Tamoxifen for 2 years.
After my treatment ended I expected pure euphoria, absolute relief and bliss. I was dead wrong. I was anxious, I cried, I was depressed, I had major insomnia, I was an emotional trainwreck. Thankfully I found natural, gentle healing and wrote a book about my extraordinary healing journey. check out our website at Lifeafterchemo.com, , send me your mailing address at lifeafterchemo@aol.com and I will mail my book "Life After Chemo; Complete Emotional and Physical Healing is possible", free of charge, my gift to you. My dream is to help others who are needlessly suffering as I was. God Bless You !!

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