Living without faith

Meg · New User Joined: 18 Sep 2005 Posts: 9

My mother died on October 5th from Pancreatic Cancer. I am devastated, of course, and doing my best to cope. Never has it been so hard to go through the motions of getting up in the morning and getting dressed and going to work and acting like I care about anything other than the fact that I no longer have a mother.
In looking through this website (which I have posted on before and have found it to be immensely helpful) I find that most people take comfort in faith and prayer. But what about those of you who do not have faith? I don't have that comfort of thinking of my mother as being "in a better place" or "with god" or any of that. I don't believe in god and being in people's prayers gives me no comfort. I wish I did but the belief simply is not there. Is there anyone out there like me? Where do you get your comfort?
_________________
Meg

brainman · Posted: Sat Nov 12, 2005 11:17 am Post subject: Man of uncertain faith

Meg, I could not help but reply. First of all, let me say who sorry I am about the death of your mother. I know how painful my mother?s death was for me. Although I am a "man of faith", as they say, I am still not through with grief. I think that the fact that I have the same cancer she died with has something to do with that. However, I also found of little comfort platitudes like: ?She is in a better place now? or ?She is in heaven.? Where I find comfort is in hugs from truly understanding friends who know what I am going through. That is when I feel: ?Ahh. I miss Mom, but everything is going to be fine.?

I also have that same feeling after a good cry.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

rob1234 · New User Joined: 14 Nov 2005 Posts: 7

I just lost my mother too, Im 33, she was 61. She died of liver cancer. I never had alot of faith but when i met my wife I went to church with her family and I just sorta got into it. No strange holy roler stuff, just saying prayers before dinner, going to church, and just hanging out together. my wife lost her father to diabetes 2 years before i met her. I know that faith keep her together. Now 2 years after we got married i lose my mom. At least believe that all the work your mother did for you, she would want you to go on to share the joy that she brought to you with others.

annie25 · New User Joined: 09 Nov 2005 Posts: 2

Hi! I completely understand how you feel - I also don't have faith, and it was difficult to find books that deal with cancer that aren't faith-based. My father is currently living with stage 3 multiple myeloma, which has torn my family and myself apart emotionally this past year. The best way I can think to cope is to surround yourself with friends who truly care about you. I was terribly depressed, but then I contacted some old friends who were willing to listen to me and made me feel a whole lot better. Posting on this site is also a great way of venting, which I believe is a critical first step - finding a positive way to release all of that stress, anger, and sadness. Personally, I've started sporadically writing in a journal - a coping technique my sister suggested, as well as getting into my old hobby of sewing. Doing something, even reading or taking a walk - just do something!! The worst thing is sitting around feeling sad. It's understandable that you are sad, but there's still such a beautiful world out there for you to enjoy. I hope this helps!!

MarkS · Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 7:41 pm Post subject: Re: Living without faith

Life does suck at times, no doubt about it, and that is true whether you have faith or not.
I think that you have to hang on to the thought that this too will pass. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and it will get better.

sergei · New User Joined: 08 Dec 2005 Posts: 2 Location: Estonia

You cannot find comfort because you loved your mother so much. Why do you want to be free from your sorrow? The comfort you are looking for does not exist. Do not you sometime feel that this deep sorrow has some kind of beauty? It is part of your body. You do not need any advice, including mine.

speeding_ticket_info

I'm definetely not someone big on faith. (I write poetry under a pen name of HellFire, that should be a clue) Anyways...
I just found out my father still has cancer. We thought it was gone, but were wrong. It appears to be Stage III or IV and is in the bone marrow. The outlook is grim. I suppose I take comfort in that I know now. He might only have 3 or 6 months left.
I'm not crying. Okay, not very much. I have six months to enjoy knowing my father is alive and that I can celebrate being able to be with him and speak to him as much as possible. It'll be hard, since I live 6 hours away. But, I will work my ass off to cherish every moment I can and I will savor every moment I can.
I know my dad loves me and he knows I love him. I'll be sad when he's gone, but no one lives forever. So, I don't know that I will grieve much. Yes. I will. Is my dad going to a "better place"? I don't think so. Even God can't love my dad as much as I do. God doesn't (if you believe in that sort of thing) love unconditionally. But I love my dad unconditionally and he loves me unconditionally. What more could I want or ask for?

Faith. That's for people that don't have enough love in their lives. If you are looking for a place to find comfort. I suppose, to a point, I've found it already. My comfort comes from knowing that even death and God can't cheat me from the love I have. Nor time. Nor anything else. I'm sure you loved your mother and she loved you. It wouldn't hurt if that wasn't true. But, even pain is overcome by love. Remember that. Remember the love you have and will never lose.
_________________
Speeding tickets suck. Cancer kills. And I REALLY hate them both.

fmdrivegirl · Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2005 9:52 am Post subject: Re: Living without faith

Well - I too lack in the faith department. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me.... I lost my dad on October 29th - less than a month after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I have never dealt with anything like this before and maybe I'm not dealing with it very well now. He was my best friend and the only time I can even cry is when I'm alone. Its like I had to stay strong cause that would be what he expected from me.
I still have a hard time accepting he is gone.
Like you, I don't believe he is with god or gone to heaven.... but I do believe he has moved on - where? Your guess is as good as mine. I had a hard time thinking there was nothing after the body died. I have always thought there must be something more. Maybe that helps me. Do you believe that - or do you think it all ends when the body dies?
I hang on to thoughts of my dad - of my childhood, of time spent with him. Sometimes, I do find myself laughing at some of my memories but mostly I find I have an unbearable weight hanging on me. With the first christmas without my dad on the horizon.............well, I just don't know.
People say that you will find a new "normal" after the loss of a loved one. I'm sorry that I'm not much help but mostly it feels like I will NEVER be normal again.

MarkS · Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2005 8:35 pm Post subject: Re: Living without faith

I find this thread so sad. I wish there was some way for you to experience what it's like to have faith. I guarantee that once you experienced it you'd never go back.
I wasn't always this way. I wasn't raised with any kind of faith so I know what it's like to live without it. I know what it's like to ask myself why I keep fighting so hard to keep going when there's really no place to go. Why I kept getting up in the morning just to do it all over again when I couldn't think of one good reason why I should. Why bother? What was the point? I'm just going to die anyway so WTF? The whole thing (life) seemed like one big excercise in futility and frustration - empty, devoid of meaning or purpose.
Now it's all so different. I have meaning and purpose. My life counts for something.
People think faith is the way of weakness. Read my posts here. Do I sound weak to you? I certainly don't feel weak. I feel stronger than I ever have in all my life - and I'm facing death! Weird eh? It surprises me too.
I found something, a source of power and strength, and it's REAL.
You can laugh, you can scoff, you can call me a nut, I don't care. All I know is that I've lived on both sides of that fence and I like it over here way better.
Just open your heart to the possibility that there is a God. That's where I started.
_________________
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

mssue · Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2005 2:28 pm Post subject: RE:Faith

I too am saddened by what I've read Crying or Very sad

,I agree with Mark, I know everyone has the right to their own opinion-I've just never heard nor read such strong opposition to Faith.I find it deeply disturbing to think someone actually feels this way. Does this also mean that people who don't believe don't celebrate Easter or Christmas Question

That just comes to mind because it's that time of the year. I don't really know what to say,except each to their own-but since I do believe I am keeping You all in my prayers.
_________________
Sue
Age-44
DX-8/29/2003
Stage 1 - ER/PR-,HER2-NU+
Infilterating Ductal Carcinoma
Modified Radical Mastectomy/Left-side
4 Rounds of A/C-completed 1/2004

MarkS · Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2005 7:52 pm Post subject: Re: Living without faith

There's so much I could talk about here but I'm not sure if it would be appropriate to do on an open forum so just let me say that if anyone wants to talk with me, ask questions, or whatever, PM me. I'm always happy to share.
_________________
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

palebluedot · Posted: Sun Dec 25, 2005 3:45 am Post subject: Faith and Grief

I was actually thrilled to run across your note about faithless grief. Thrill is probably the wrong word; but I admire you for reaching out for the strength to both understand and appreciate your nonbelief.

Logic and reason are all the tools you need to move on. Your mother and her impact on your life remain indellibly printed in your brain and in your heart. No belief in the unseen could ever provide you with the comfort your mother brought you, and the memories of how that comfort affected you. They still do, quite obviously.

Faith would give you an excuse to depart from reality and pretend that your mother is something she never was or ever could be. Your mother is not an angel nor is she floating in some imaginary netherworld. She lived the only life she had. Now, she lives on in your own reality. That is far more powerful or meaningful than a pretend afterlife.

So remember that everything you are today is a reflection of your mother's impact on your life. Turn that memory into something meaningful for you and for the only life you have to live. When you think about it, reality can be a beautiful thing, even in grief.

To put it all in perspective, I invite you to read a passage from a famous speech given by the late great Dr. Carl Sagan.

( See http://obs.nineplanets.org/psc/pbd.html)

Nothing rings more true than Sagan's "Pale Blue Dot," his reference to the image of earth as seen by Voyager from 3.7 billion miles away:

"We succeeded in taking that picture [from deep space], and, if you look at it, you see a dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever lived, lived out their lives. The aggregate of all our joys and sufferings, thousands of confident religions, ideologies and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilizations, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every hopeful child, every mother and father, every inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every superstar, every supreme leader, every saint and sinner in the history of our species, lived there on a mote of dust, suspended in a sunbeam.

The earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that in glory and in triumph they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of the dot on scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner of the dot. How frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light.

Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity -- in all this vastness -- there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. It is up to us. It's been said that astronomy is a humbling, and I might add, a character-building experience. To my mind, there is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly and compassionately with one another and to preserve and cherish that pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known."

Enough said. All the best....

Marc

rmaureen · Experienced user Joined: 06 Oct 2005 Posts: 99

Meg, I can understand where you are coming from, as a former atheist myself. I do say former because it takes more faith for me to believe this
universe came out of absolute nothingness into some random act of physics producing a well ordered universe. I believe in God, and me
being diagnosed with cancer has nothing to do with my belief in God. Like I said, I understand where you are coming from and I am sorry for your grief. I do feel you should join a support network of people who have lost a loved one, and I believe it does help to write down your feelings; to keep a journal. And yes, I know you have heard it a hundred plus times, but it will take time to assimilate all of this. But please seek out some kind of help with this such as individual or group therapy: some sort of support group.

	Cancer Forums Forum Index -> Coping and Support	All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Page 1 of 1

A website for discussions about any type of cancer, including lung cancer, breast cancer, mesothelioma, prostate cancer, laryngeal cancer, leukemia, lymphoma, multiple myeloma and others