advice please...

veryconcerned · New User Joined: 16 Jan 2006 Posts: 3

Hi! Everyone!

I am new to this forum. I have reached a dead end. I would really appreciate any advice I can get on this matter.

My brother's wife has had breast cancer three times. Crying or Very sad

She has suffered through depression which has taken a toll on them. She has had cancer in both breasts. She had to go through two mastectomies. By the third time he told her not to bother with getting implants b/c he was worried about her having any future surgeries that might come with the implants.

The problem is, he can't seem to get used to the fact that she has no breasts. At that time, he thought he would be ok with her having no breasts. After three years without breasts, he realizes it is affecting their marriage. He is very supportive, but this one thing is eating him up inside. Of course his wife does not know about his feelings...he would never do that to her.

I try to be positive with him. I have suggested counseling, but he is not interested. I just don't know what to say anymore. I really want to help him get through this, but he gets very frustrated about this topic.

Please advise.

Thank you,

veryconcerned

karenkernel · Regular Joined: 07 Jan 2006 Posts: 12

Hi,
I don't know if what I am going to say will help, but he needs to talk to his wife about his feelings. She needs to know how he feels or will blow a gasket and tell her in a way that will hurt her feelings. She may also be able to help him with those feelings.
She probably can sense that he is troubled by something. Letting her go on guessing what that is is unfair to her also.
Has he talked to her about how she feels with no breasts. She is maybe feeling worse than he is.
If there marriage is strong enough they will get through this together.
Good luck to you both!

veryconcerned · New User Joined: 16 Jan 2006 Posts: 3

Hi,

Thank you for your reply Karenkernel. I appreciate it. Smile

I have told him to tell her, but he is sure she won't be able to take it. She is already very insecure about her appearance and thinks that he is interested in other women b/c of their breast. She is not comfortable if he has woman as friends...so he tries not to. Yes, I think he will blow a gasket if he doesn't do something soon. That is why I am so desperate to help them.

They both are very good people. I think deep down they both know this is an issue, but my brother will not dare bring it up...it will hurt her too much.

I am sure she is feeling as bad as he is. If she knew how bad he feels, I think it would hurt their marriage. She has been through enough, so he doesn't want to put her through anymore pain.

It is a very difficult predicament. I am open for anymore suggestions.

Thanks again!

brainman · Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2006 12:15 am Post subject: Re: advice please...

I cannot begin to feel the way a woman must feel after a mastectomy! Some take it well, while for others it can be a devastating blow to their self-image. What I suggest is hard but it does sound like it needs to be done. Your bother and sister-in-law need counseling. The mastectomy is obviously striking something deep within both of them and in turn that is affecting their relationship. The longer they wait, the worse the problems will become.

I don't know how close you are to the two of them, but it sounds like a third party may need to step in and say: "I love you both and I hate seeing you this way. Won't you consider family counseling?"

Of course, it would be better if your brother would go to his wife with the idea. He needs to stay focused on the fact that HE is having a problem... not her... but that her presence is important to him because he does love her.

These are only suggestions. You must follow the guidance of your heart.
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veryconcerned · New User Joined: 16 Jan 2006 Posts: 3

Thank you brainman for your advice.

YOu have some good ideas...but, my brother is so stubborn. He does not think counseling will help. I have suggested it many times to my brother, but my sister-in-law doesn't know I know about his feelings, so she might get offended if I suggest it to the both of them.

You're right I have told him to accept things as they are, but when I say this he gets frustrated with me.

I wonder if this is a common feeling for other men who have a wife who has undergone masectomies???

Admitting his feelings to his wife is just not an option...I think their marriage would be over if he did. Counseling is not an option either b/c he is so against it...and doesn't trust the counselors and it is too expensive.

I don't know what to do....

Thanks for your suggestions guys!

Take care,

veryconcerned

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