How to handle a hard but important upcoming meeting ...

tauxania · New User Joined: 05 Feb 2006 Posts: 2 Location: Montana

Hello all. I am very new to this sight but hope that you can all give me some important info and insight into the future for my family. Basically I am a 32 year old woman - and my gramma whom I love dearly has been diagnosed with cancer this week. Not JUST cancer, mind you - but cancer in 5 places!!! I have not spoken with the oncologist yet so I don't know what their special little names are but basically she has cancer that originated in the kidneys, and now it in kidneys, liver, lungs, lymph nodes and vaginal cavity. She went in because she has been weak (anemic) and nauseous for months now - oh and did I mention that she is 85? She has led a very healthy, awesome life until now and she is sooooo weak and beaten that I don't see her surviving chemo. So .... my question for all of you is this - what should I be doing??? I mean I am the doer of the family - I get things done even if they are the hard things. We have a meeting with the oncologist on Wednesday but what can I read or find out in the meantime? What should I ask the dr? And lastly, what kind of timeframe are we looking at?? Is the oncologist going to be able to honestly answer that???

Please give me your insight - even if it is not a "medical" opinion but a personal one - all opinions accepted here!!!!

thanks all ...

brainman

I say this so often that the frequent reader will know already the first thing I will say:

1. Get a journal. Fill it with every question you have for the oncologist. Make notes in it from the visits with the doctor(s). Have a section in it for references (books, Internet Sites, etc).
2. Make sure you note the type, grade, site, and size of the cancers. Most likely, there will only be one source with the other sites being metastasis (same cell-type just spread to different locations).
3. I am the type of person who likes to know all I can. Very likely, the first literature you will find on cancer in general and the specific cancer your grandmother has will be in the doctor’s waiting room. Take a copy of everything that applies. They often have good, reliable sources for your further research.
4. Ask specific questions to your grandmother’s doctor, here, and other reliable sources.
5. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that all you have read and heard are statistical probabilities. Don’t give up hope. Try to continue to live and help your grandmother to live as if she still has 15 more years of life.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

cjago · Regular Joined: 14 Jan 2006 Posts: 42

The onc won't be able to give you an accurate answer to "how long" - at best it will be a statistical one which doesn't help much.

Ask the onc "what would be the average length of life for a cancer situation like this if it were completely untreated except for palliative measures like pain medication"

Then if he/she proposes chemo or any other treatment, ask "what would be the average length of life for a cancer situation like this if treated as you suggest" - very politely!

Personal advice: think what you can do to make her most happy every day. Think what you can do to make all of you most able to live with it after her death, be it soon or years away. Don't put any of these things off. (You can see I don't quite agree with brainman about behaving as though she still has 15 more years of life; if you knew she had 15 more years of life, you would be putting things off). If the onc wants to do chemo, think very carefully about it together. Chemo can be well tolerated, but it can also be horrible. Think about quality of life not just quantity.

Here is a site on kidney cancer (in fact, if you read under "treatments" it doesn't look as though it is very likely that chemo will be suggested).

http://www.cancerbacup.org.uk/Cancertype/Kidney

Best of luck!
_________________
adenocarcinoma of the breast, now widely metastatic (stomach, liver, pelvis, pancreas, bones, skin)
survived 11 years so far

tauxania · New User Joined: 05 Feb 2006 Posts: 2 Location: Montana

Wow thanks. These are both very awesome replies and I appreciate it. Especially since I would be willing to bet you see ?'s like mine a lot and I appreciate your patience in answering mine nonetheless!!!

I love the journal idea too. And of course, the quality of life suggestions. These are things I have been thinking about but to see it in writing is very helpful.

Thanks again,
Taux

mopnglo42 · New User Joined: 09 Feb 2006 Posts: 4 Location: Ohio

Taux,

One of the first and foremost questions would be to ask your grandmother what she wants. Does she want aggressive treatment or just palliative care? And you may need to read in between the lines, because some patients really don't want treatment, but will "do it for the family."

If the doctor does propose some kind of treatment, ask about quality of life. The treatment may give you more time, but at what costs? Certain chemos and radiation (depending on where it is) can cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, increase in pain, fatigue, etc.

Ask the doctor to be realistic. Some doctors were trained to "cure, cure, cure." Some doctors see "doing nothing" is failure.

May He give you guidence and strength.

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