My Dad was diagnosed 3 weeks ago......

nycgirl · New User Joined: 12 Nov 2005 Posts: 7

It's a terrible double tragedy, Mae with a small comfort of thinking your husband died surrounded by the loved ones. Hang in there.

My dad's stent clogged 2 weeks before X-mas and he came down with jaundice again. The stent was replaced and he got back home on X-MAs. He's doing pretty good, still weak but got back his apetite. I couldn't go home for X-mas but I talk to him and my mom on the MSN with the webcam and audio. It gives both of us some comfort. I hate the fact I live across the ocean and my poor mum is alone. I'm an only child and so far away.

Best wishes for a better 2006 for everybody here.

M.

Mae · Regular Joined: 28 Jul 2005 Posts: 22

Nycgirl

Thanks for the reply. It seamed so sudden for us even though we knew he was getting weaker and weaker. But he was ready. The last few days we had trouble controling the pain even with the IV MS. He was either asleep or in pain. What a terriable illness. But he was a himself to the very end. He talked to us at 8:45 p.m. and told us his last wish and died at 9:30 p.m.
Your Mom will need you later toward the end. Best to you and yours

Mae

Terri Lynn · New User Joined: 21 Jan 2006 Posts: 1

My Mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 2 weeks ago. It is inoperable, so she may go through some chemo/radiation. We are going to Charleston, SC for a celiac nerve block next week. She is in so much pain. We hope this will control it. The oxycodone and fentanyl patches aren't doing a very good job. She never had her first pain until Nov. 12, 2005. I can hardly believe how fast this cancer progresses. Mom has good days when she feels like doing things, but a lot of the time she is in excrutiating pain. I don't know how long she has to live, but from what I've read it's 6-10 months. I wonder what the end days will bring. I want to be as prepared as possible. Can anyone tell me what can happen?
Terri Lynn

Mae · Regular Joined: 28 Jul 2005 Posts: 22

Terri Lynn

I wish I could tell you how this illness will proceed and what to expect, that is something all of us would have liked to know! But unfortuently this illness is so unpredictible except for the final outcome. I read everything I could find on the subject and everyting on this site and was still not ready. My spouse was fine one month before he died (by fine I mean of course he was weak and had pain but it was pertty much controled and he was flying with and another pilot just for safety) then all of the sudden he started having more and more pain and got very weak and unstable on his feet. I don't know if it was all the meds for pain or not but he was so flustratred that he could no longer be left alone even for a few min. Then 3 wks before his death he got very short of breath and the last week he was started on O2 altho it did not realy help his 02 saturation he felt it helped, and that is what this is all about doing whatever it is to make them feel better for the moment. It is so hard because all you can do is be there and keep them as pain free as possible. I will say this tell your mom you love her all the time even then when she is gone it will not have been enough.

I pray for you

Mae

nycgirl · New User Joined: 12 Nov 2005 Posts: 7

Terri

Like Mae said everybody is different. My dad is on palliative care without chemo. He recovered from the second bout of jaundice but weighs 61 kg. I'm 62! He takes about 12 different pills a day and for now occasionally a painkiller. He says it's not bad, more of a discomfort. His apetite is good too. He even wants to work a bit to keep his mind occupied with other things. He's been alive for 10 months since his initial diagnosis and in August his cancer was deemed unoperable. I just hope your mom and my dad won't suffer. It's hard to be optimistic with this disease but we all have to hang on to little things. Every day counts.

My best wishes.

nycgirl · New User Joined: 12 Nov 2005 Posts: 7

Hi Mae!

I hope you are coping somehow. I have my good and bad days. When my dad feels good and we laugh and joke I feel great but when he is so -so or doesn't come on-line I start to worry. He lives on borrowed-time but how long? Thanks for your support.

Mae · Regular Joined: 28 Jul 2005 Posts: 22

Thanks nycgirl for thinking of me.

It is so hard to keep going I sometimes think this is harder than his illness. At least he was still here, don't get me wrong, I would not want him back like he was the last mo. He was so weak and in so much pain you could see it on his face. But before the pain got so bad. Even thou we spent every min together there is still so much I wish I could tell him. I keep a pict. of by my chair and bed and I still talk to him several times a day. But no one answers me. I have little energy and can only do one or two things a day and then I am exhausted. A friend of mine told me( who lost her spouse a yr ago) loss is very heavy.

But my husband said many times before he died " I want you to live and be happy go and do things see different places for me and teach the grandchiidren to fly. So I am trying.

love Mae

nycgirl · New User Joined: 12 Nov 2005 Posts: 7

Mae!

I'm trying to prepare myself for the unthinkable but it's impossible. I'm not religious but I think the concept of our departed beloved watching us from above or being with us is strangely comforting in loneliness. My catholic gran told me this when I was a child after she realized how much I was missing my grandpa. I'm happy I can read about your personal experiences.

Monika

nycgirl · New User Joined: 12 Nov 2005 Posts: 7

It's terrible I have to add this sad piece of news to all the other ones but my beloved dad died on Sunday Feb 19, 2006. I didn't make it to the hospital on time because it all happened very fast. I live in NYC, my parents are in Europe. I feel horrible but on the other hand I was there in October when my dad was still in quite a good shape and that's how I will always remember him. My mom said he died quietly without suffering and I'm grateful for that.

Last week he was taken to the hospital because he developed anemia and needed blood transfusion. He was doing pretty well after that but was still very weak. Also he developed an annoying constant burping problem (mostly air) that kept him awake at night. Although he had no pain or problems with food his apetite dwindled from exhaustion. It became a major nuisance especially after meals. Medications gave little relief. Since he started eating less and took 13 different pills a day he lost more weight---59 kg and it must have weakened his body.

He was supposed to go home this Saturday but my mom called me that day saying his blood pressure dropped to 50/30 and the doctors thought it's very serious. Since the director of the oncology center was my dad's friend they gave him blood again and nutrients via IV as a psychological boost because they couldn't do anything more to help him. He added she should prepare for the worst so she stayed in the hospital that day and night. I wanted to book Sunday flight but I was told he won't make it till Monday. I called the hospital a couple of hours later with a horrible anxiety---it was already Sunday morning in Europe---his state was already critical. 3 hrs later his body gave up, his blood pressure was gone and soon afterwards he fell asleep and died. My mom was with him till the end and held his hand as he whispered to her to tell me that he loved me. I cried till I ran out of tears. We were very close, he was my hero, my mentor, my friend, my daddy. I miss him terribly. I saw him last on the internet on my 37th b-day---11 days ago. The next day he was scheduled to check into the hospital to receive blood.

They gave him 3-6 months but we didn't tell him and he lived nearly 12 since his first symptoms in early march 2005 without the chemo and suffering. I guess his organism was very strong; he was never seriously sick besides an occasional cold. Since he could eat despite his two jaundice attacks and had relatively mild discomforts the doctor didn't advise chemo which in most advanced cases in not very effective and could have made him worse. It turned out for the better thank God. The doctors let him eat his favorite pickled herring the last time he had a real meal and it made him happy Smile

Soon I'm moving to Europe for a longer period of time to be with my mom. I'm an only child and she's alone. My parents were married 40 years and I worry about her grieving by herself in the apartment where everything reminds her of my dad.

I know this post is long but I just had to tell it all. Thanks for listening and support. My special warm thank you goes to Mae. Now I know how you feel and it hurts so much. I hope time with heal our wounds.

Mae · Regular Joined: 28 Jul 2005 Posts: 22

nycgirl
I am so sorry. I wish I could say it gets better but so far it has not for me. my friends tell me it will but all I see for now is the long lonley years ahead. The good part is all the years we had. That is what you must focus on and remember the good times. I want to send you something for you to share with your mother it is a followes:

To my husband and hero. __________, who has filled my life with sunshine. When I think back over the years, I realize that love is an ever changing journey, and I am so very thankful you are the man who has taken that journey with me. When the way has been rough, you have always been there to steady me. When I've grown disheartened, you've given me the courage to keep trying. In the good times, you've laughed with me and shared my joy. In the sad times, you have cried with me and given me strength. In short, you have always been and always will be my everything.

nycgirl, I do not know who wrote this but is says it so well. I read it almost every day and it helps me. I hope it will help you and your mom.

Also their is a book on grief by Earl A. Grollman
Living when a loved one has died. That has helped.

A friend of mine gave me this book and it goes through the process
the book identifies your feeling and helps you through this time. Some of the normal feeling are
emotional reactions: Numbness Confusion, Sadness, Guilt, Yearning, Despair, Hopelesness, Feeling Lost, Anger Bitterness

physical Reactions: Deep sighing, weakness Fatigue Rapid heartbeat, Increased Blood pressure, decrease in activity, muscular tension, sleep disturbances, wt changes, neglect of self increased sensory awareness

Behavioral Reactions
Blameful of others, Apathetic regarding others, preoccupied, Crying, seeking solitude, seeking forgiveness, searching for what is lost, detached from surroundings disoriented to time an place, withdraw from freinds and family unalbe to concentrate.

I know this is a long list but so much of it has and is still happening to me
greif is so heavy. It takes all my energy just to get up and do what I have to do. I am soooo tired all the time and I do not want to go out with friends but I make myself. I hope this will help you understand some of the thing you and your mom will experience and I wish you the best.
My thoughts are with you and always remember you are loved. Your dad s last works were "I love you" and my husbands last words were to see I was taken care of which is love in action. Like the poem says I am so thankful he loved me.

Mae

missparents · New User Joined: 23 Feb 2006 Posts: 1 Location: memphis

i am new to this forum. my mother passed away at 51 from pancreatic cancer, she lived 9 months. i feel for you and your family. may God bless you and i will pray 4 you and your family.

tanya d rn
_________________
this is for me to dedicate my time to help others to heal. my mother died,age51,of pancreatic ca in 9-25-03/ my father died,age53,single bypass complications in 9-24-05. both of the death certificates were stamped oct. 1-on 2003 the other 2004. my words are dedicated to them. may i help wounded hearts for i feel their pain.

Mae · Regular Joined: 28 Jul 2005 Posts: 22

Tanya d m

Its strange this site has so much sadness yet it brings comfort somehow. I guess because we find we are not alone in our pain, others have lost so much also and in some way it helps us to find a kindered spirit. I do not think you ever get over the loss but you find a way to go on maybe we become stronger. You know the old saying what does not kill us makes us stronger.

i will keep you in my thoughts

Mae

nycgirl · New User Joined: 12 Nov 2005 Posts: 7

Thank you Mae and Tanya for your warm words. It is true that even if the topic of our posts is depressing yet at the same time it's comforting to share our thoughts and memories with those who know the pain of loss. I appreciate your openess to listen and talk about that.

I'm back home with my mom after the funeral and family gatherings. I still feel shell-shocked and think my dad just left for one of his trips and will be back soon. The worst thing was packing his clothes for charitable donation. I still cannot bring myself to put up any pictures of him. To me he is somehow, somewhere still alive. Now I have to sell his beloved car( my mom doesn't drive and I live on a different continent) and my heart is breaking into pieces.

My mom is trying to forget the unforgettable---watching someone you love die minute by minute. When I listened to her story we cried horribly. She still has memory flashbacks: last words, gestures etc. Although my dad didn't suffer physically he was mentally devastated to be helpless as a child. He was the invincible one, full of energy and humor but turned into a weak, clumsy old man. He insisted till the last moments to do things on his own without the help of the nurses. My mom says he was tired of being tired and weak but believed he'd go home till the end.

There are moments when we laugh and life goes on and there are moments when we cry together or separately but I know I will always remember him the way he was---a great father, not without flaws but full of love, devotion, friendship and a big heart for everybody. I was stunned when I saw the cathedral full of people as if it were a mass not a funeral. I think it'd make my dad happy to see that.

I hope all of us will find the strenght to pick up the pieces and fill the void with love.

Monika

Mae · Regular Joined: 28 Jul 2005 Posts: 22

nycgirl

So gald to hear from you and that you are remembering the good times with your dad. I still sometimes think that my husband is just on a trip or gone to see old buddies and he will be home later. Its part of denial but it helps me get through the days. I speak of him every day and write to him every night in a journal. I will always miss him but you are right life goes on and we must somehow find a way to go on living. That is what they would want us to do. be happy and take care.

mae

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