Sole caregiver just so tired

stillasticat · New User Joined: 19 Aug 2005 Posts: 3 Location: Boston

Hi, all. It's been a tough few months. Three weeks ago I lost a man I loved very much after a long battle with liver cancer, and my mom has metastatic pancreatic cancer. She's at home, and we are working with a good hospice. In some ways, I'm lucky, in that my mom and I have always been close emotionally, and we're close geographically, too. She actually lives right across the street from me. My father died years ago.

I have two siblings. My older sister is an RN, but doesn't have a relationship with my mother. Her son has issues, and she's kind of got her hands full with him. I've made my peace with her not helping. But my older brother lives right here, right downstairs from me (we're in our 40s, both of us), and doesn't lift a finger to help care for my mom, or even do anything to help me with non-caregiving errands. Okay, he suffered a ruptured cerebral aneurysm about 14 years ago, and has some short term memory problems and problems with impulse control, but he's extremely intelligent and high-functioning, has a job doing skilled property maintenance for the state, and travels all over doing household repairs and odd jobs for paying customers, so believe me, he's more than capable of helping. He just won't. He's very toxic towards me and puts me down, calls me names, etc. --My mom is the only one who could make him pitch in, and she won't ask him to do his part, even though she knows I'm falling apart at the seams.

To make matters worse, my mom doesn't want other people to come in and help. She flat-out refused to let my (paternal) aunts, or even her best friend, come visit. Recently, when medications had her too loopy to be left on her own, I put my foot down and asked them and the hospice for help. Since then, I've found a better combination of meds. Her pain and nausea/vomiting are under control, and she's not hallucinating any more, so she doesn't need constant supervision (although I assume she will again, at some point). And what I'm finding is that, between my mom kvetching about hating having the home health aide in, and the pressure I feel from my aunt to let her know when I'll need her -- it's almost not worth it to have asked for help! It takes time to get organized, and I don't have that time! And when I do have some quiet time, I am so dang tired, I can barely think.

In the mean time, my bills haven't been paid in two months, and I have dishes in my sink from a week and a half ago. I love my mom, I really do. But I hate her for allowing my brother to become the person he did, and for allowing him to treat me the way he does, and for not forcing him to share at least some small portion of the work.

Sometimes I suspect that my brother is channeling some sort of anticipatory grief into passive/aggressive behavior, and as his 'little' sister I've always been his most convenient target. But understanding what's going on doesn't make it any easier to deal with, and I've got more than enough grief of my own.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

T.

MarkS · Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 2:03 pm Post subject: Re: Sole caregiver just so tired

T.,
No one can take advantage of you unless you allow them too - and that's exactly what's happening.
You know why your siblings are sticking you with everything?
Because they can.
You know why your mother doesn't want anyone else caring for her?
Because she knows if she kicks and screams that you'll give her what she wants.
They pull your strings and you dance.
And, you're letting them do it.
It's time to take off the halo, admit you're only human, and put your foot down.
_________________
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

stillasticat · New User Joined: 19 Aug 2005 Posts: 3 Location: Boston

Thank you, Mark, for your kind and insightful advice. T.

stillasticat · New User Joined: 19 Aug 2005 Posts: 3 Location: Boston

Mark --

Yeah, okay, I get the spirit of what you're saying. But perhaps I should have been clearer about why I haven't been *able* to "put my foot down," and insist that my brother take on his fair share of the caregiving responsibilities. In the past, he has come very close to being physically abusive toward me. His brain injury affected his impulse control, and there is a line, with him, that I have to be very careful not to cross. Even asking him to do the dishes elicits a response so toxic that it makes me sick to my stomach. My sister can barely stand to speak with him, and they used to be very close. Only my mom has *any* pull with him, now, and she refuses to deal with the problem. She has always had amazing powers of denial. The other day she said, "I know I should be appalled at his behavior, but at this point, I'm just too tired to care."

My sister's teenaged son has ADHD and bipolar disease, so believe me, she's got all that she can handle right now.

In terms of asking for help from my [80+ year old] aunts, yes, I could do that, if I weren't so damned tired that I can't think. It takes some doing to be able to come up with decent grocery or errand lists. (I'm about to sit down and write a to-do list for the new home health aide, and I know it's going to take about an hour.) Did I mention that I, myself, have a chronic health problem? I do. So please don't assume that I'm getting off on some sort of martyr complex. Even the hospice nurse was like, "Wow, this really sucks!" Sometimes, you can find yourself in a really crappy situation, and all the halo-tossing and foot-stamping in the world will just find you hatless and footsore and knee deep in ....crap.

T.

MarkS · Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 12:20 pm Post subject: Re: Sole caregiver just so tired

Let me ask you this T. Who's going to take care of everyone when you're incapacitated by a mental or physical breakdown? That's exactly where I see this going. You can't keep functioning at this level. Your body simply won't let you and it will put a stop to it if you don't.

It's not that I'm not sympathetic but I'm afraid that sympathy would only encourage you to keep doing what you're doing and you can't. Sometimes loving someone means telling them what they need to hear, not what they want to hear.

If I didn't care about you I wouldn't have replied at all.
_________________
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

happyheart · New User Joined: 01 Mar 2006 Posts: 6

Stillasticat,

It sounds like you do have your hands full not to mention the fact you just lost someone you love. There doesn't even seem to be time for you to breathe. With all the things you mentioned it sounds like there is no one you can count on other than you. The fact that you have a medical problem makes it even more necessary that you take care of yourself. Hiring a nurses aid should make a big difference. During that time you need to make it all about "you" and relax or do whatever brings you joy and peace.

My husband has been battling renal cell carcinoma since last February and for the last 5 months has been on crutches and/or a walker and has several surgeries. During this time I have been taking care of my parents (they don't live with me, yet) driving them shopping and to the doctor's and cooking for them. My dad is showing significant changes in his ability to do daily tasks and I feel time time is soon approaching that they will be living with me so they can receive adequate care. As you can see, I know exactly where you are coming from and for this reason I know the importance of taking care of yourself. If you don't, you want be able to take care of anyone else.

My thoughts and my prayers go out to you. May God bless and keep you strong.

Happyheart

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