Why? Sorry this is going to be a whiny post

topazil

Why am I so exhausted, why am I so depressed I don't want to do anything or get out of bed?

Why don't I ever get what "I" want in a relationship; to get told I am pretty and appreciated as well as loved, to get a rose from time to time or some some token of affection, a small I love you letter, or something? No I get told since I am going to die anyways why spend money on me for jewelry (yeah I still think about that) and Tom out and out told me he is not my knight on a white horse or Prince Charming.

Why do I think sometimes it would be better to just stop the chemo, live whatever time I left at least healthy rather than ill or afraid of the next chemo treatment, why was I chosen to get cancer? Why do I get to feel less of a woman because I have to wear bladder pads (since it seems my bladder has dropped again and I can't get the operation as to have it lifted again as long as I am on chemo) and Tom seemingly isn't attracted to me anymore? Why? Just Why?

So anyways I had my PET scan and just waiting for the results and then next Monday I go to have chemo again and am scared of it, knowing it got worse the last time and will just continue to get worse.

I'm the one with cancer and sick and yet guess who packed "everything" ing in the house to move????? Me, because Tom is a procrastinator and I stress over doing things at the last minute. His reasoning? "I hate to live out of boxes" and yet when we get moved here (had moving men with a truck) guess who had to unpack "everything" and put it away, even to his clothes in the closet and in "HIS" dresser.

I am feeling very resentful right now but cannot talk about it to him, we almost came to the "let's just split up" part when I tried to talk to him about helping me pack before we moved and I am afraid it will really happen if I keep at him.

I feel like I am his maid, his laundress, his cat sitter, his cook and now his mother nagging him to put things up on the walls so the cats won't get them and knock them down.

I am so terribly exhausted and have no energy to do anything, my only patch of sun in these clouds is the hopefully good results of my PET scan, I am spiraling down into depression and none of the drugs my Dr. is giving me is helping me and I have no friends to talk to, don't want to "inconvenience" Tom by asking him to drive me to a counsellorl and I am so scared of my next chemo session.

Please pray for me and as I come out of this a little I will try and respond to other posts as that does make me feel good. As always you are always in my thoughts, my prayers and I wish the best and brightest for you.

Marsha
_________________
Total hysterectomy July 23 2008, mass in colon.
Colonoscopy Aug 2008
Rigid Sigmoidoscopy with a laparoscopic-assisted partial colectemy with en bloc small bowel resection Sep 2008
Diagnosed: Stage IV Colon Cancer mets to lungs and liver. (T3,N2,M1,G2) KRAS Mutation
Started chemotherapy: 09/14/09 Folfox-6 with Avastin then Avastin alone.
Next treatment 03/22/10 Camptosar with Avastin every 2 weeks for 3 months then PET scan
Most recent CEA Level: 03/08/10 79.4 down from 240 on 03/01/10

REB

I am sorry you are going through this, Marsha.

With cancer, there is no certainly. There is no guarantee we have a future, for cancer can take that away from us at anytime.

But you know what? No one's future is guaranteed. A healthy person could die in a car accident. It happens every day.

But most people do not live life as if today might be their last day. We, who have been fighting cancer, have been made aware of our mortality. And thus, we are fortunate that we understand living each day as if it was our last. It is sad that it takes facing death for most people to appreciate and enjoy life.

I don know how much time you, I or anyone, has left on this Earth. But I do know we can enjoy each day that we wake up to.
_________________
10/01/07 - Removal of Stage III Colon Cancer Tumor & Temporary Colostomy
11-07-07 - 04-09-08 FOLFOX regimen and Avastin.
04-28-08 Colostomy Reversal
06-02-09 3 Tumors in the adipose tissue.
06-23-09 Start FOLFIRI and ERBITUX chemo.
10-26-09 Tumors gone.
11-25-09 Finish FOLFIRI, continue ERBITUX
01-27-10 Tumors in Liver and Adrenal Gland
01-28-10 start FOLFIRI and ERBITUX chemo.
Age Diagnosed 40. Current Age:43

topazil

(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) REB you don't know how much that helped, just those few words making me understand more clearly. Still exhausted, still depressed, but maybe I'll make it through this with my sanity intact (soft smile)
_________________
Total hysterectomy July 23 2008, mass in colon.
Colonoscopy Aug 2008
Rigid Sigmoidoscopy with a laparoscopic-assisted partial colectemy with en bloc small bowel resection Sep 2008
Diagnosed: Stage IV Colon Cancer mets to lungs and liver. (T3,N2,M1,G2) KRAS Mutation
Started chemotherapy: 09/14/09 Folfox-6 with Avastin then Avastin alone.
Next treatment 03/22/10 Camptosar with Avastin every 2 weeks for 3 months then PET scan
Most recent CEA Level: 03/08/10 79.4 down from 240 on 03/01/10

girlfriend · New User Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Posts: 8

I am really sorry for what you are going through Masha. Even for a person who is not sick, living with a person as Tom (judging from you description) would make one feel sad and depressed. We all want to feel loved, and appreciated... as it is the food for soul, it boost our self esteem, and gives us the reason to live... and when that is missing it just leaves a big empty hole in our heart waiting to be filled... but you know what.... you need to keep fighting because of yourself.

If Tom doesn't want to be your knight in shiny armor, fine... you should stop being his maid, let him do some things on his own for a change instead of leaving all up to you. You have enough worries about your own health problems at the moment and to have to take care of Toms needs as well is just simply too much on the plate.

Remember that you DO have friends here, and people who care, even though you never met them. I hope that your PET scan results will be good, just keep the faith that there are brighter days coming to your life and keep fighting! (((hugs)))

topazil

Thank you girlfriend for your words. Tom isn't a monster or a bad guy, in fact he is my miracle, the last and greatest love of my life.

He only knows hugs and "how do you feel" and "I love you" I think, I don't think he understands my illness or what I am going through although his almost exwife went through uterine cancer and has MS.

I never spoke with her so have no idea how he was before but he is kind hearted just he does not know how to talk things over, he just shuts up and sits there when I try to talk to him about things.

And I love him but you are right I have to love myself more right now so I started my strike inadvertently by being exhausted and depressed, think I might keep it going and see how he likes it.

If worse came to worse and we broke up I have no where to go so maybe nursing homes are my best bet to have on hand in case as I have a feeling he will not like the change, but let's all pray it will work out as it would kill me for him to leave or tell me to leave, but I am not going to think that way I am going to think my PET scan is showing improvement and right now I have three more months of the same chemotherapy and then the Oncologist decides what to do so I will keep 3 months from now my goal and concentrate on take care of me for those three months.

Again, thank you for also putting things in perspective for me.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))00
_________________
Total hysterectomy July 23 2008, mass in colon.
Colonoscopy Aug 2008
Rigid Sigmoidoscopy with a laparoscopic-assisted partial colectemy with en bloc small bowel resection Sep 2008
Diagnosed: Stage IV Colon Cancer mets to lungs and liver. (T3,N2,M1,G2) KRAS Mutation
Started chemotherapy: 09/14/09 Folfox-6 with Avastin then Avastin alone.
Next treatment 03/22/10 Camptosar with Avastin every 2 weeks for 3 months then PET scan
Most recent CEA Level: 03/08/10 79.4 down from 240 on 03/01/10

star · Senior User Joined: 02 Sep 2006 Posts: 308 Location: Ohio

HI MARSHA,

It is really tough and a hard road what you walk, but what makes it worthwhile knowing that people do care and YOU CAN BEAT THIS..

You are never ever alone, and never will be,, keep your dreams,hopes alive its what gives you life.. and there is a lot of life for you to live..

We can live one month with out food, one week with out water, 3 mintues with out air.. BUT WE CANNOTT LIVE 1 MINUTE WITH OUT HOPE..

so hold on to Hope,, its a life saver...

Do not look to the this day,
but the day when you will feel good again..

We all have to walk through storms of life, but then the rainbow, and then slide and have fun in the Sun..

Keep going as you are important to all on this site,,, and we will make sure you are never alone..

SENDING LOTS OF PRAYERS AND BEST WISHES ..Rob

Ps I have sent you a Pm message please read ...

wytyspy · Senior User Joined: 13 Nov 2006 Posts: 116

So sorry you are feeling down and out. Remember that you have a LOT of friends on here that really care how you are feeling. I will be praying for your spirit to be lifted and your treatments to be more tolerable. You have been through so much lately, you have a right to feel down. But you can only feel down for a bit, then you have to put on your big girl panties and live your life to the fullest! Many, many hugs for you. Will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Lucinda

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