klock75
New User
Joined: 03 Jan 2006
Posts: 2
Location: Canada
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 Posted: Tue Jan 03, 2006 5:29 am Post subject: trouble coping and dealing with the bitter truths in my life |
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life-long depression, currently dealing with a cancer scare....i feel that i'm fighting an uphill battle, an i'm fighting it alone. my loved ones are actually forcing me down the hill instead of helping me up. i don't blame them, they don't realize it i'm sure. one problem is i'm not really sure if the goal i'm seeking is one i desire. it's the natural struggle for survival that keeps me trying, that and the immense fear of dying or letting go i guess. i know that if i make it through this 'cancer' thing, i still have a world of pain and hurt ahead of me. my family whom i love very much, i'm afraid to see them suffer or in pain and each and everyone of them has some hint of an upcoming problem. my daughter is mentally and physically handicapped and has cornelia de lange syndrome, my mom with emphysema, my older sister was suspected as having MS, but now it's left as a question mark with no further tests, my younger sister has scoliosis, my dad's got unknown digestive problems, trouble breathing, there is depression related issues with them all. i just feel that i can't face that and that's the invetible truth i guess.
i was diagnosed with skin cancer a couple years ago now, after a nasty looking mole in my sideburn area was finally removed. it took two years to get it removed, extremely late in some doctors eyes. my family doctor kept dismissing it as cosmetic and told me i'd have to pay a large sum of money to get it removed. finally after nicking it with the razor one too many times i gathered the money together to get it removed only to find that it was cancerous. i have since then been in panic mode. the doctors who did the surgery felt there was no need to continue to follow me after one visit, but i continued to see the skin doctors to look for any new moles. i began having problems in my throat area shortly after, just continuous pain. the clinic doctors (i no longer see my family docotor) just kept giving me anti-biotics and to no avail. i recently convinced my oral surgeon who is also a head and neck specialist to send me to the cancer clinic. i had a CT Scan done and am awaiting the results. there is a tiny swollen gland on the side the surgery took place which is also the side the initial pain was on. since the CT scan i have had continuing pain but now on the opposite side as well with an extremely large swollen gland. it hurts to talk sometimes, not extreme pain but enough to know something is wrong. i'm scared. i'm afraid to die plain and simple. i'm also afraid of how i'm going to get by until the inevetible day. i'm practically unemployed, doing a web design job here and there but falling extremely behind on my bills. often too depressed to work.
i've learned all to well how to postpone the inevitable, now i need to quickly learn to accept the inevitable. granted, my life hasn't been the greatest, but i am only 30, about to be 31, i'm at a loss on what to do. it feels that everyone is giving up on me, my family, the doctors...myself.
if it turns out to be cancer, i am not prepared to lose anymore quality of life which surgery or chemo will bring, in order to gain quantity. i'm a firm believer in natural cures. i read about them all the time. it makes sense to me why the powers that be would supress cancer cures, etc. it's all about money, i get that, it's sad but i get it. plus, population has got out of control as well, maybe it's meant to be, i don't know. since i had the skin cancer, i was aware that i had to be on my toes for the possible return of the disease. off and on i take supplements and strive for healthy eating. well, in my current financial situation i have my family bringing me food on occassion, extremely unhealthy food that makes me feel awful after eating it. i learned about ambrotose and the eight essential sugars and i do believe in the science of that but ambrotose is costly. i discovered a way to get the eight sugars in a much cheaper way, with a lot more effort mind you, but it is cheap. i began taking that again recently...it consists of aloe powder, shiitake mushrooms, among other things. i began taking it about 6 or 7 days ago. 2 days after is when the huge gland became swollen. maybe it's healing crisis, i keep telling myself, maybe it's the sugars working to fix any problems in my throat area.
perhaps i get past the cancer thing, then what? my financial life is in shambles, my personal life is a mess. i can't maintain any relationships of any kind and have trouble meeting new people, which is why i'm no longer employed and have troubles finding freelance work. practically my only friend is also my roommate and she really just needs a place to stay and she's got emotional problems as well. my family seems to only be there because they feel they have to. they treat me like i'm dying. they make me feel like a nuisance. their advice, if followed would only make my situation worse. they can't grasp my situaion or understand what i need. to top things off, i also began having chest pain in the area of my heart. i'm underweight. i have and always had extreme low self-esteem. i'm depressed often. i don't see my daughter because i feel i have nothing to offer her right now. we missed Christmas together this year. i don;t know where to turn. my sleeping patterns are whacked. it's going on 5 am right now. i slept from midnight till 3. i'll probably head back to bed around noon till 7pm like i usually do. either i fix my health problems and deal with life one day at a time, or i learn to accept death. i'm scared as hell. is there a magic bullet for health out there? shoot me with it please. are the 8 sugars the answer? yeah, this is sadly my cry for help. i have nowhere to turn... |
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brainman
Site Admin
Joined: 13 Oct 2005
Posts: 4279
Location: Tennessee
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| Posted: Thu Jan 05, 2006 12:26 am Post subject: Re: trouble coping and dealing with the bitter truths in my life |
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klock, all I can say is that many of us have been where you are now... Don't give up. I know you have more questions than answers, but don't give up. In 92, at the age of 38(?), I was diagnosed with a primary brain cancer. The options of surgery or radiation where just too risky. So I went with Chemo. One thing I need to remind myself of as I talk to you is the chemo is not chemo is not chemo. That is, the chemo I took may be (and probably is) totally different from what you would need. Having said that, for me, Chemo DID take away 13 months of my life. But in exchange, chemo gave me 13 years (and counting) of life.
Take one day at a time. If your family is not supportive, find those who will support you through this time. We are here for you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
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Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/ |
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