What to do when someone is in denial

a few questions · New User Joined: 09 Dec 2005 Posts: 7

My brother has lung cancer with 4 brain mets. He has had palliative radiation on brain and lung. Up until about 2 weeks ago he had some good days where he could be wheeled out doors for a short time,before going back to bed exhausted.

He now drifts between states of semi consciousness and unconsciousness, he has a drip and mouth swabs as the medical staff are concerned about aspiration. He can only manage a whisper or hand gestures for communication.

Despite all this his wife insists that he will soon be well enough to go home and that he will be up and walking about before too long. Of his 4 children only one has been a regular (almost daily) visitor, while the other 3 would have been there no more than 3 or 4 times, (he has been in since 2 days after Christmas and before that he was in for 10 days in early December). His children are all old enough to get themselves there (15, 18,22 and 24).

This is really frustrating and upsetting me and I don't know what to do.

MarkS

This goes beyond denial.

Maybe you could arrange for your brothers doctor and a grief counselor to sit this family down and give them a reality check.

I'm sorry about your brother and I'm glad you're there for him. At least one person in his life has some concept of what's happening.
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When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

a few questions · New User Joined: 09 Dec 2005 Posts: 7

Well, he is home now and receiving palliative care. I'm sure he thought that was the only way he was guaranteed to see his family and his beloved dog. His wife seems to be a little bit closer to acceptance, but still (naturally) clutches at everything that shows he is getting well.

She told me that she knows and accepts what is happening, but seeing he has been unconcious twice and pulled through, that this may keep happening. I think she is trying to stay positive for his spirits. I gently reminded her yesterday that it's important that when he has had enough and can fight no longer that he knows that he is allowed to go.

Many of the signs that she sees as improvements such as attempts to move (as if trying to get out of bed), the occasional audible comment, etc I see as either effects of the illness, medication or unfortunately the preactive dying phase.

At least now he is surrounded by those he loves and in the home he worked for.

brainman

Mark may be right. This may be something that needs professional attention... at least assesment.

I default responce to denial is to let is go on as long as the person is not hurting themself (mentally as well as physically) or hurting the patient. If she is just saying that he is trying to get out of bed, that is her interpritation. But if she is pulling his arm trying to "help" him get up, then you need to step in for his protection. You could tell her: "Yes, but he is still not strong enough to stand. Let's let him lie down a little longer." That would be a gentle way to pacify her.

You are in a painful and deficult situation. I would have a pro evalute her needs as Mark suggested.

My thoughts are with you. Keep in touch as his condition changes.
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Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
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