my dad is very sick

cedar · Regular Joined: 01 Apr 2006 Posts: 17 Location: Canada

Hi, new here and need some support. From all my reading about pancreatic cancer I understand very difficult to diagnose. So why are all the symptoms seemingly overlooked if the stories sound so similar? My dad is elderly, contacted diabetes later in life, that was his only complaint. Then went to doctor for 'infection' diarrhea, weight loss, itching, this was about 5 months ago. Right now he's in palliative care ward in hospital, on oxygen, morphine and fluids. His wonderful surgen performed risky operation to try and make him more comfortable-ileostomy, so I don't know if he looks so bad because of the surgury or whether this is it. He had surgery 3 days ago so I might be unrealistic as to how he should be. I haven't sen him 'awake' yet. He's skin and bones. We are trying not to show our grief but it is getting difficult. Thank-you for reading.

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

Hi,

The explanation we were given when my mom was diagnosed -- the location of the organ is somewhat hidden in the back and the early symptoms of this cancer are common -- indigestion/backache.

My mom suffered the occasional indigestion, which was cured by a couple of Tums. She didn't consider to have a CT scan because the pain would go away. She went for xrays due to the backache and was diagnosed with osteoarthritis. My mom had a complete physical examination done in July 2005 and everything seemed okay. She was diagnosed in September 2005 after going to the emergency complaining of severe stomach/back pain.

The pain only worsens at the later stage of the cancer when it is nearly impossible to treat. Also, this type of cancer is very aggresive and has a very low survival rate. When the cancer has spread to other organs, the physicians main objective is keep the patient painfree and comfortable. My mom passed away in October 2005. I didn't realize that this cancer was going to take her so fast.

I wish I could say something positive, but I would be lying. I know how difficult this is for you and your family. Spend precious time with your dad and I will be thinking of you during this difficult time.

Take care....

cedar · Regular Joined: 01 Apr 2006 Posts: 17 Location: Canada

Thank-you, I appreciate your response. I'm looking for someone to blame, hence my disbelief in the way my father was diagnosed. Since I first posted, he has already changed considerably for the worse. We have a large family and I've had words with most of them because I'm so angry. I will try and drop the anger and act with dignity, which is how my father has acted. And my mother certainly doesn't need my attitude. Thanks again.

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

Hi,

I sure understand where you're anger is coming from. I remember taking my frustration out on the doctor who I thought was wasting precious time waiting for tests/results instead of treating my mom asap, and hassling the nurses to give my mom's top-up morphine because her pain wouldn't go away...not my proudest moments. I just couldn't deal with my mom being so seriously sick and I couldn't do anything for her. There were times when I would look outside the hospital window and ask God why he's doing this to us.

As hard as it is to set your anger aside, do it for your dad. Your dad would want his family to get along, especially at this difficult time. Your family needs to pull together and use each other's strength to get through this. Also, be there for your mom because this is hard for her. When my mom was at the hospital, we catered to her every need. We gave her back rubs, foot/hand massages, lotioned her arms and legs, bought any food she wanted to eat. We were there for her and she knew how much she was loved.

My heart sincerely aches for you because I know how tremendously painful this is for you and your family. Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing...this is a place where you can let out your emotions without being judged.

cedar · Regular Joined: 01 Apr 2006 Posts: 17 Location: Canada

Thank-you again. Well, also not my proudest moment, but had big blowout with Dad's GP yesterday. GP had originally prescribed Pepto Bismal for my Dad's diarreah(sp) and antibiotics for a so-called infection both of which were later diagnosed as being the result of a hole in his bowel which was part of the (already) metastisized pancreatic cancer, which(the cancer) was still not diagnosed. Anyways, to give the Dr. credit, he listened to every blow by blow grudge I've harboured as to my Dad's medical treatment etc. Then to my astonishment, his eyes filled up and he gave me a big hug. To make a long story short, that seemed to ease the resentment towards my siblings as well, and after I was able to reassure myself that my Dad is being taken care of properly etc, I'm just able to spend time with him instead of being hyper vigilant as to the standard of care he is receiving. This makes sense to me, does this make sense to you missyoumom? Thank-you again for your responses, they have helped tremendously.

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

Hi,

I think it's great that you opened up to your dad's doctor. You've released all that anger you'ved kept inside and now, you're able to cope better with all that's going on. It makes perfect sense!

Take good care of your dad, as well as yourself. Keep in touch..

cedar · Regular Joined: 01 Apr 2006 Posts: 17 Location: Canada

Hi missumom, well it certainly didn't take long, went in to see my dad this Easter Sunday morning, he was still able to say hello to me, I went home to hide some treats for my children, got called to the hospital a couple of hours later, he passed away a couple of hours after that. Can't believe the rapid deterioration from diagnosis to death. All he did is work hard, even though he was 85 years old he still worked like a dog, that was just the way him and my mom were. He never really experienced a retirement in the way most of us picture retirement. Well, maybe that's not so bad. Thanks, will check in again.

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

My sincere and deepest condolence go out to you.

This type of cancer should really be studied more. There should be some kind of warning signs that doctors can detect to request further testing so that the cancer can be spotted at an early stage and, therefore, have a much greater survival rate. It's unfair how fast it deteriorates the body. It doesn't give us enough time to accept the diagnosis, with death shortly to follow.

Your dad is in the hands of God now...he is no longer suffering. He has reunited with all of his loved ones who have also gone to heaven. Use this forum to help you grieve. I understand all the emotions you are feeling right now. Just know that you're not alone.

Please take care and keep in touch...

cedar · Regular Joined: 01 Apr 2006 Posts: 17 Location: Canada

Well it's been almost 2 weeks since dad passed away, still can't quite believe HOW FAST he detiorated. From the day he went into the hospital for the last time, he went from walking that morning, not only to never walking again, but he couldn't even move from side to side in his hospital bed, feed himself etc. He was like an instant parapalegic. Tomorrow is a little service, family only, for him. My mother is holding up, but is just sad, looks sad, speaks sadly, not doing too much, my dad really ran a tight ship, typical of some of her generation, never made a decision on her own etc. She is 80 herself, and I'm hoping she will eventually find a reason for living life for herself, which is a foreign concept in her generation and culture. I don't know if a large family is helping or not, since we're all upset one way or another and yet trying to support our mother. Will post in a bit, it does seem to help that there are others who know EXACTLY what we're going through.

cedar · Regular Joined: 01 Apr 2006 Posts: 17 Location: Canada

I'm so happy,yet sad, to say we are all looking at this experience with sadness and hope for the future for my mom. She is holding up so well, we're all so proud of her and are looking to her as to how she wants our support. My dad was also so brave and never for one moment felt sorry for himself and his very dire situation, we are so proud of him as well. At the last moment, even though it was way too late, the nurses etc, treated him with utmost respect and dignity and my mother talks about how well he was treated etc. One of the nurses that had to go off shift later phoned my mother AT HOME to express her condolences, which is almost unheard of in the union(no offense intended) environment that our hospital system here is. So because my mom is trying to think of how everyone was so good to my dad, we are trying to think that way to. I'm very sure my feelings of anger will resurface, and I'm also reporting a certain Dr to our disciplinary board, for the moment we're O.K. Heartfelt wishes to others who are grieving.

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

Hi,

I haven't been doing well lately...It seems like I took three steps forward in my grieving process and fell four steps back.

My mom's birthday just past, April 26. Her first birthday that she's no longer with us. I tried to be strong for myself as well as my family and I internalized it so much that I literally got physically/mentally/emotionally exhausted. I wasn't able to work for a few days. I don't really know how I am at this point. I thought I was doing quite well there for awhile, then her birthday came and now, Mother's Day is just around the corner. I am a total mess. Sad

I can't seem to get over my anger with God. Before my mom's illness, I always prayed that he keep my parents together. He let me down. When my mom was in the hospital, I begged and cried for him to make my mom better and he didn't. Instead, he took her. He took her away from my dad and all of us. I know that it's wrong to feel this way and I know I'll probably go to hell for this.

I know that my mom's in heaven, resting in peace, but I would prefer her to be still living with us. Although, we're all trying to just go on living our daily life, everyday is a constant reminder that she's gone. It's almost like starting all over again. Everytime, I hear 'Mother's Day', I re-live her last day with us and it sucks!!!

Sorry for being such a downer right now...just venting and hoping that I'll feel better. Sad

cedar · Regular Joined: 01 Apr 2006 Posts: 17 Location: Canada

of course, I'm so sorry, with Mother's Day around the corner and your mother's birthday, I can understand why this is a bad time, especially Mother's Day is SO commercially promoted you can't get away from it. I'm sure I'll go backwards on Father's Day, but let's face it, it's just not as promoted as Mother's Day. Also I'm sure our family is still in shock and we will soon be going through what you are, missumom. I guess there are no shortcuts. The one thing that people do say that I don't like (and I know they mean well, is well he had a good life etc. Well my dad really didn't,he worked like a dog all his life and then got sick. He never really had a retirement, and he certainly never gave up that he would get better, right before the end he asked my brother if we couldn't phone the oncologist for more 'help'. While I never had much of a practicing 'faith' this also has set me way back in terms of God. I'm not sure how you're going to reconcile everything but I am also thinking of you and your family and hope you will be able to get through this pain and sadness.

missumom · Experienced user Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 65

Thank you for understanding. This is the only place I can truly pour out my inner feelings without being judged. I don't even have the courage to say these things to my family, nor my husband. If they find out how I'm angry with God, I can't imagine their reaction. I would probably be sermoned for a few hours, or even days.

Some people don't really know what pain we're going through. I think the only ones who really understand are those who have also suffered a similar loss. It irritates me when a person who still has both their parents would say to me, "I know how you feel." I almost want to scream at them and say, "No, you don't!" I know they all mean well, but I wish they would just say, "I'm sorry for your loss."

My mom took an early retirement at the age of 61. It wasn't much of a retirement though. I think she took the package because she wanted to help me out. She saw how much problems I was having with babysitters that she offered to take care of my kids. She fed them breakfast (which my children would pre-order the night before -- she spoiled them so much), walk them to school and pick them up after school. It was a 10 to 15 minute walk one way (she didn't drive). She also kept the house clean and cooked dinner.

When the doctor suggested a procedure that my mom could undergo to perhaps help her (which I think it was just to relieve her jaundice, which she understood as saving her life), she patted the doctor's jacket...she was pleading the doctor. I felt so helpless. The doctor later told her that after examining the locations of the cancer mass, the operation would be unsuccessful. It killed me to see the disappointment on her face.

I really appreciate your sincerity. It helps me a lot that I'm able to let my emotions out instead of keeping it all bottled up inside. Thanks again...

cedar · Regular Joined: 01 Apr 2006 Posts: 17 Location: Canada

Hi missumom, I think pancreatic cancer is particularily cruel because I don't think we understand until we've gone through it how little hope there is. It is so sad to see a parent in such desperate straits, and have no treatment of any real value other than palliative.My dad, like your mom, believed that the Dr. could do some procedure or operation that would reverse the course his body was on. By the time we sort of wrapped ourselves around the fact that nothing much could be done, he was gone. And I think the discussion of treatments chemo etc. seems almost vague for a reason, the Dr's. have a hard time delivering a death sentence to their patients that are looking to them with such desperation and hope.It really is a sad situation, and I find reading some of the questions on this forum so sad as well, they remind me of our family when we focused on the symptoms, well the symptoms are are natural progression of the cancer, this idea that we can make the death so comfortable and painless etc, I certainly bought into that but the reality for our family was a little different. Now I'm the one bringing everyone down, but it's hard sometimes to put a positive spin on such senseless death. I hope you have a good day missumom, I hope all of us can find some peace eventually in something that seems so senseless.

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