so mixed up.......

first born · New User Joined: 15 May 2007 Posts: 2

Hi all ,
first i never even thought that their was a cancer forum never mind me registering to post on one!

My mum (72) has cancer, she had a hysterectomy over 2 years ago because of a growth. now she has stomach cancer and has been informed that they will give Chemo but not operate, as it is in-operable. Is that worse than "normal" or just a different type?
Obviously this is a massive blow to me, my father and brother ( i have not spoken to him about it yet) all but it`s difficult to deal with for me because of several other things, my mum and dad have always thought of my younger brother as the better son. My wife pointed it out to me before we were engaged he is treated far better than me in many ways. (this has and does cause problems with me dealing with my own children, i am very lenient (sp) with my eldest son and not lenient (sp) with my younger son and daughter).
Partly because of this and also because the children these days do not want to go and therefore will not go! my wife, eldest son and my younger daughter will not go and visit my parents except at Christmas time.
My dad and mum told me the news 3 days ago, and asked that i don`t tell anyone at all, this is to me very difficult, i know what my wife will say, whilst it will not be nasty it will be a little questioning (are you sure? and is it that serious? etc)
My sons and daughter will be upset, partly guilt etc.
I am totally lost, i have always been second to my brother, he gets lots of help, both financial and practical, diy, shopping, cash etc
I do love my parents but my wife resents them.
It is now time to put all of that behind us because if we don`t we will always regret it.
I really need to tell my wife and children about my mum`s disease because this is taking a lot of dealing with, if my mum dies in 2 years time or whatever i can`t just put my black suit on go to the funeral telling my wife....i`ll be back in a couple of hours can i? but how can i tell my mum and dad that i`m not going to do what thay want? I know they meant it,
she does not want the hypocrisy. My mum even said that she wants the mimimum of people, just her close family at her funeral....if there is one.
Does she know how my wife feels ?
I feel so mixed up, deeply unhappy that my mum has cancer again and unhappy too that i have to keep it from my family, or tell them and keep it from my mum.
I feel very tearfull and i feel diecietful, almost like a fake because i seem to be feeling sorry for me.
Does this make ant sense at all?
spelling, ?? hu.....

brainman · Posted: Wed May 16, 2007 2:25 am Post subject: Re: so mixed up.......

Hi first born,
You are in a difficult position! However, in my personal opinion, you need to tell your parents that you cannot keep this secret from your own family... certainly not from your wife. I have no way of predicting how they will respond to you. You might be surprised! However, if you are clear with them that you cannot and will not keep secrets from your own wife, that tells them a lot about your own maturity and self-awareness. My youngest brother was the favorite in my family also. However, I, the middle child, became there primary care giver when then became ill with cancer. They never asked my to keep any secrets from my own family so I did not face the issues you are facing. You have to look after the needs of your family first and then the needs of your parents. At the same time, you do not want to violate the confidentiality and wishes of your mother. So just be clear with your mother that this is not a secret you can keep from your own wife (and children). Tell your mother that your wife does not need to come to the funeral but that not telling your wife is destructive on your marriage and the sooner or later she will find out. That is just my humble opinion.

I am truly sorry about your mother. Is this a second cancer or a metastasis for the uterine cancer she had 2 years ago? There are many reasons why a cancer would be inoperative... metastatic cancer is one of the primary reasons. Chemotherapy will kill cancer cells throughout the body were surgery will only remove the local growth. So it sounds to me like your mother's medical team believe this to be a metastatic recurrence. I know that it may be difficult for you to obtain details from your mother. She may not even know. However, considering how rare two primaries are, I am almost sure that this is a metastatic recurrence of her original cancer. Again, you need to be firm with your parents, not because you are the first born but because you are there adult child and have the right to ask questions if they want you to be of any help to them. I always thought it felt strange to have to be the care giver to my parents. After all, I had spend x number of years thinking of them as MY care givers!

Bottom line, their request of you is, IMHO, unreasonable, unfair, and one to which you should not agree.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

first born · New User Joined: 15 May 2007 Posts: 2

Hi,
thanks for your support!
I am going to tell my parents tomorrow that i`m finding it very difficult keeping it from my wife, she keeps asking me "whats wrong"
and my children have commented on how quiet i am, this is partly true, my wife has commented......
thanks again

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