3 years on

kizzcee007 · Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 11:03 am Post subject: 3 years on

I lost my son Ashley to CML when he was 14. It will be 3 years on 6th July. I have 2 daughters and a grandson. I also have 3 nephews. One has just celebrated his 14th birthday and I can't believe the mixed emotions I feel. I love him to bits which makes my feelings even more horrid to bear. Why was my son hooked up to a ventilator with tubes coming out of everywhere on his 14th birthday when he should've been out enjoying his special day? Why was I asked to make one of the most awful decisions - to withdraw life support - a week later? Why was I burying my angel when he should've been out playing with his friends?

I dont know why all these feelings have appeared now, I thought I was doing so well.

jfkbluecircle · Posted: Sun Apr 08, 2007 1:13 pm Post subject: Re: 3 years on

Hi, kizzcee007:
I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are experiencing. Grief has no timetable. I think it is only normal for you to remember your son on the day a nephew turned 14. I have a very dear friend who has a rare type of cancer (I also had stage IIIB HL almost 10 years ago) and during a recent visit she expressed her anger at how the lives of her friends and family just 'go on' while she feels that in some ways her life has stood still, the cancer the obstacle. Please, be gentle with yourself and know that you have endured despite the suffering of seeing Ashley suffer and the excruciating decision you had to make. I wish my words could be of some comfort to you.

Do you have access to any kind of counseling? Sometimes it is very helpful to have an objective audience hear emotions and as a help in finding some sense of perspective when life seems irrational.

I am glad you found this forum; it is populated with a community of compassionate, wonderful, and thoughtful people from all walks of life. I hope others reach out to you as you have reached out by posting here.

Wishing you peace during your days,
Jessica

kizzcee007 · Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2007 5:55 am Post subject: Re: 3 years on

Thank you Jessica.

Today's the 19th June 2007...a week til Ashley's 17th birthday. I should be organising cards, presents and maybe a party but instead I'm wondering if I have the strength to visit the cemetary. I have been a few times but it's hard. I hate to think of him under that mound of earth. I dont want him to be there! I want to scream at the soil.I want to be there with him...oh I dont know what I want. I know my girls and family think I'm coping with it but the plain and simple truth is that Im not. Everyday hurts more and more...everyday I feel Im lost. I loved him so much and its just such a cruel world to take my darling boy away from me. I want the hurting to end

fatherson · Regular Joined: 05 Jan 2007 Posts: 29 Location: Nottingham

I dont know what to say, apart from sorry. I lost my dad only last christmas and i often feel the same way. It must be difficult to lose a child. I get fed up of people saying stay strong...so i wont say that to you. All i can say is that my thoughts are with you.xx
please keep us posted and try to stay safe.
andyxx.
_________________
Time is a virtue, spend it wisely.

brainman · Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 3:16 am Post subject: Re: 3 years on

Kizzcee007, it gets easier with time, but not by much. I a week I should be celebrating my daughter's 27th birthday but she died at birth... totally different from your loss I am sure, but I still feel the pain. Every year I celebrate her birthday by getting a birthday card for her and pouring my hopes and wishes for her into the card. I imagine that she would be married with children by now. I get so angry that I scream at God some times. "WHY?" But God does not answer me. I don't think there is anything that God or anyone else could say to me or to you to talk the pain away.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

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