Watching my mum die

Violet · New User Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 3

Hi,

I held my mums hand and watched her die last Sunday (20/09/2007). She had breast cancer 5 years ago which came back secondary into her liver and eventually her spleen. She was 64 years old.

I am having a difficult time accepting her death, although at the time of prognosis were told they could not cure it but try and shrink and manage it. This resulted in her having 18 months of chemo in 6 months. In the end it did nothing. I am angry that her last 6 months were full of pain and suffering and had terrible side effects from the chemo. She had no quality of life.

I was with her, holding her hand when she died and although I feel privileged to share such a special part of the human life cycle, it was the most horrific thing I have ever experienced.

Being there and watching her gasp for breath, watching the physical changes to her body, listening to the sounds her body made as she came closer to death all have impacted on me significantly and I am struggling to process everything I heard, smelt, felt and saw.

When my mum took her last breath she squeezed my hand and my dad's very hard. I am confused as to wether this was her way of saying goodbye or if it was just her muscles reflexing as she passed away. My husband thinks I should make of it what I feel and believe in that.

I cannot believe she is gone and keep hearing her voice and seeing snippets of her when we were together. I am so sad to know she will never get to met my children, nor have the chance to be a grandmother.

Just before she passed away I saw shadows move across the hospital room. I do not know what to make of this. Was I witnessing something or was it the fact I had no sleep for the last 48 hours?

I have been raised a catholic and have a very open mind to all things spiritual but find myself questioning what is there after death?

Can anyone help?

brainman · Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 1:17 am Post subject: Re: Watching my mum die

Hi Violet, I sooo feel your grief because I was there holding my mother's hand when she died almost 9 years ago (27 September 1998). I too have mixed feeling about that time. On one hand, I am glad that I was there. On the other, I wish with all my heart that none of us had to experience grief and loss. I live in the house were my parents once lived. Just this week I found some oatmeal that was very, very old. My mother probably bought it. Her presence is still hear. I work on restoring her old scrapbooks, use her kitchen, use her washer and dryer, and hear her laughter.

I am a spiritual man myself. Although not a Roman Catholic, I am catholic in my attitude toward others. I know that a lot of people find comfort in believing in life after death. To some degree, that is a comfort. However, I still question. I wish I had an answer to our unanswerable question. I get most comfort in seeing and feeling the presence of my parents with me through my children and the reminders that surround me.

May light shine on you and your family during this dark time.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

In · Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 2:54 am Post subject: Re: Watching my mum die

Dear Violet,

I'm so deeply sorry for the lost of your mother. They is no words to make you feel better, or make things any clearer . But i am thinking of your dad and you. I'm glad you were there to say goodbye. I'm sure you are tossed up weither that was a blessing or not.

I think you were so lucky to be there. So many of us wait and wait and miss that last hand tighting, that last look, that last breath. Even though it may not feel that way right now. I hope you will see that, eventually.

Remember those good times, the smiles, the laughter. Share those thoughts with your dad, and keep her alive in both him and yourself. And then one day- your children.

I don't know if any of this helped. But I am sorry for your loss.

Thinking of you Inica.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica

*Administrator*

~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~

My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731

Smile

9 Lives and still kicking Smile

Violet · New User Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 3

Thanks Jim and Incia for your insight and words of support and encouragement.

I know I am dealing with a lot of heavy stuff to try and get my head around. I know deep down that at time goes by I will be able to accept and understand things more and be more at peace with everything I did and saw, I just don’t know when that will be, and, I realise there can be no magical time frame put on grieving and accepting life without my mum.

I feel the added burden (for want of a better word) with my dad has made me and my husband take on more emotionally than usual. You see we have had a crap 18 months. My dad had a severe stroke last year which put him in a coma and we were not sure for 6 weeks if he would live or die. Then, when he came home just before Christmas it was all about rehabilitation, OT’s, Physios, hydro pool and this and that to teach him to learn how to walk, which he is still learning. He was paralysed down his left side.

Dad came home just before Christmas and my mum was going down hill loosing weight and very tired and then she was diagnosed with secondary cancer in Feb. The poor things were only home for a few months trying to get some normalcy back in their lives when mum went in for aggressive chemo and dad put into respite care as he is high care. You know the outcome of mum.

It’s like I lost my dad last year as he is not the same and his personality and general attitude etc has changed from the stroke and now my mum has died. I have lost her too.

I do realise that things will get better in time and I do take comfort in this. I just never realised how hard it would be. I have taken time off work to not only support my dad but to have some time to myself.

Does the feeling of shock and disbelief of realising that a loved one has passed away ever leave you? I walk around in a daze trying to comprehend that she is gone, even though I knew for 6 months it was coming.

Thanks again for your support.

Vi

brainman · Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 10:08 pm Post subject: Re: Watching my mum die

Violet, the shock does go away, but the sadness is something that will come and go for the rest of you life. Right now you are pretty much in a dark valley. But gradually more and more of the darkness will be replaced by light (happy memories in most cases). It has been almost 9 years and I still have times of sadness.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

Scarlett · Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:40 pm Post subject: Re: Watching my mum die

Dear Violet,
I too was holding my mothers hand as she passed away. I didn't experience anything when it happened but there are several times in my life where I have known that she has sent me signs. I am not religious at all but I do believe that our love ones are there to guide us, even from beyond. I wish you the best.
_________________
Scarlett

Violet · New User Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 3

Thank you Scarlett,

Not only myself but others have experienced incidents that can be only described as surreal and coincidental since my mum passed away.

We have spoken to a number of family members and close friends all who were awake or woke up with a start at 4pm when my mum passed.

There have been a few other things that do lead me to believe she is letting us know she is looking over us and is ok. This still does not make it any easier to understand or move on.

After all these experiences I cannot not support the concept that there is something beyond death and that we don't just die. We are pure energy and any scientist will tell you that energy cannot be destroyed. My question is where does this energy (us, our soul?) go to?

I feel comforted in this belief and although have a long road to travel to come to terms with life without my mum, am reassured with this hope.

Vi

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