A friend in need of some advice

Friend2006 · New User Joined: 06 Jan 2006 Posts: 1

Hey all,

Over the holidays my fiend confided in me that he is dying of brain cancer. He is 27 years of age. Obviously this took me by surprise. After the initial shock I questioned him as to how long he has know and what treatments he was taking. He gave me a vague answer for time line and told me he has no desire to seek treatment. That initial conversation he told me that he has suicidal thoughts but can’t bring him self to do it. As well he told I and another mutual friend are the only two that know. He refuses to tell anyone not even his parents. Basically this is what I have found out form two conversations with him about it and one with our mutual friend.

• From what I gather he has seen a doctor twice. Once to ask about the lump in his head and the other when the doctor told him he had cancer. As soon as the doctor told him that he has cancer and it’s very unlikely he will live he ran out of the office before the doctor can refer him to a cancer specialist etc.
• Refuses to see a Doctor or get fully diagnosed. He doesn’t like hospitals.
• Refuses to get treatment or even try to beat the cancer.
• I’m guessing that he has had the cancer for over 6 months
• He has told me that the cancer has speared to other areas.
• Mutual friend told me that he has Testicular Cancer as well
• Refuses to tell anyone else not even his parents or siblings. Afraid what it will do to his parents especially his Dad who has health problems.
• My friend does not have a close relationship with any of his immediate family, although he still lives with his parents which he ignores complete. Even prior to the cancer.
• Refuses to seek a support group to help him deal with living with cancer.
• Has cut himself off form our large circle of friends.
• Very suicidal, has told me that he can’t bring himself to do it for fear that he will only injure himself and not kill himself. Also he finds it hard to kill himself.
• Told him that he should talk to other cancer patients and hear their stories to better cope with. He then proceeded to tell me some patient stories that have committed suicide.
• He wants to die and the sooner the better he feels.
• His daily routine is to work come home and sleep if he can or sit in his bedroom and be depressed I guess.
• He is having trouble sleeping and basically stays awake all hours of the night till he is completely exhausted then sleeps for maybe 2-3 hrs.
• He is in pain and tells me he feels weak.
• From talking with him he has no control in his life, no hope nothing completely empty. Pure anguish and torment.
• He is in complete agony in not knowing what is happening to him as in what are the stages to dieing with cancer are. Fears he will become a “vegetable” and asked me to kill him if he did.

I don’t know why I’m writing this but maybe someone can give me some advice. He is completely adamant about not going to the doctor or seeking any help. What can I do, it is so hard to hear him on the phone, hearing him sound so empty of any hope or will to live, nothing. He wants to die.

leo · Site Admin Joined: 23 Sep 2004 Posts: 1574

Hello

Number one is his safety. If he is suicidal, I guess you should let people know. Anyway, from what you said, if he has metastatic testicular cancer, there is very good treatment for that. Actually there is a good chance for cure. Let him know about that. Try to get him to at least talk to a doctor who can then tell him what he needs to know so he can make decisions regarding treatment.

best regards,
Dr Leo
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MarkS

I'm sure your friend doesn't realize the terrible position he's putting you in. He's just not thinking of anything outside of himself right now and that's certainly understandable under the circumstances. He's likely in shock and trying to deal with it the only way he knows how. At least he's talking to you and that's good - he hasn't shut himself off completely.
I can appreciate how hard this must be for you. What do you do?
I think Dr. Leo is right . If you believe he is serious about suicide then you should tell someone (his doctor, priest or minister if he has one) even if it makes him angry at you. Just try to buy him some time to get over the shock and start thinking with some rationality.
You're obviously a very good friend. He's fortunate to have you there for him. Lesser people would run in the other direction.

Stay in touch, I care,
Mark
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When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

brainman · Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:00 pm Post subject: Survival and Change

First, listen to Dr. Leo and make sure your friend is safe.

Second, if he has a lump on the head, it may be cancer but not brain cancer, right Dr. Leo? So it has to be a met from the testicular cancer. PEOPLE SURVIVE TESTICULAR CANCER IF THEY GET TREATMENT!! Sorry for the all caps. I was shouting that because that is what your friend needs to hear. Sad

Is your friends life ever going to be the same as it was before? No one's life is the same after cancer. For that matter, no one's life is the same from one day to the next. But the big CA (cancer) has a way of REALLY making us aware of how fast life can change. The thing your friend needs to know (and you will have to repeat it often) is not you are still his friends, that you still care for him, and that you are there for him.
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Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
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