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Thread: My wife, 44, the mother of my 11 year-old son, is dying

  1. #51
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    Hi everybody, OP here. Just an update. Some things are going well, some not. I know this may sound sudden, but I was feeling very lonely and accepted an invitation to go to a concert with a friend of a friend. A female friend. We kind of hit it off and are close friends now. I have to admit that I enjoy life a little now -- I have places to go, somebody to go with, and I've noticed that I don't turn to alcohol any more, and some nights I can get to sleep without Ambien (well, only two nights, but still).

    I still miss Kim terribly every single day, and I feel guilty that occasionally I have a really nice time with a woman, and afterward I just feel good. The feeling good leads to the guilty feelings. I don't know what to do, because I have to admit I have really enjoyed enjoying life for a change, but I really love my late wife.

    So that's an interesting dilemma. More straightforward, things are going ok for my son, 11. He's adapting very well to our new life together. He talks about missing his mom, and I am able to talk to him about missing her, but it is all very "healthy" and we are, well, grieving properly, I suppose. Honestly, things are going just about as well as they could, given the circumstances.

    If any of you out there feel like it's ok for me to try to love life again, please let me know, because the days in which I experience joy usually become the days of greatest sorrow, and I need to know if I'm doing this wrong. Thanks for all your support, and if Kim were out there somewhere, I'd just like to say, Kim, I miss you so much.

    JCA

  2. #52
    Top User april51's Avatar
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    I think it's the perfect scenaro. You enjoyed your time with her and still miss her. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be happy. She would have wanted it. I'm sure. a
    May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favour. Born 1960. Diagnosed 4/2011 with one tumor, LUL, NSCLC. Tumor size 1.1 inches. Thoracic surgery 6/1/2011. No action taken. Eight weeks of radiation and chemo. Carbo and Taxol. Follow up with four rounds of Carbo and Alimta.
    December 2011 CT scan shows all clear.
    April 2012 CT scan shows all clear. July 2012 had several x-rays taken at the chiropractor for shoulder pain. Took them to the onc and nothing suspicious noted. See them again in Oct.
    October didn't work out. Pain in the left shoulder continued to worsen and lymph nodes in the supraclavical swelled so I called the onc and they bumped the regular scan up to September 19 and we went for the results on the 24th. The tumor is back and the spread is extensive. Option 1: Try targeting chemos that may work and then on to clinical trials. These would give me about a year or so if the cancer responds. Option 2: Do no treatment and let nature take its course. This will give me six months give or take. As good as I feel right now, Iím going for door #2 and will continue to live well and enjoy myself until I donít. Iíll keep you posted. Live it up everyone!

    7 months into hospice and palliative care. It has been a very good relationship with the organization as a whole with a minor glitch. April 2013 spent the night at hospice facility, PICC line inserted for morphine drip. I said I wouldnít but, had a hospital bed delivered. Started 10 rounds of palliative radiation to shrink the neck tumor. Busy month for me!

    I've taken a couple of nasty falls this last week. (first of & mid-May) Right on the cancer shoulder. So I have a life alert necklace on me now. I wish I could get my hands on a small scooter!

    There is another node swelling on the other side of my neck. Still small.

    April51's (Jody) daughter posted that her Mother's journey in this world had ended on July 8th 2013.You touched so very many lives. Soar high Jody!

  3. #53
    Administrator Top User Didee's Avatar
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    I smiled for you when I read this latest post of yours. You are not in any way doing the wrong thing. We have seen just how very much you love and miss your wife.
    She, however is gone (many hugs to you and your son) and you both have to keep on living and have to both find your ways of doing that.
    I can not presume to speak for her as I did not know her but I did have a talk with my hubby at the beginning of my treatment for my very aggressive cancer which has a poor outcome.

    We discussed it once and that was it.
    I told him if I died I know how much he loved me. Yes I know he would grieve but I did not want him to feel unfaithful if and when he became interested in someone else. I told him that it would be a great compliment to me if, when he was ready that he dated and hopefully another marriage would follow. I felt that if he did want to marry again (yes I know you are nowhere near this and just enjoying outings) that it meant that the marriage experience (21 years) with me was a positive one as he wanted to do it again some time.

    He got a tad angry with me but I told him I wanted him to KNOW if that ever happened so he would not feel guilty.
    A few days later he told me thank you. Poor bugger is still stuck with me.

    Many hugs to you.
    Aussie, age 59
    1987 CIN 111. Cervix lasered, no further problems.

    Years of pain, bleeding, women's plumbing problems. TV ultrasound, tests, eventual hysterectomy 2007, fibroids in lining of Uterus.

    Dx Peripheral T Cell Lymphoma stage 2B bulky, aggressive Dec/09.
    6 chop14 and Neulasta.
    Clean PET April/10, 18 rads 36gy mop up. All done May 2010
    Iffy scan Nov. 2011. Scan Feb 2012 .still in remission.Still NED Nov 2012.
    Discharged Nov 2014.

    May/2012. U/sound, thyroid scan, FNB. Benign adenoma.

    Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.

  4. #54
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    Yeah, Kim and I had a two discussions about this before she died. She said the same thing, that she wanted me to go on, and to live life, not spend my life holding a candle, and that she knew I loved her. I told her that if I hadn't had a son I would have done the ancient Roman thing and gone with her, and at the time I could not imagine NOT holding the candle forever. Now I'm starting to see that, even though I have an interest in another person, it doesn't mean that I wouldn't have Kim back, or even that I miss her any less. The hard, hard thing to comprehend is that, when someone is gone, they're really gone.

    I wish you and your husband all the best, and I know you'll cherish every day you have, in a way that couples living mundane lives can't imagine. Good luck, and thanks. --JCA

    Quote Originally Posted by Didee View Post
    I smiled for you when I read this latest post of yours. You are not in any way doing the wrong thing. We have seen just how very much you love and miss your wife.
    She, however is gone (many hugs to you and your son) and you both have to keep on living and have to both find your ways of doing that.
    I can not presume to speak for her as I did not know her but I did have a talk with my hubby at the beginning of my treatment for my very aggressive cancer which has a poor outcome.

    We discussed it once and that was it.
    I told him if I died I know how much he loved me. Yes I know he would grieve but I did not want him to feel unfaithful if and when he became interested in someone else. I told him that it would be a great compliment to me if, when he was ready that he dated and hopefully another marriage would follow. I felt that if he did want to marry again (yes I know you are nowhere near this and just enjoying outings) that it meant that the marriage experience (21 years) with me was a positive one as he wanted to do it again some time.

    He got a tad angry with me but I told him I wanted him to KNOW if that ever happened so he would not feel guilty.
    A few days later he told me thank you. Poor bugger is still stuck with me.

    Many hugs to you.

  5. #55
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    OP here. One problem I have with meeting new people, or really having ANY discussion about life, is that I can't keep quiet about what's happened to me. I want to say: if you want to get to know me, first thing to get your head around is 1) my wife died, 2) I am utterly crushed by it 3) not a minute goes by that I don't want her back, and 4) I need to talk about it ALL THE TIME. I just want to sit with a sympathetic ear and tell them my entire relationship story, starting with the first date, until the moment I scattered Kim's ashes under our favorite oak tree.

  6. #56
    Super Moderator Top User sheila's Avatar
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    Mr_Bubb- Im glad the adjustment is happening for the both of you. Some people would never think of ever being with anyone eles-on the other hand some people need someone eles.-not that you will ever forget thaat part of your life nor her. but as mojo would say-" and life goes on"- If it was the other way around Im sure you would want her to be happy and not morn the rest of her life away and to have someone help raise your son or to give some support to both of you? I personally dont see a thing wrong with what you are doing be it friendship aqaintence or more.
    And time- is different for each individual some people cant stand being alone and other prefer to be left alone the rest of their lives.
    You need to do what is best for you and your son. continued healing prayers to you both.
    MOMS Journey
    April06- Emergencysurgery,exploratory,10units blood,largetumor and 10inches of colon removed,temp.colostomy.diagnosed stage IV colon.
    oxyplatin,5fu
    Oct06-radiation,surgery,several lymphs,cervix,1 ovary,fallopian,40% remaining colon,large tumor to adipose tissue,appendix,gallbladder removed.permant colostomy/iliostomy
    oxyplatin,transfusion.
    April 07-xeloda-overdose
    surgery-1/3liver,partial diaphra, removed clipped and questionable spots oblated.
    port-port rejection-port removed 1week.
    picc line,5fu,oxyplatin,camptosar.
    Oct-08-surgery-remaining ovary engulfed in tumor,partial bone scrape.
    transfusion central line TPN 1 month.
    oct-09-surgery tumor ,colon and jejuneum removed.
    xeloda reduced. severe dehydration,heart attack.
    april10-remission-avistan
    oct-10-erbitux,camptosar
    Jan-11-5fu
    mar-11 return to original site-oxyplatin,5fu
    Aug-11-erbitux,camptosar.
    dec-28-blood transfusion
    dec-30-back to chemo erbitux camtosar
    Jan-16 injections neulasta and aranesp
    feb16-transfusion
    feb 21-Tumor found stomach,liver, and liver "hot spots" inflamed lymph in rt ureter in kidney causing obstruction-surgery schedualed Mar 16.
    march 16/12-no more kidney obstruction not lymph ...dehydration is causing blockage, two litters blood for anemia, stomach liver tumor small-med,abalation, 1 hidden tumor deep in muscle mass on side flank(hid from scans) -gone!
    june/15/12-blood transfusion
    starting a regimine of celebrex
    aug/16/12-blood transfusion
    aug/30-12 discontinued celebrex -failure one kidney. needed to see urologist
    sept/10-12-good urologist report one kidney functioning well for now.
    oct/23/12-chemo pill Stivarga(regorafenib)
    Nov/22/12-blood transfusion
    dec/18/12-blood transfusion chemo pill dosage cut back to 1 pill.
    Feb/21/13 neulasta injection
    Feb/22/13-blood transfusion. still taking stivarga.
    mar/20/13-arenespt injection rehydration and magnesium IV
    mar/21/13-acute renal failure-kidney infection
    april/1/13.-recovery from 4 day coma infection cleared/4 units blood/ off stivarga/starting rehab therapy,
    swollen hand no apparent reason black spots in vision off and on. both cleared up.
    may/22/13-home oxycodone for pain shoulder neck arm
    june/1/13 pain subsided off oxy onto aleve
    june/09/13-pain back off aleve on vicodin
    june 10/13-cancer in back/neck- starting radiation for arm neck and shoulder pain.
    june24/13-last day of radiation-on steroids
    july1/13-swollen legs and feet-lasix off steroids still on vicodin and xanax
    july 23/13 vicodin cut in half blood transfusion.
    sept/6/13-off all pain meds since late aug
    scan results fracture in spine mid back
    sept/12/13-spine healing on its own,weaning off steroids, no visible tumors.
    nov/7/13-edema both legs and one arm on lasix since oct.
    nov/21/13- leg edema subsiding still alot in one arm- she is talking but keeps her eyes closed. achy but no major pain. nurse and aide to visit once a week schedualed. having trouble standing.
    nov/24/13-sadly but peacefully moms cancer journey is at an end, she will start her new spiritual journey together hand in hand with dad.

  7. #57
    Top User april51's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mr_bubb View Post
    OP here. One problem I have with meeting new people, or really having ANY discussion about life, is that I can't keep quiet about what's happened to me. I want to say: if you want to get to know me, first thing to get your head around is 1) my wife died, 2) I am utterly crushed by it 3) not a minute goes by that I don't want her back, and 4) I need to talk about it ALL THE TIME. I just want to sit with a sympathetic ear and tell them my entire relationship story, starting with the first date, until the moment I scattered Kim's ashes under our favorite oak tree.
    If I were in your shoes I would want the same thing, to leave a message. I've had many more good times in this world than bad. I have enjoyed and lived with gusto. I've had, and still have, fun on a daily basis. I hope I go out laughing when the time comes.

    When we go about our lives and nothing is wrong, the only person who knows what is going on in your mind is your partner. Now she is gone. You have inspired me to start writing my history with my husband. It is something I know our kids will appreciate someday. They can share it with our grandchildren. I want my kids to know why I loved their dad even though I divorced him. They know but I want them to know why we united and tried so hard.

    That you want to talk about it is normal. If the people you share it with can't handle it, they don't belong with you right now. You are doing really well. a
    May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favour. Born 1960. Diagnosed 4/2011 with one tumor, LUL, NSCLC. Tumor size 1.1 inches. Thoracic surgery 6/1/2011. No action taken. Eight weeks of radiation and chemo. Carbo and Taxol. Follow up with four rounds of Carbo and Alimta.
    December 2011 CT scan shows all clear.
    April 2012 CT scan shows all clear. July 2012 had several x-rays taken at the chiropractor for shoulder pain. Took them to the onc and nothing suspicious noted. See them again in Oct.
    October didn't work out. Pain in the left shoulder continued to worsen and lymph nodes in the supraclavical swelled so I called the onc and they bumped the regular scan up to September 19 and we went for the results on the 24th. The tumor is back and the spread is extensive. Option 1: Try targeting chemos that may work and then on to clinical trials. These would give me about a year or so if the cancer responds. Option 2: Do no treatment and let nature take its course. This will give me six months give or take. As good as I feel right now, Iím going for door #2 and will continue to live well and enjoy myself until I donít. Iíll keep you posted. Live it up everyone!

    7 months into hospice and palliative care. It has been a very good relationship with the organization as a whole with a minor glitch. April 2013 spent the night at hospice facility, PICC line inserted for morphine drip. I said I wouldnít but, had a hospital bed delivered. Started 10 rounds of palliative radiation to shrink the neck tumor. Busy month for me!

    I've taken a couple of nasty falls this last week. (first of & mid-May) Right on the cancer shoulder. So I have a life alert necklace on me now. I wish I could get my hands on a small scooter!

    There is another node swelling on the other side of my neck. Still small.

    April51's (Jody) daughter posted that her Mother's journey in this world had ended on July 8th 2013.You touched so very many lives. Soar high Jody!

  8. #58
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    Thanks, everybody for your support. I went for a weekend trip to New York City, and I had a lot of fun, but I ran into somebody today who knew my story and wanted to talk about her father, who died of bone cancer at 50. So, some similarities. It just woke in me those feelings, that somehow the world is "wrong" because life continued after my wife died. How can that be? How is it that we all go on, but she had to be left behind, never to know birthdays, or Christmas, or her son graduating from school or getting married? Part of me just wants to freeze time in that hospice room, no forward, no back. It is all just so sad, that she was cheated of experiences which I am having. I hope she can forgive me. Tough day today.

  9. #59
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    I am new to this site and I just read this thread from beginning to end. I'm utterly shattered by it. To hear the side of the loving husband is to look into my own relationship and see how lucky we are. I am so sorry for your loss doesn't see to grasp how I feel for ou. But I can garuntee you that if Kim "saw" you, she would want you to continue on with life and to be happy and if that involves another woman and another life, I think she would applaud it. True love is about wanting what's best for the other person. She obviously was a genuine loving person who loved you. I understand how you feel about disclosing your life story though. I feel the need to tell new people about my cancer all the time. I mean after all how could this huge life changing disease not define me as a person? How could another person not need to talk about its every aspect upon meeting me? But what I have realized is that cancer isn't who I am. And cancer isn't who Kim was. But it made our lives richer for the fact that it did help us to differentiate what's important and what simply is not. I don't care if my neighbors hear me belting out "if today was your last day" at the top of my lungs, and I don't care if someone sees my thong when I pump gas, I care that I have a website that has provided me with so many outlooks from so may aspects and I truly couldn't appreciate the people in my life as much as I do after this site. Thank you! Thank you for your utter honesty and for showing all of us that true love still exists and that is something that even cancer can't take away! God bless you!

  10. #60
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    Hi All, nothing for me to ask, or for you to reply to, this time. I just need to say, out load as it were, how much I'm missing Kim. I still can't believe that she's gone, I can't believe I'm supposed to live the rest of my life without her, to raise our son without her advice and assistance. That fact -- that Kim is gone, not here, that her car stopped while our cars kept going forward, just seems like this huge mountain: I can't comprehend the size of it, can't see over it or around it, and contemplating having to go over it or around it just blows my mind, just exhausts me. I sound like a cliche, but I. Can't. Believe. She's. Gone. I feel so sorry for her, and I feel like I can't get through this. Thanks for listening.

 

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