Jokes 2.

[In]

Bit rude but funny....

Champagne

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and
ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a
glass of champagne, too!'


'What a coincidence,' the farmer said. 'This is a special day
for me. I am celebrating.'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said
the woman.

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses
he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and
for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying
fertilised eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become
fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

[Jean222]

LOL, thanks for posting *that* one!

I might just borrow it!


Jean

[Jean222]

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
.
.
If swimming is so good for our figures, how do you explain whales?


Jean

[brainman]

Two blonds walking along a river, one on each side.

Blond 1: "How to I get to the other side of the river?"
Blond 2: "Silly, you are on the other side!"

[brainman]

Before the invention of the golf ball, how did we measure hailstones?

======


Vacuum salesman: Maam, this vaccum cleaner will cut your work in half.
Woman: Great, I'll talk two.


=====

Q. You know why in a can of beens there are only 239 beens?
A. Because if there was one more, it would be too farty

====

Q. Why do golfs wear two pants?
A. Just in case they get a hole in one.

====

Q. You know why cannibals don't eat divorced women?
A. Because they are bitter.

====

Q. You know what you call a lawyer who's gone bad?
A. Senator

[brainman]

If you ever wondered which one loved you the most, your wife or your dog, here is a simple test.

Lock both of them in the trunk of your car, drive around for a while then open the trunk. Which one is glad to see you?

Women, I guess this would work for husbands as well

[In]

I love this Doctor !



Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q:Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?
HELLO
Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


And remember:


'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'




AND......


For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


5.. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION


Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[In]

Judging Others

An elephant asked a camel, why are your breasts on your back?'


'Well,' said the camel, 'I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.'

[In]

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs/humans around the globe.

It gets worse........

Next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

[In]

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me ass was red,

Me Mudder!

Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee when I could not,

Me Mudder!

And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum,

Me Mudder!

Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart,

Me Mudder!

Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me shit,

Me Mudder!

When at night her bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peek
Who yelled at me to go to sleep,

Me Fadder!!!!!

I hope this keeps ya
giggling all day!

[In]

If you can't see the funny side if this, medical assistance is urgently required......





GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me.
They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do none of those'.

[In]

What's for dinner?

Can't eat pork,
Swine flu...

Can't eat chicken,
Bird flu.

Can't eat Beef,
Mad cow....

Can't eat eggs,
Salmonella.

Can't eat fish,
heavy metal poisons in their waters.

Can't eat fruits and veggies,
insecticides and herbicides.

Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!

M


M I believe that leaves Chocolate and ice cream!!!!!!!!

Remember - - - 'STRESSED'

spelled backwards! is

'DESSERTS'

[brainman]

In, when you come back, you come back with a vengeance

[adrianbirkey]

Hello Everyone,

Here is one from me,

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."