Husband was diagnosed with Stage IV head and neck cancer

[loyalwife]

Can someone help me? My husband was diagnosed with Stage IV head and neck cancer in March, and we've been going through it since then. He is now in the hospital for the duration of his treatment, because he can't eat or drink, he's dehydrated, and he almost died last week because of the side effects, not the treatment. He's miserable. Well, I've been the sole caregiver, and now that he's in the hospital, he seems really angry at me. He is rude, says mean things that hurt, and just general hates everything. I would almost say we've conspired to keep him prisoner in there, because I don't think he knows how bad it was for him, and me. Im getting very angry myself, because I don't know how to respond when he's ugly. Im hurt, tired, scared, and there's no remorse when he says mean things. I feel like when i was taking care of him at home we got along better, and he trusted me. Now I think he thinks Im the enemy. What should I do before I bust a gasket and tell him off? I guess I don't sound very supportive, do I? I just don't understand whats going on anymore.

[mimixtwo]

I so can totally relate to you, in every aspect, my husband was diagnosed in march also, and as of this date, He is getting ready to start his 2nd round of chemo and in his third week of radiation, the first round of chemo put him in the hospital for a week, from his potasium, and sodium getting so low.I to deal with the anger from him because i'm the only one around him all the time, he had a feed tube put in because of not being able to eat or drink, he's in constant pain. The week long hospital stay was the hardest to deal with his anger, everytime he got mad at the nurses it was my fault, but on the other side of it once his electrolites, started evening out again he was different, Its so hard some days to keep your patients, because our husbands, and family members dont understand we are watching the man we love go through this 24/7 and besides our dailey care we give them, there is nothing we can do but watch, there pain and see every change they go through. and when your at the end of your rope some how you get that little boost of strenght. I so know if you want to talk more in detail or you just need someone to cry with feel free to email me we can cry together. your in my thoughts.

[loyalwife]

Thank you so much for your answer. Well, we've been through 25 radiations, with 10 more to go, and 5 chemos with 2 more to go. Since I've posted my first plea for help, he's been sent to the hospital for the duration of his treatment, which has been postponed until the feeding tube is in place. He is suffering tremendously, and is essentially being kept alive by IV fluids. He hasn't had any valuable calories in almost two weeks, and he is very evil. I hope tommorrow the tube is put in, and some nutrients are given to him. Im so thankful someone truly understands where Im coming from, but Im not thankful you are going through it, and I wouldn't wish head and neck cancer on anyone. Thank you again. I've saved your other message and will be very happy to reply once my husband is settled---my prayers and best wishes, and hopes, are with you----

[ksplat]

Dear Loyalwife

Firstly, sorry to hear about your Husband's cancer diagnosis.

I am so sorry you are the brunt of your Husband's anger & frustration. This is so unfair, in saying this you are the primary caregiver & I remember my dear Mum being in a similar position when she was the carer for my Dad. It is a very difficult position for you & I pray you will remain patient, loving, supportive & be the best medicine for your Husband. Having him in hospital will be a great opportunity for respite for yourself & hopefully give you the chance to recharge your batteries!

Physically, your Husband is not well. With him not eating or drinking & being dehydrated! In all honesty I would say he's not responsible for his actions at the mo. Really you have to try & shrug off the ugliness & hurt. You will also need to lean on someone else. Perhaps there is a counsellor attached to the hospital who you could turn to? You need to offload to another person (professional) who can help you through this period. Ask your Husband's medical team if they can help or recommend someone who can. I'm sure they can see firsthand the nasty & unfair treatment you are copping at the mo?!

I also pray the medical team can get the "kinks" ironed out in his medical care. I'm sure this will be a great relief for your Husband & you.

We are a fantastic community, offering support, comfort & wisdom (probably not me so much???) & you can come here anytime to "rant & rave" & offload your stresses.

My prayers & thoughts are with you.

Cheers, Angie.