I got into an accident today

[se7en]

I left work early today. I got a phone call from my wife. She was in tears.

It was a surprise to me and my siblings when my Mom was diagnosed with
Pancreatic Cancer last month. It has spread to her liver. The doctor at the
clinic said she has 5-6 months to live and there are no treatments that will
help her.

I'm sad.

... but I must be strong.

My wife told me that Moms heart is failing and she's scared.
The Dr. at the hospital says her condition is worse than they thought.
It won't be long.

I'm the youngest of a large family. My oldest brother and sister live far away
and due to my 'strength' I was asked to be the decision maker.

No one knows I was in an accident today. My bikes fine ... a few scratches.
My shoulder, arm and knee hurt. It's painful to shift.
I'll be okay.

I asked Mom about a Will. She doesn't have one.
I asked Mom what she would like to do. She said creamation.
I asked Mom where she would like her ashes to be spread. She said with her parents.

I'm worried about me. When my siblings can't, why is it not difficult for me to
ask these questions? Why, when my siblings cry, I do not cry with them?

I'll be okay Mom. We'll all be okay.

I asked myself last month what can I do? What can I say?
The only things I can say:
Thank you
&
I love you.

I think I'm doing what I can.

[brainman]

Oh se7en, I am so sorry about your mother's condition. You write so lovingly, almost poetically about what has happened that for a moment I thought I was reading I post in the Inspirational Stories forum. I cannot even begin to understand how terribly difficult this is for you.

You and your mother are in my thoughts and prayers.

[In]

I too thought you wrote so lovely towards your mother.

When you no longer need to be strong, you will crumble.
You will fall. You will cry.

Then you'll pick yourself up again and look ahead, with shoulders and head high, for what you have been able to do for your Mother, for what you had to do for your Family. For what you where there for.

You will love her, you will miss her, you will remember her. As she will for your strength and bravery.

Take Care of yourself, and remember we are here, When ever. But especially when you crumble.

X In

[dawnVan]

My mother was diagnosed this past May and give 6 months. Since my brothers live a distance away I have been her primary caretaker and have also had to have these difficult conversations with her and have had to make difficult decisions.

I don't cry very often, I go through the motions and make sure the "tasks" get done. But at times, like tonight, the pain engulfs me and I can't hold back the tears any longer. Noone sees it - I hide it from my family and friends - I cry in private. Not often, and not much. But I know that I am holding it all back because there are things that need to be taken care of and I have to be strong to see it through.

When all is done - then I will cry. You will too - you are task oriented right now because you have to be. It is how we deal with things. Don't be hard on yourself for not crying - you will. In time, when the work is done. When you do - don't hold back - let it come. I have learned the hard way that holding it back only draws it out longer. It is hard for me to let go and cry - but when I do, I feel much better.

My prayers go out to you - may you have strenghth when you need it, and compassion when it's time.

[se7en]

I am very sad to inform that mom has passed away on August 15th.
I was away.
It was a preplanned trip Disneyland.

Before leaving the hotel room that day, I sat with my two young sons and told them that grandma has gone. I told them I lost my mom today. My six year old hugged me and said, "Dad, everything will be okay."

I spent the day with my wife and my boys.
I thought of my mom.
Everything was perfect.

[brainman]

On se7en, I am very sorry to hear that your mother has died. My condolences.

It sounds like you have a very loving and tender son. He must get that from you; you always write so beautifully.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[idobelieveinfairies]

I am sorry for your loss. I am glad you have close family support.

[se7en]

This was a tough weekend.
My wife is back at work.
...She took the summer off

Saturday morning she called
...the boys are eating breakfast
I reach for the phone
...for my coffee
a quick chat
... say 'I love you'
...hang up

I had a routine
... forgotten 'til now.

Phone Mom is what I did
...following the call from my wife

Sit on the patio is what I did
...with the sun
...the coffee
...and my Mom in my life

Talk about the garden is what we did
...the tomatoes
...the herbs
...the sun flowers too

Grape vines for my birthday
...Mom never knew
...dog ate them
Next season, new vines will do

Early Sunday morning
...sons hockey practice over
...driving home
looking towards Moms house
...I want to call you Mom
...like I used to do

the pink sky
...the tall clouds
...and a bit of haze
in the fields of dew

in my mind
It was a somber week

it's Thursday now
...the room is dark
alarm glows green
...two:two three

sheet over my head
...stiffling glare
warm breath bounces back
...knuckles cold in the air

Thoughts everywhere
...flashes
...strobes
chest is heavy

my wife stirs
...the cat purrs
four hours pass
...the radio plays
It's Friday

[grammystish]

((se7en)) you write with such love and heart so beautifully...you remind me so much of me, I am doer also water fall is for later...I stop crying when i start no time for that, change gears when my sister calls crying and when my mom calls crying, mom says she draws her strength from me right now and when she hangs up with me she can call grammy and be more positive. Grammy talks to me about what she wants and what better not happen with her things when she is at peace..she is not having these conversations with her son or daughter but with me..like it we are preparing a list of things to do, a game plan, tasks to be carried out...

I read your writings and I know this will be me one day not so far away, rushing to shower, get dressed and get the coffee on so I call grammy and spend a few hours on the phone on Sunday, our talk day, our time...sunday dinner, what we are having, how she fixes her pot roast, a new receipe she has tried, how is my can of bake wells cream must be running low by now for home made biscuits...

Thank you so much from the heart for your post, no words for how much it meant to me....god bless, warmest wishes

[In]

Se7en.

I'm so sorry about the lost of your brave and beautiful Mother. Your poem says how much you truely love and adore her. I'm sure she is sitting up there, looking down and still going over the things you talk about- she is listening. She is talking straight back at you.

Take Care and kisses to you and your beautiful family.

X In

[se7en]

I search for music
Some I skip
... some I play over and over again
sorrow is within the lyrics
my thoughts of her are happy

I try to dismiss the final days
... keep them far from my mind
...... buried
They creep in
... my stomach turns
...... inside wants to release
distractions are necessary
... family, work, music,

3m comes
I used to leave to go to hospital
... now, I stay
now my distractions get distracted

Thoughts go to mom
images of her are the pictures I hold close
rays of sun
... garden setting

[se7en]

Received word last night, my Aunt (Moms sister) has lung cancer. She, like my mom was, is strong. Mom passed in August and almost simultaneously 3200 miles (5300kms) away my Aunt was admitted into hospital. She went back home and within the last couple days was readmitted.
I've reflected on what I went through with mom therefore I know there is nothing I can do and very little I can say that will help the situation. I called my Uncle this morning and let him know that I am thinking of them and am available to help where I can. Uncle is optimistic that she will be home in a day or so.

[Gillette]

Way more than anything else I have ever had contact with today or any day
se7en- I am so sorry for your loss of your mom, and now news of your aunt having cancer. This is a most horrid thing, this Cancer, and you have my prayers ....
God Bless

[se7en]

I went to bed late last night.
...studying

Knowing I hadn't said it in a while,
I leaned over
...nudged my wife
... told her I love her.
I wonder if she heard me.

Woke up with our son crawling in to snuggle.
...he's always up first
I pulled myself away
... got in the shower
... hung my head
... still tired.
I got dressed for work.

Made myself a cup with the new coffee maker
Turned on the news;
...traffic - congestion
...weather – sunny and cold
...stories – same
...market – looks hopeful

before I left
the news of the day came in a text...
Auntie passed away last night

[brainman]

se7en, I am so sorry about the death of your aunt. She died so soon after her diagnosis!! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[johannabubela]

se7en, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I know what you meant about not crying when everyone else does. I am the only child, and my mother passed away 4 years ago. There is no one else to "do". I will cry for my dad when he's gone...in the meantime, I will do what needs to be done, as you have. Does that make us cold? I don't think so - just some people are mentally equipped to deal with crisis and some are not. I do have my moments, usually in the bathtub, when no one is around and I cry for a few moments, but then I suck it up and get back to work. The work never ends for a caregiver.

You write beautifully...the emotions really show through.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Johanna

[se7en]

I'm traveling tonight
drove 3 hours
it's dark now
and it's lonely in an airport full of people

I'm the only one going
represent for my family
Moms coming with me,
in a small urn.

I asked my siblings.
almost broke at work.

my Aunt couldn't be there for mom
too sick
Mom couldn't be there for her sister
they're spirits are together now.
Soon they'll be together

But now I wait
people sleeping all around.
Taking a flight to somewhere I've never been.
the Sky Chefs load the plane

is this what it's like?

[se7en]

It would've been moms birthday today.
We were going to scatter her ashes,
but my brother had to leave.
We did it on Saturday, on my birthday.
We always shared the party.

Friday all of my sibs were in town.
Made traditional feasts and ate too much.
We had a good time and
we'll do it again tomorrow

Saturday we met at the site of the bench,
Moms memorial bench.
It was raining all morning,
we had umbrella's for all.

Just before we began, an opening in the clouds.
With the sun at our backs,
and a rainbow in the distance,
we could all feel the warmth.
She was with us and I think she was happy.

I was honored to share that day

It's Monday now and memories flash with ritual reminders.
Every year she called me at work
I'd put her on speaker phone for all to hear her sing.
She always got embarassed but she always called.

The phone doesn't ring today.
There's a quiet hum.
My thoughts are heavy

[Gillette]

How much love I feel, even now tempered by the pain, between you, still.
You will always miss your Mom.
And she will always be with you, and you will know and feel her.
As you have already.
I am sorry Mom is gone, but am comforted to know she is at peace:
And you feel and believe that.
God Bless

[se7en]

It is one month from a year and the planning begins.

Emails from distant relatives ..
whats happening?

They push the urgency.
is that why my eye twitch is back?
maybe. Thats okay

plans are made to fulfill Moms wishes.
Scatter some ashes with her father.
travel plans, regulations, rules.

one month from a year
her echo is loud
her face is vibrant