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Thread: My wife passed away from cancer Jan 2009

  1. #1

    My wife passed away from cancer Jan 2009

    My 34 year old wife was battling cancer for over 4 years. However the last two years were the big battle. Surgery removing the cancerous lympth node in her thigh. One year of interferon treatment. Things were looking positive in March 2008. She was done treatment and all routine scans were coming up clear. She went to school and was starting over.

    Then in Nov 2008 things took a turn for the worse. A cat scan showed some trouble spots. A pet scan was order and it showed cancer had spread. Pretty much everywhere. They started with chemo, then more complications occurred. They found it in her brain, blood, bones, skin... just everywhere. They started radiation. This was all around X-mas 2008.

    Then during radiation in early January the Doctor didn't like how her breathing sounded so they ordered tests. She was admitted to the hospital and the tests continued for a few days until they discovered the worst. The cancer had progressed very quickly and was pushing up from underneath her heart and was causing her heart rate to beat around 140bpm. They gave her 2-6 weeks to live. There was nothing they could do.

    After being admitted to the hospital she lasted 3 weeks. She wasn't in pain but she suffered frustration of not being able to get up anymore due to swelling in her legs. She passed away at the end of January 2009 with her parents and I by her side.

    My life with her was the happiest time of my life. Since she passed away I have cried every day. I miss her more than I can express in words. She told me to "use my potential" after she was gone. I want to.. when I'm ready.. I don't know when I'll be ready but I'll try when I can. It's been over a month and it still hurts as much as it did when she passed away. I'm not working and I don't do much.. if I get out of the house to get groceries I consider that an accomplishment.

    Dan

  2. #2
    Administrator Top User pbj11's Avatar
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    Dan,

    My heart goes out to you on the loss of your wife. I'm so sorry. You are so young to have encountered this devastating loss of a spouse already.

    Please don't push the grief. The first month or so you pretty much walk around in a fog. The pain is a constant for a long time. The intense pain does get better over time, but it evolves into other stages of grief. Basically, it's a very long haul and I'm not sure the ache in your heart and soul ever goes away.

    Please know that there are others that understand your pain and grief. It's good to talk about it with those that "get it" because many you encounter will not and can not.

    It sounds like she was a fighter and try to hold onto the good parts of that journey until you can see beyond the cancer to the happier memories of her.

    Feel free to keep posting your feelings. It's not a time to be alone.

    Heck, I see grocery shopping as a huge accomplishment. Other widows/widowers have said that working is good because it keeps your mind busier. Maybe that would help. It's still so very new, so be gentle with yourself. You've looked after your wife, now it's time to look after yourself a bit.

    God bless and hugs,
    PBJ
    Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV in 3/2005. Fought & lived over 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

    Post describing our journey: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.ph...er=asc&start=0

    Left my embrace to live with our Heavenly Father in October of 2007 and now breathes with ease forever. I will miss this gentle, giving soul with the easy smile for the rest of my days, but have faith we will be together again. He's just getting a little break from me!

  3. #3
    thanks,

    I have considered going back to work on a casual basis... I mean, eventually I will have to but I figured I'd start that way just to work my way back into it. I'm lucky I have that option.

    Yes, she was a fighter. Very strong and positive until the end. We had the perfect marriage for us. She was my best friend, lover and wife. I miss her soo much but I will take the necessary time to grieve and not force anything on myself.

    I am seeing a social worker to talk things through as well. That does help quite a bit.

    Dan

  4. #4
    Administrator Top User brainman's Avatar
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    Oh Dan, I am so sorry to hear about the death of your wife . She was indeed very young. It sounds like the two of you had a very special relationship. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this darkness.
    Jim
    Long-term cancer survivor
    1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
    2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendroglioma grade 3, same location.
    http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=2405
    My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=2528
    My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
    My Story Part 3: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029

  5. #5
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    DAN, So so sorry to hear about news of your wife. You have great memories and not many people have that.
    I am from England and I have being coming back and forwards to USA for 6yrs to look after now my wife ( we married last september) In 2002 she was diognised with colon cancer and has being fighting ever since. She also had her bladder taken out last year and it is very hard to see the one you love go through so much suffering. People take life so much for granted and that is so sad. It will take time but know that your wife is still with you and know that also that people care for you.

    May in time you come to embrace life again and though your experience that you mat come to help others.

    WITH PRAYERS AND BEST WISHES

    ROB

  6. #6
    The one thing I can say is now when people complain about there "problems" I can't help but think "you have no idea about real problems". I never actually say this out loud but I always think it. One thing I'll never do again in life is complain about petty problems when life could be so much worse. I have the utmost respect for anyone who has to fight cancer. My wife was so strong it amazes me. She dealt with so much adversity during her 4 and a half year battle with cancer. I gave everything I had to help and I'd do it again. That's love. I'm lucky that I have no regrets from our relationship and marriage. I don't think I could life with myself had I not given her everything I had.

  7. #7
    Administrator Top User pbj11's Avatar
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    Dan,

    Giving all we've got is the best we can do for our loved ones. You're so spot-on that there leaves no regrets when you know that you did this. It's so easy to have regrets even when you do everything, but I think that's just a part of the grief process.

    You DO become more tolerant and stop sweating the small stuff when you go through this journey with your spouse. Little complaints add up to a whole bunch of nothing now. Ha! I have to bite my tongue a lot too, but my brain says the same thing about others as you do. Remember that they haven't walked our walk though and cannot understand how it changes your perceptions of the world around you. We were probably the same way before cancer touched our worlds.

    I hope you are doing well and treating yourself gently.

    Hugs,
    PBJ
    Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV in 3/2005. Fought & lived over 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

    Post describing our journey: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.ph...er=asc&start=0

    Left my embrace to live with our Heavenly Father in October of 2007 and now breathes with ease forever. I will miss this gentle, giving soul with the easy smile for the rest of my days, but have faith we will be together again. He's just getting a little break from me!

 
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