Lost my fiance to AML

[Koblitz]

Hi Everyone,
I recently lost my fiance to AML on November 21st 2008. He was diagnosed a few years ago went through chemo, in remission for roughly 8 months and had a stem cell transplant in Jan 08. He was doing good but he got GVH to his gut and eventually that caught up to him. He was unable to walk, could barely eat and evetually had to have everything else done for him. He was only 27 years old and was the most beautiful, healthy and the funniest person you would know.....I miss him more then anything because he was my bestfriend, my soulmate and soon to be my husband on September 12th 2009. I spent every single moment in the hospital with him, I slept there every night and I went to every procedure with him whether it be a bone marrow biopsy, a scope, a spinal tap or watching him be inserted with a blood catheter.....He had a phobia of blood and needles that was so awful to watch on a daily basis from his bloodwork. I changed his bed pans and I gave him sponge baths when he couldn't move anymore...these things haunt me on a daily basis because I can't bear to think of the pain he went through anymore..

If anyone has some advice for me and how to deal with this loss it would be greatly appreciated. Most days I do not know how I will go on and I have many amazing friends but they do not know what I saw or went through with him on a daily basis so it is hard for them to understand. Thank you for reading : )
-NK

[brainman]

Koblitz, I am very sorry about the death of your fiance. It is hard to lose someone that you love so much... especially a soulmate. Lean on your friends and family for support. It will take a while for you to get to "acceptance". And even then, you will not forget. I also tell people that a good grief support group can be of great value to anyone going through this. If there is not one in your area, look for a cancer support group. While we can and hopefully do help people, there is nothing like a hug from a flesh and blood person .

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[marijke]

Hi Koblitz,

First of all I am really sorry about your loss - I can not put into words how awful it must be to have lost your soulmate.

I lost my brother (19 years) in Jan 2008. He had ALL - a lot of the things you describe in your message I can relate to, as I spent many nights, days with my brother as well when he was going through all of this. Watching everything he went through, the pain he suffered and just how inhumane the whole illness really is.

All I can say, is that now after a year and 2 months - I still really miss him and I still want him back, I still think it is unfair. But what helped me a lot was to talk to people. Not to my friends - as they can not begin to understand everything you have seen and gone through. (accept if they have been in a similar situation.)

But I talked to a 'grieving' therapist - she taught me that it is good to let all of these feelings out. For me the best thing works to write them down (so I can look at them once in a while) and to try to find a balance between grieving and living. But this all takes time. I still need to find this balance and it probably will take a while longer before i find it.

Also I really enjoy talking to people about him, people that knew him very well - so that you can talk about the 'fun' you had, not the horrible times you had. Because that's how I think you're fiancée would like to be remembered, as the handsome, funny guy as you described. Not as the ill, not being able to do anything guy. He loved you that is for sure, you loved him, try to remember the good times, look at old pictures etc. so that grieving isn't just a 'sad' activity, but that you can laugh and feel good about your memories as well>

Above all, it is really important to talk to somebody you feel comfortable with, maybe a therapist or a grieving group or whatever. But you can't handle all these feelings on your own. And sometimes you need to talk to a stranger about it, people that look at the situation from a distance. It sometimes makes it easier to talk about everything as well.

I wish you all the best and a lot of strength for the coming time - it is going to be tough, but you'll get through.

M