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Thread: newbie

  1. #1
    Regular User
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Posts
    15

    newbie

    I just joined today. I have been needing a support group and since I can't get to a physical one right now due to work, etc, I eagerly joined this site.

    My mother passed away from stage IV pc this past Christmas Eve. She was 53 and didn't make it a year. It feels a dream. Like she isn't really gone. I have 2 sisters and we all feel like the world is moving on while we stay in one spot. Last night, I couldn't get my mom's last hours out of my head. I don't want to feel empty and lost all the time. I have 3 kids who I keep a brave face for, but it's overwhelming.
    I miss my mom. I miss her smell, and hands and voice.

    This disease is horrible. No one should have to die like that. It isn't fair.

  2. #2
    Newbie Regular User
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Posts
    18
    Jess, welcome to the forum! Ive been around here for a couple days myself.

    I'm sorry for the loss of your mother on Christmas eve. Just a few months prior I lost a dear friend, and like you, time seems to have frozen. I too recall those last precious moments over and over.. and wonder to myself-- Why/How can so many people move forward so quickly; weeks, or even just days after the funeral.

    Highs, lows, and every feeling between is part of the grief process, and I've had to realize that we all have our own timelines in that process. While back I didn't even want to hear someone utter the words.. "Things will get better". Slowly things are returning, and I'm coming to peace with the situation.

    I have no kids, so I'm probably not #1 to offer advice, but your a mother- not a super hero. Perhaps years from now your children will reflect back, and recognize the enduring love you have for your mother- because of the visible grief.

    Slowly I'm beginning recall all the fine memories of my lost friend. I find myself smiling, and reflecting not on those last few moments-but on 17 years of memories we created together.

    Sisters join the forum too?
    2007 dx. HIV+ cd4:174 vl:120,000
    2007-Present cd4:~500 vl:Undetectable
    April 2012 (38 yrs) dx. Large B Cell NHL IIIes B
    6x R-Chop w/ Neulasta
    Nov 2012 Pet/Cat
    Jan 2013 MRI -

  3. #3
    Newbie New User
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    8
    Hi, Jess. I feel the same way about my mom. I miss everything about her. People tell me she is always in my heart, however, it isn't the same. I want to hug her again, here her laugh, tell her about my day, go shopping with her and see my children having fun with her. I don't know when it gets better. I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

  4. #4
    This cancer isn't fair! I'm sorry for the loss of your mom I can't imagine losing the person closest to me which would be my husband. I just couldn't.
    www.CancerKickinGirl.com

    Fall 2011 - SO SICK. Should have seen a Dr. for diagnosis!!
    Beg. of 2012 Age 26 - Almost DEAD & diagnosed Stage 4 Metastatic Pancreatic Cancer - Spread to Liver, Lymph nodes, Stomach, Cervix, Abdomen & Bowels... VERY SEVERE CASE of PC
    8/12 - Hospitalized for a week for spleen rupture
    2/13 Chemo stable/ cysts shrunk, no growth - I'll take that
    3/13 Hospitalized for hole in fistula in colon caused by cancer. Got stent and healing!

  5. #5
    Regular User
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Posts
    15
    today is a bad day. I keep thinking it will get easier. It's not. I miss her. I want to go back in time. ughh.

  6. #6
    I understand how you feel, Jess. My mom has been gone a little over a week. I think I am still in shock. My kids cry about my mom a lot (as do I) and I feel a little helpless about how to help them since she would be the person I would ask. I am taking them to purchase boxes over spring break (their "gaga" boxes) so they can put pictures, mementos and other things she gave them or did with them in the boxes. I made one after my grandma passed 13 years ago and I still have it and still sit with it and use it to feel near her. Grief is a really funny thing...it sneaks up on you at the oddest of times. I am sorry that you are having a bad day...I wish I could promise it will get easier, but I have only begun this journey myself...I have been told, that it does not get easier, just different. I am sorry that your mom's death fell so close to a major holiday...I am certain that it sucked any joy out of the Christmas season and likely will for years to come. I hope you will find some peace here...these people supported me through the worst time of my life. I can't leave, because I want to help any others that come and I want to keep in touch with my friends who are fighting and those who have lost someone close. Hang in there!
    Mom (65) diagnosed with locally advanced adenocarcinoma on May 2012
    First line of 5-fu and radiation for 5 weeks allowed cancer to get slightly worse.
    July 2012 Gemzar and Tarceva started.
    October hospitalized due to ketoacidosis and dehydration
    November scan showed pancreas tumor reduced by 47% and tumor markers coming down.
    March 2013 ct showed cancer stable, but mom repeatedly hospitalized for infections, low sodium, weakness and malnutrition.
    Mom lost her fight on March 18, 2013

  7. #7
    Hi Jess, It's so easy to say it'll get better with each passing day but in truth it does take time you need to get through all the upcoming Holidays and birthdays etc. I lost my dad over 43 years ago and still have days when I miss him dearly.....Mostly now our family just talks about the fun times and funny things that happened.
    When and If my husband doesn't win his battle with his PanCan I can tell you truthfully I'll be a MESS. The loss of someone so close to us is very very hard....Your Mom was so young I'm so sorry......Keep posting here on those bad days or good ones...We are here for you....{{{ Hugs }}} carol~
    Oct 9,2012 Hubby's ( 65 ) ERCP, Stent put in also told might be cancer
    Oct 23,2012 ( ERCP ) diagnosed. PC on head of pancreas.
    Nov. 5,2012 Whipple at Loma Linda Hosp.... could not be finished due to heart issues
    ( 4 1/2 hours into surgery )told it's also attached to Portal Vein, now only Chemo & Radiation

    1-30-13 Hubby started on his radiation and Pill Chemo ( Xeloda 3200 mg per day ) for six weeks
    3-12-13 ( Bowel blockage) in Hospital Fluid being drained
    4-18-13 New Stent put in metal with mesh
    4-19-13 2nd round of ( Xeloda ) 2 weeks on 1 week off till ? 4000 mg per day for 6 months ( changed to 3000 )
    6-12-13 Large Hernia at surgery site/won't be repaired due to his heart condition also losing toenails ( Xeloda )
    8-9-13 Taken off all Chemo just Living Life now and Keeping him Pain Free "In God's Hands"
    REMISSION NOW PRAYING IT WILL LAST 1-10-14
    3-12-15 Cancer is Back..Now in Hospice 4-10-15
    Passed on to Heaven 4-30-2015 Till you Hold me again...XOXO

  8. #8
    Senior User
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    420
    I know, I lost my dad just over a moth, and yesterday I was beside myself, the pain of his loss, and the fact I cannot change it... I feel s angry... I too have 're-lived' my dads last moments, and its very traumatising. I have two children so I have to carry on.... This is so hard. I hope it gets easer but I can never, NEVER accept the way he went.....
    May 2012 - dad jaundice and weight loss, ultrasound sees lesion on pancreas
    Summer 2012 - all tests possible, biopsies inconclusive
    Nov 2012 - sees oncologist, put on gemcetabine - doesn't work
    Dec 2012 - discharged under hospice care... Frail but ok...
    December 2012 - Ascites
    February 2013 - Now very weak.....
    23rd February 2013 - Dad passes away, no more pain.....

  9. #9
    Sorry Jess there isnt anything anyone can say or do to help, only time will help -eventually things do seem better. Focus on your children, talk about your mum to them and anyone else you think will be supportive. Losing your mum is horrible but somehow you will get through it. Best wishes and good thoughts coming your way. vicki
    Diagnosed March 2012 non operable Pan Can with mets to liver and adrenal glands. Otherwise quite well. Started Gemzar in April did several rounds Then had scan in July showing no good results tumour imploding and mets had advanced. xeloda tablets were started with good results first scan came back with shrinkage every where not a lot but encouraging. Dec scan showed liver mets returned and gained in size Folfox started January 8 2013 Dr proposed 4 rounds then a scan. Completed 4 rounds scan results not so good pancreas tumour stable and 2 spots on liver also ok but small increase in size of 3 liver spot and more spots forming biloma a formed in liver. doctors describe me as asymptomatic. Currently on chemo break until further notice.

 

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