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Thread: My husband is 1 mo post radical nephrectomy (stg 4 mets to lungs) and won't come home

  1. #1
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    My husband is 1 mo post radical nephrectomy (stg 4 mets to lungs) and won't come home

    My 42 yr old husband (married 13 yrs) who was diagnosed with stg 4 renal (clear cell) carcinoma with mets to lymph nodes and bilateral lungs had a radical radical nephrectomy nephrectomy on June 3rd and remains to stay at his mother's house that is 1 hr away from our home. He says he wants to stay where he has the best "chances". I am an ICU nurse of 15 years and am more than capable of caring for him at home. I have the ability to take time off or rearrange my schedule to be at home to help him. The other issue is that we have a 10 yr old daughter who has had to live out of a suitcase as she has had to stay at various family members homes and friends as he refuses to come home. The original plan after surgery was for his retired mother to come live with us for the first few weeks after surgery so I could work and save my vacation time for future treatment needs. He has been slow to recover but is able to get up and walk, get his own drinks, shower, and drove his own truck to his mothers after a recent md appt. When I questioned him why he won't come home to give our family a sense of normalcy and not have our family (me, him and our daughter) he told me that I am selfish, his family has been extremely ugly with me (no issues prior to surgery) and school starts in 1 month and he shows no concern that I have to figure out how to get my daughter to school while I work 3, 12 hr shifts a week. He will go back to oncologist at the end of July almost 7 weeks post survey to find out when he will be admitted for interleukin treatments. He states he has no plans to come home till after all the treatments are done and not come home in between between treatments. We also own a business which was my husband's pride and joy and we have someone managing it but hubby wants to sell biz, house, relocate. Of course all I can think about is trying to make my daughter's life normal but living out of a suitcase, having to quit swim team, discussions of selling home are more than I can handle so can't imagine how my sweet daughter is feeling. I work full time and pay all the household bills and have been supporting my husband as he grew the biz(he has helped with expenses when it was possible) . Also, the physical and emotional separation from my husband has made me feel rejected when I thought of all people he would lean on me and use my nursing expertise for guidance and not support. He shares all his time,energy,stories with his mother,brother who are all live near where he is staying. Have any of you had simular experiences? It crushes me when I am called selfish and told that I am acting like a baby when I question why he is not home. I like his family but I feel they have enabled him to behave this way and they cater to his every whim. His brother scolded me for requesting his nurse take out his Foley Cath on day 5 post open when he had refused to take it out because he would have to get up a urinate, also scolded for refusing to get him a hospital bed because I wanted him up and moving and not lying there like he was a hospice pt, scolded for not visiting more often even though st the time I drove every day I was not working almost 1 to 2 hrs when he was in hospital and first went to mother's. His brother said it was my fault that I lived too far(even though my husband and I moved to the current home 10 yrs ago as a mutual decision to raise our daughter away from the city). I could go on and on. Any advice,comments, or please tell me I am wrong. I am going crazy trying to figure how this became our life with cancer. I want my husband to live and function to fight. I understand he may never be the same person but to push us away is crazy. He is a good father and enjoys our daughter when she stays with him at his mother's house but this is still not normal for her. Please help and comment. Sorry for the disorganized rant but I wanted to share many of thecdetsilsvto get the most help.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Top User Hope2012's Avatar
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    No need to apologize...ranting is part of what we help with here! Wow...I can certainly see why this is a huge blow to you and your daughter. Let me relay what happened with my own dad. My parents were divorced when he was diagnosed with bladder cancer. My dad was a very proud man. He was the strong person in the family. The provider. He saw his role as being that strong role model. Don't get me wrong, he was also a very gentle and compassionate dad. He was also the first to help out anyone in need. Anyhow, when he got sick and could no longer be that strong provider, he didn't deal with that very well. He lived on his own in an apartment and at the time, I lived with my brother in a large townhouse that we were renting. We easily could have had him stay with us and we asked him to do that. I worked days and my brother nights, so someone could be with him 24/7. The thing was, it was VERY hard for my dad to be the one being taken care of. He'd accept rides to and from chemo treatments, but he wouldn't accept us staying with him or vice versa. He could be accepting of help from his parents because....well...that is what parents do. I'm not saying that's what's happening in your situation....just relaying what went on with my dad.

    Your husband could also be in the anger stage of his own personal grief. Everything in his life has been turned upside down and he may resent anything in his previous healthy life...house, home, family...if he feels that that is lost forever. It could be both very painful to accept and he could be feeling anger over it all. It's not uncommon for some people to push others away when they feel they are in a situation they cannot control. If they feel that way, then they try to take control over something...anything...and in his case it may be where he lives.

    Give him some more time. Don't withdraw from him and as hard as it is, try to support him. Instead of asking him why he doesn't come home...maybe ask him what it is you can do for him. Let him know that you are not going to give up on him or the family. Once he works through the anger, he may come around and be more open to things.

    I hope things get better for you...and I know the waiting is so very very hard. Good luck.
    This dark night shall end and the sun will rise again...
    Believe

    - Dad diagnosed in 1992 with primary bladder cancer
    - bladder removed and new one made from resected intestine
    - chemotherapy regimen started
    - mets to large intestines discovered in 1993...more chemo...tumors disappearing
    - complained of neck pain Dec 1994. Mets to brainstem confirmed
    - passed away Feb 24, 1995

  3. #3
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    Thank you hope...I do agree that what you describe May be dead on but I can deal with it but it's so hard to see my daughter suffer. I can almost get the anger but for his family to be so mean to me just doesn't make sense. They know what a good and supportive wife I have been for 13 yrs. Never once have I had words or issues with his family, nor from them to me. All I ask is some understanding that this is hard on me and our daughter too. I just continue to hold on to my faith and get support from those close to me. I just want to walk through this life with him for better or for worse, sickness and in health.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator Top User Hope2012's Avatar
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    I know how hard this is. One other thing is he may not want is your daughter to see him this way. In his own mind he may think he's protecting her, when in fact pushing her away could be the worst thing. He may not want to scare her. I was once awaiting a biopsy and seeing my daughter every day absolutely did a number on me. I imagined missing her school plays, missing her grow up and not being able to walk her down the aisle. It tore me up inside. She was only 18 months old at the time and I'd cry in the dark as I held her for her night time bottle feeding. Since your daughter is older he can't get away with crying like that with her.

    I do hope things get better for you....unfortunately these things take time.
    This dark night shall end and the sun will rise again...
    Believe

    - Dad diagnosed in 1992 with primary bladder cancer
    - bladder removed and new one made from resected intestine
    - chemotherapy regimen started
    - mets to large intestines discovered in 1993...more chemo...tumors disappearing
    - complained of neck pain Dec 1994. Mets to brainstem confirmed
    - passed away Feb 24, 1995

 

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