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Thread: probate blues (my story so far)

  1. #1

    probate blues (my story so far)

    i hope i picked the correct forum category to post this. it deals with how emotions and greed takes over during the probate process after a loved one leaves us and children from previous marriages are involved. im just feeling the stress and either need to vent or looking for advise from experience. plus maybe someone that reads this will learn from my experience so far. as sad and awkward as this subject is if you don't make sure of things it can make life hard for the loved ones we leave behind. don't put it off, educate yourself on what you truly can and cannot work with in terms of heirlooms, money and property, legitimize your final wishes with a local probate lawyer, and communicating your wishes with your loved ones is the key when it comes to handling our end business. so here it goes, my story of the probate blues so far.

    it all started when my grandmother pasted away in 2011 from battling lung cancer till her soul allowed her body to give in. years before that she asked me to be the executor of her will (because i always got along with all my family whether it was by blood or marriage), make sure my step-grandfather is ok (he was getting senile, had seizures and strokes due to head trauma from an atv accident and his kids wasn't the best of support with him nor were they around much), to be my uncles financial conservator and eventually guardian (he cant manage money or make rational decisions without confusion due to head trauma from a car wreck), make sure my mom is ok (she was crippled along with other health issues due to full body impact in a car wreck) when she is gone, i love them both and had already been helping her and my mom do all that anyways so i obviously said yes without hesitation not knowing what any of that meant. well, she chose to keep her will a secret from most everyone while she was preparing it cause my step grandfather was starting to gamble away more then his retirement brought in. so when i filed it, was a shock to my step-grandfather since he was already claiming her stuff to be his now and out of the blue began pushing my grandmothers side of the family away with hurtful words at the worse times to the ones that were the closest to her. she basically said in her will all of her stuff went to her children and if he wanted to live in her house it would be under the stipulation that he never bring a new women in her home. he got mad and it was contested by my step grandfather. btw he owned another home of his own plus they had 2 homes they jointly owned. they were both basically land poor when they met and became even more land poor together lol. sadly he past away during the probate process days before we were to meet and mediate how to give him his legal share of my grandmothers estate since he was the surviving spouse. now his oldest daughter from his 1st wife has continued the caveat. she is asking for his legal share of my grandmothers estate plus wants my grandfathers half of any jointly owned property bought out. both these homes they jointly owned need a lot of work(they had land and homes but no money to keep them up as rentals or any interest to sale them). the money doesn't exist nor has it ever existed in my grandmothers estate to simply cut a check for my step grandfathers share of her estate value, let alone pay for a years support. no one on my grandmothers side of the family, even accumulative have the money to buy out my step grandfathers half of jointly owned property. to be continued:

    Now i want to say i love and miss both my grandmother and step-grandfather more then i know how to say, we had great years together. When they met their kids were all young adults on there own other then my uncle living with my grandmother. seemed to be static with the siblings the whole time i grew up, nothing jerry springer worthy but still static non the less. I was never involved in any drama i was just the kid that hung out with the grandparents on the weekends. im sure i have more to say but im tired.
    april / 2013 pop passes away on mama's birthday
    march / 2013 mama has a colon resection due to benign tumor
    august / 2013 mama goes jaundice, has a stent put in bile duct, diagnosed with 2b tumor on the ampulla of vater stage 2
    september / 2013 mama has wipple procedure
    december / 2013 mama has a port put in for future chemo
    january / 2014 scans show no cancer with benign cyst on liver and kidney
    january /2014 gemzar - tarceva chemo treatment begins
    may / 2014 scans show cancer spread to liver stage 4
    may / 2014 abraxane replaces tarceva as palliative treatment
    october / 2014 xoleda replaces gemzar - abraxane treatment
    november / 2014 mama goes to heaven
    cancer sucks

  2. #2
    wow looking at it written down the way i did does kinda make things look like i live in a caregivers version of a springer show lol. hope i haven't offended anyone in a similar situation looking at things from a different point of view. all that stuff is going on while helping out my mom while she is going thru this cancer fight and my dad passing away around the same time my moms battle started.......which do ya go broke doing first paying a lawyer to help respect a loved ones final wishes or go broke paying for treatment. its gong on at the same time so only time will tell.
    april / 2013 pop passes away on mama's birthday
    march / 2013 mama has a colon resection due to benign tumor
    august / 2013 mama goes jaundice, has a stent put in bile duct, diagnosed with 2b tumor on the ampulla of vater stage 2
    september / 2013 mama has wipple procedure
    december / 2013 mama has a port put in for future chemo
    january / 2014 scans show no cancer with benign cyst on liver and kidney
    january /2014 gemzar - tarceva chemo treatment begins
    may / 2014 scans show cancer spread to liver stage 4
    may / 2014 abraxane replaces tarceva as palliative treatment
    october / 2014 xoleda replaces gemzar - abraxane treatment
    november / 2014 mama goes to heaven
    cancer sucks

  3. #3
    Administrator Top User Didee's Avatar
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    Jun 2010
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    11,461
    I don't know how it is over there but here the situation would be that assets are sold and then the money divided as per the Will or after any legal wrangles have been resolved..if there is money left after the lawyers have finished.
    Aussie, age 61
    1987 CIN 111. Cervix lasered, no further problems.

    Years of pain, bleeding, women's plumbing problems. TV ultrasound, tests, eventual hysterectomy 2007, fibroids in lining of Uterus.

    Dx Peripheral T Cell Lymphoma stage 2B bulky, aggressive Dec/09.
    6 chop14 and Neulasta.
    Clean PET April/10, 18 rads 36gy mop up. All done May 2010
    Iffy scan Nov. 2011. Scan Feb 2012 .still in remission.Still NED Nov 2012.
    Discharged Nov 2014.

    May/2012. U/sound, thyroid scan, FNB. Benign adenoma.

    Relapse Apr 2016. AITL. Some chemos then on to allo transplant. Onc says long remission was good. Still very fixable.

    SCT Aug 2016

  4. #4
    Your story illustrates why it is so important for all adults to be sure to have a well constructed will that covers different contingencies as applicable to the family (such as the order of death and how that affects the will, how a disabled survivor is to be provided for, care and support of minor children, etc), to have a trust if that helps protect assets and if it will help with the distribution of assets, and perhaps to have in the will that those who object will be automatically cut out.

    A well written will helps prevent having the executor from being stuck in the middle of squabbles. And a well written trust can also make things easier.
    Tarceva hints in this thread.

    Hospice - a support thread here .

  5. #5
    your right didee that is how it works here as well. However the will wants to pass on property instead of selling. So far the legal cost are from money not a part of the estate. i cant be sworn in as executor until the contest is either dropped or dismissed, so i dont have access to my grandmothers anything yet. im just gonna call that legal money a loss cause to charge the estate is to charge my uncle and mom. my guess is there isn't enough money to cover it anyways lol. me and my mom live in the house my grandparents lived in now and we can buy out my step grandfathers legal share if we have to but seems unfair since the house is in my grandmothers name only and was hers in the beginning. tried to sign over all the properties that is jointly owned to his estate but they want money from me or my grandmothers estate instead. plus i found out there is a small amount left on a mortgage on one of the properties that are jointly owned. not sure how that works when i cant even address it yet.

    hey spouse you are right on about that. seems to be a hard subject when it matters the most and then by the time ya get to it(even with the best of intentions)you either forget something trying to rush, and/or what one hopes folks will be like turns out not the case. and yes it does take more then just a will to keep your loved ones safe when your gone. what started out to be 2 grand to abide by my grandmothers last wishes has so far almost 3 years later turned out 10 grand just to show proof her will is legit. her will does have a clause in it about cutting out anyone whom contests, however the caveats are the ones mention by name to not benefit from her estate(his stuff goes to his kids and her stuff goes to her kids).

    thanks for both your replies, i will be glad when all this probate stuff is over with so i can concentrate on my moms battle and keep up with my uncle better. we are scheduled to mediate this Thursday so we shall see if my step grandfathers oldest daughters is after money and spite or ready to make nice. so far over the last 2 years my step father lived in my grandmothers house most of her things have been destroyed or missing. the daughter said she did it cause her daddy told her to, still not sure if that was legal. she also didn't mention my grandmothers name in my step grandfathers obituary. my side of the family and his friends wasn't even informed he had passed and by the time i found out we had missed his funeral. i have not made one comment about all that either cause it feels like silly digs to be mean. when i was a kid i called her aunt (insert name lol), she said im not your aunt so dont think im getting you a xmas gift. i never told anyone that before. i dont hold anything against her, she just misguided or something. doesn't mean im not gonna have the lawyer call her out on her actions.
    april / 2013 pop passes away on mama's birthday
    march / 2013 mama has a colon resection due to benign tumor
    august / 2013 mama goes jaundice, has a stent put in bile duct, diagnosed with 2b tumor on the ampulla of vater stage 2
    september / 2013 mama has wipple procedure
    december / 2013 mama has a port put in for future chemo
    january / 2014 scans show no cancer with benign cyst on liver and kidney
    january /2014 gemzar - tarceva chemo treatment begins
    may / 2014 scans show cancer spread to liver stage 4
    may / 2014 abraxane replaces tarceva as palliative treatment
    october / 2014 xoleda replaces gemzar - abraxane treatment
    november / 2014 mama goes to heaven
    cancer sucks

  6. #6
    so tomorrow is mediation day. i tried to the bitter end but i except i cant keep the peace with everyone. i have looked into all options available to keep the family land. it comes down to we simply don't have the money to keep it. todays market it will be closer to us paying someone to take the land. so i have excepted it as a loss and can only focus on my mom and our home. hopefully whomever ends up with the land will love and appreciate it as i did growing up.

    thanks for putting up with my whining and thanks for the replies. i reckon my probate blues will be ending soon since i have waved the white flag. if anyone has been thru something like this id love to here how it turned out for ya.

    so far here are a few things , from a business end of things, i have learnt from handling someone's estate so far. when making your final plans make sure you prioritize things. funeral is the immediate cost, your looking at 15 grand unless you intend on cremation or a plain pine box, even then it almost 10 grand. a grave will cost roughly 5 grand. a tombstone is around 3 grand with engravings. to have a proper will and trusts created to safe guard things for you family will cost roughly 2 grand with a lawyer and then maybe a grand after your gone to file and execute your estate. add another 10 grand in legal fees if someone contests the will even if they are dismissed in court. get the best life insurance policy you can afford and what plans you cant afford fill the paper work out ahead of time like the funeral plans etc., and promise the funds from the insurance policy. visit and ask the ones you wish to hold certain honors after your passing to do so. make sure all of your money accounts have p.o.d. and or beneficiaries listed or bill collectors will bleed your estate dry and leave family broke. if you get all this done then wake up the next day with a big smile and go have fun with whatever your doing.

    i thank my grandmother for doing what she did do in planning her end business( i love you nana). its hard enough as it is dealing with this stuff and keeping emotions in check, pile that on top of helping my mom and daily living.......its just been a heck of a ride so far and maybe my short story will help prevent anyone else from having craziness like this occur. peace out and i throw a buddy hug to all.
    april / 2013 pop passes away on mama's birthday
    march / 2013 mama has a colon resection due to benign tumor
    august / 2013 mama goes jaundice, has a stent put in bile duct, diagnosed with 2b tumor on the ampulla of vater stage 2
    september / 2013 mama has wipple procedure
    december / 2013 mama has a port put in for future chemo
    january / 2014 scans show no cancer with benign cyst on liver and kidney
    january /2014 gemzar - tarceva chemo treatment begins
    may / 2014 scans show cancer spread to liver stage 4
    may / 2014 abraxane replaces tarceva as palliative treatment
    october / 2014 xoleda replaces gemzar - abraxane treatment
    november / 2014 mama goes to heaven
    cancer sucks

  7. #7
    so this crap is still going on for some reason idk. some reason the kids of my step grandfather wants cash and not land so they are doing whatever legal mumbo jumbo to prolong finalizing my grandmothers probate in efforts to find money or bank accounts or something. I still have yet to handle my fathers probate stuff. Feeling the pressure on all this and helping mama out gets heavy on the soul i tell ya what.
    april / 2013 pop passes away on mama's birthday
    march / 2013 mama has a colon resection due to benign tumor
    august / 2013 mama goes jaundice, has a stent put in bile duct, diagnosed with 2b tumor on the ampulla of vater stage 2
    september / 2013 mama has wipple procedure
    december / 2013 mama has a port put in for future chemo
    january / 2014 scans show no cancer with benign cyst on liver and kidney
    january /2014 gemzar - tarceva chemo treatment begins
    may / 2014 scans show cancer spread to liver stage 4
    may / 2014 abraxane replaces tarceva as palliative treatment
    october / 2014 xoleda replaces gemzar - abraxane treatment
    november / 2014 mama goes to heaven
    cancer sucks

  8. #8
    this must be a taboo subject or something going by the lack of thoughts on this. am i the only one that's gone thru craziness in the probate process.
    april / 2013 pop passes away on mama's birthday
    march / 2013 mama has a colon resection due to benign tumor
    august / 2013 mama goes jaundice, has a stent put in bile duct, diagnosed with 2b tumor on the ampulla of vater stage 2
    september / 2013 mama has wipple procedure
    december / 2013 mama has a port put in for future chemo
    january / 2014 scans show no cancer with benign cyst on liver and kidney
    january /2014 gemzar - tarceva chemo treatment begins
    may / 2014 scans show cancer spread to liver stage 4
    may / 2014 abraxane replaces tarceva as palliative treatment
    october / 2014 xoleda replaces gemzar - abraxane treatment
    november / 2014 mama goes to heaven
    cancer sucks

  9. #9
    The topic is not taboo. Sometimes there is just not much to offer in a circumstance, such as legal issues within a family. Hopefully, others can learn from your hardship, and try to set up their own finances more clearly, so that they don't have a family member(s) who need to experience the difficulties that you are. Meanwhile, best of luck to you in not having the stress get you down.
    Tarceva hints in this thread.

    Hospice - a support thread here .

 

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