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Thread: Cancer- the six letter word that changed my life.

  1. #161
    yes that is true @zim! Hubs name was John and I am leah.
    hope you are doing ok and not too bad. I got to say your energy and positive outlook is amazing.

    This is one of those days when mid study I stop and go on a hunt. I just learned about bevacizumab, I did not know it was avastin (trade name) and found out I knew about it already. I added Temozolomide to it too. Its amazing how much we know about the drugs we were forced to know about due to life and its many trials.

    anyhow, everyday without fail, i think of him. This morning wokeup half asleep telling myself its ok, he suffered enough and before my brain starts thinking nonstop, i jumped out and started my day. The studying is going incredibley slow, sometimes i wonder if this is something I should do. I guess things will all fall into place. Today dad asked me if I wana donate stuff sitting in storage! i was like no!!. its stuff we bought together, i dont think im ready to part with any of that. its mainly furniture and things but still. I do not want to let go just yet. I know its probably not healthy but right now I am not going throw stuff out. I have donated most of his cloths and all.
    I was thinking of making a stuffed lion with one of his favorite shirts. i was wondering if any of you have done that and if so from where? I know the usual is a teddy but he loved lions and wanted to visit the african, lion sanctuaries someday:-/

    hope everyones thanksgiving went well. Ours was ok, very emotional when we all gathered around the food. sigh
    Last edited by seaofgladness; 11-28-2018 at 11:32 PM.
    Hubby with inoperable brainstem glioma. Dx- 8/30/2016. Finished radiation- 10/28/2016. started temodar 5/20/2017- didn't tolerate it. started avastin 6/24/17. Tumor growth (Glioblastoma) avastin stopped 9/22/2017. Hospice started 9/28/2017. Went to heaven- 3/4/2018

  2. #162
    Senior User
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    296
    Well HELLO LEAH!!
    Letting go is such a personal thing. Do it at your own pace! You can and you will. Start with the impersonal things. Sell what you can and tell John that the proceeds will go to his flower fund!
    (Here I'll remind you and John that a visit to Africa is accompanied by millions of flies, so visit by watching the TV documentaries; and think of him along the way.)

    I'm so glad that you are sticking with the studies. When do you test? Is that one of those multi-stage exams, that beat your brains out for several days?

    Warmest regards to you Leah, and to your family,
    Hang-in dear one.
    zim

  3. #163
    Happy new year everyone... wishing you all a year of strength and peace for the struggles we face.

    The holidays were hard but leaving to go visit family and friends in the big apple helped. Of course his presence is often missed and our birthdays are this month so I am think it will be bit hard. I am trying to stay focused and not lose sight of the task at hand.
    Life still goes on, and sometimes I worry I am forgetting him, when I do I go back and run over how his laugh was, i play videos to remember the sound of his voice i think about all the moles he had or the way his hand feels. I worry of the day I can not recall and I get so adamant on not forgetting him. I can still remember him saying " dont forget me" the week he passed away. what I learned is I am sensitive, lots of things happening aorund me and I think of it wouldnt have been like this if he was here. I don't know maybe I am bit weaker now.
    I am not even sure if I should be writing all this. anyhow..peace and strength to all.

    @zim- exams probably going to be end of march, right before I leave to go visit his mom. Yes its a several day thing! Africa will have to wait, I may just end up watching documentaries as you said lol
    Hubby with inoperable brainstem glioma. Dx- 8/30/2016. Finished radiation- 10/28/2016. started temodar 5/20/2017- didn't tolerate it. started avastin 6/24/17. Tumor growth (Glioblastoma) avastin stopped 9/22/2017. Hospice started 9/28/2017. Went to heaven- 3/4/2018

  4. #164
    Thank you for staying with us and posting about your life after GBM.

  5. #165
    Senior User
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    296
    Hi Leah,
    I sure hope that you are studying hard!!

    zim

  6. #166

    Smile Happy Birthday, Yogi

    hey guys

    ugh, I thought I would be quiet for a while and lay low but just can't get him out of my head long enough to focus... so here I am. Maybe its the path we all take together, but this is where i think i express myself freely.

    Yesterday was his birthday, he would have been 41. Went to the grave first thing when I woke up, spent some time talking to him and it always leaves me feeling guilty for leaving him there and going home like I am abandoning him, he used to say "make sure I am really gone, have few doctors check, you know I'm scared to sleep alone in the dark" lol . I told him I would throw in a flashlight just in case. Come to think of it, I think we took death with humor and also sadness. We spoke about many things, to prep me without him and to prep him for the end. I know none of this makes any sense and even going to the grave is more for me than him but grief knows no reason.

    Last night I had a strange dream, a friend and my dad were explaining something on the computer to me and I didn't understand the language being used. I got sad and thought if he was here, he would explain it and I could ask him to explain it without feeling stupid. next thing you know I'm hugging him and telling him what just happened and he is like " so what? all you have to do is read the manual and it will tell you, you can do this on your own" I was like 'oh yeah I know English, I can do this" and then I woke up.

    He was a funny guy, I look at old videos or think about silly things he has done like all the pranks he has played and it makes me laugh. A good friend of his texted me today out of the blue to see how I'm doing cuz she has been thinking about me. I told her yesterday was his birthday, and she was like " I lost track of it being on the 17th, he must have been wanting me to check on u, you were his world"
    I am not sure if I believe in people who pass sending messages to loved ones but it did make me smile.
    He is missed and thought of every day.

    in other news, studying is going slow and steady, lots of material, lots of distractions. just keeping at it.
    I don't know if it's healthy to think so or not but I have lived a good life with him. I have memories to last a lifetime.
    Hubby with inoperable brainstem glioma. Dx- 8/30/2016. Finished radiation- 10/28/2016. started temodar 5/20/2017- didn't tolerate it. started avastin 6/24/17. Tumor growth (Glioblastoma) avastin stopped 9/22/2017. Hospice started 9/28/2017. Went to heaven- 3/4/2018

  7. #167
    sometimes we don't let go of memories, because its a constant reminder of a great story that never should have ended.
    Hubby with inoperable brainstem glioma. Dx- 8/30/2016. Finished radiation- 10/28/2016. started temodar 5/20/2017- didn't tolerate it. started avastin 6/24/17. Tumor growth (Glioblastoma) avastin stopped 9/22/2017. Hospice started 9/28/2017. Went to heaven- 3/4/2018

  8. #168
    Senior User
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    296
    Leah,

    Test are coming, March is right around the corner. Study is your first line of attach right now! As far a memories go, just ask yourself; "What would John want me to do!" And, I'll ask; would he say; "Spend time down memory lane." Or would he say, "It's study time; can I help!"
    He loved you. So I know what he would say even if it is hard on you!

    Hang in Dear Lady;
    zim

  9. #169
    Senior User
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    296
    Hi Leah,
    In reading my last post, it comes across a little harsh. It wasn't meant to be.
    Please do your own thing and know that we, here, support you all the way.

    Regards, zim

  10. #170
    hey guys,

    last week was rough, spent days in bed with tv running in the background and eating junk. By saturday, i was like thats enuogh. Back on track this morning. Monday I am thinking of just spending the day with family and enjoying time with friends and of course go visit him. Studying is going better now, realizing I enjoy what I do. Hope things are going as best as they can.
    @zim, it wasnt harsh at all, and yes he would have said " study!"
    Hubby with inoperable brainstem glioma. Dx- 8/30/2016. Finished radiation- 10/28/2016. started temodar 5/20/2017- didn't tolerate it. started avastin 6/24/17. Tumor growth (Glioblastoma) avastin stopped 9/22/2017. Hospice started 9/28/2017. Went to heaven- 3/4/2018

 

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