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Thread: Cancer- the six letter word that changed my life.

  1. #171
    Senior User
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    309
    Hi,
    I'm relieved!
    YOU GO GIRL!!!
    ZIM

  2. #172
    Just finished filing my last joint tax, very unreal. Itís interesting the things that trigger a path down memory lane, which end up with me standing in the middle of the house crying why why. Why did you have to go? Maybe itís seeing his wallet and counting the last dollars he had kept in it. Idk. Today is a bad day. Oh maybe itís also the anxiety of seeing his parents end of the month. Iím beginning to think that although we may get better with dealing with the grief that person will always be a loss and youíre kind of never get over losing them. Or never stop crying for them. Idk. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow is GI day, hoping for lots of productivity

  3. #173
    Senior User
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
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    309
    Hi Leah,
    SOooooo...How did the test go? Some Do Overs?

    And, how did the visit with John's parents go?

    'Thinking about you, zim

  4. #174
    Hey guys,

    I have not done the exam yet, because I had some issues with applying for it and needed to get some paperwork from my med school. This would take about 6 weeks, which is why i went to see his parents. The visit was quite emotional, and the house is full of sadness. His mom is especially hit hard with it, many times she just stares are his picture and shakes her head in disbelief. I think for my own sanity, its good that I live further away from them because it would just be misery for us all. However, I do realize that when I am with them, they talk about him just as much as I do. It was unreal sleeping in his old room with him not there and seeing pictures of him on the wall and just remembering all the times we have been there together before. It also was good in the sense, we got to get together and one thing I wanted to do was visit his mom so it felt nice to go and give them gifts like he would have and to just visit them.

    I am back home now and ready to get back into a routine, needed to get over jetlag. I wonder when is it not ok for me to write in here anymore. I do realize I only write about my struggle/my life after his passing. please let me know, i wont be offended or anything if i am supposed to shutup now. I have been there so i understand.
    Hubby with inoperable brainstem glioma. Dx- 8/30/2016. Finished radiation- 10/28/2016. started temodar 5/20/2017- didn't tolerate it. started avastin 6/24/17. Tumor growth (Glioblastoma) avastin stopped 9/22/2017. Hospice started 9/28/2017. Went to heaven- 3/4/2018

  5. #175
    Senior User
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    309
    Hi Leah,

    First, you should know that it is never "NOT OK for you to post here". There will come a time when your grief will say enough, but until then you should post here when ever the mood strikes. We have members whose love ones passed away years ago that post frequently and have much to offer. You may not realize it, but you have come a long way since those early posts and I, for one, encourage you to continue to vent here.

    I'm glad that you survived the trip to John's parents. Parents take the death of a child especially hard. (I know...my son died in 2005.) BUT it is over and it will be easier the next time. That is the nature of grief.

    'Looking forward to your post on the (Dreaded) tests..Hang in!!

    respectfully, zim

  6. #176
    Senior User
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
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    309
    Hi Leah,

    We do miss you, and we hope that you are well.

    regards, zim

  7. #177
    Hey everyone!

    Been a while since I have been back on here, mostly because I was quite busy. I finally got my exam scheduling permit so my exam will be somewhere in Aug/September time. I have sat down for hardcore studying and like a friend reminded me, start slow but stay steady. Some days I am hard on myself for not studying harder this year but then duh, something major just happened and I think it's ok if I wasn't as motivated as I wanted to be.

    I do feel much more gathered together, I don't have moments of falling apart and I don't feel guilty for not visiting the grave or feel I have to run there often. I think when he told me "don't forget me" I don't think he meant to keep "showing" him that by coming to the grave.
    The fact that I think about him and I sometimes can't believe he is gone is " don't forget me". What I have learned is, we keep the people we lost alive by having them in our thoughts, conversations, smiles. They may be gone, but how they made us feel or the laughs they shared with us all stay with us. Do I wish he was here? of course, would trade the world for it, but that's not how life works.

    I don't think the pain gets numb or anything as time goes on, I think its more of learning how to manage life in the face of loss.
    These days I mainly work out, study, and try to read a bit for leisure and stay spiritual. Just a season of life where I try to learn to live in this new phase.

    oh, I do not like the term widow, people use that, and it makes me cringe. Sounds so sad, so final and then the pity look at comes right after is another whole story. I let it go because people don't know how to deal with all that has happened to me. Why would they? They have never been through all that I have been through and unless someone has walked in the path that I am on they wouldn't understand just like I maybe do not understand things they face.
    anyhow, Next week is our wedding anniversary, I am nervous as to how the day will be. Not sure how I should prepare for that. I think it will be a quiet day. Last year, I left the city and kept myself busy with friends since I knew it would be hard since it was 2 months after he passed. This year I am planning on not running away, but just face the day.
    Sometimes when I see people moving on with life, getting promotions and having kids and family, I think of all that was stolen from me and get down but then I also remember all that I have to cherish as well.
    Someone gave me a framed picture that says " In the end, it is not the years of your life but the life in your years that count"- how so true.

    Anyhow, back to the books, hope everyone is doing ok. When there isn't much activity on the forum, I like to think people are doing better than expected and loved ones are spending valuable time together. Wish you all great health, peace, and love.

    ps. Zim! thanks for checking up! quite sweet of you!
    Last edited by seaofgladness; 05-28-2019 at 08:01 PM.
    Hubby with inoperable brainstem glioma. Dx- 8/30/2016. Finished radiation- 10/28/2016. started temodar 5/20/2017- didn't tolerate it. started avastin 6/24/17. Tumor growth (Glioblastoma) avastin stopped 9/22/2017. Hospice started 9/28/2017. Went to heaven- 3/4/2018

  8. #178
    Senior User
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    309
    Well, hello Leah,
    I am, and I know others are, so glad you posted. I, for one, was worried that your trip had knocked you down a peg or two. ..But you are back and I detect a little worried about the real future, test and all.
    August/Sept is far enough away to let you study hard, SLOWLY. Put all those facts in concrete.

    Let me tell you something about “don’t forget me”. HOW could we. But, I’m sure that John did not mean to be obsessed with it. He will live on in your memories and in your heart without laboring by his grave site. So, I think that instead of making that trip; head to a favorite restaurant, lift a glass to John and say; “See, I didn’t forget!” AND, TAKE a friend to ease the day. And remember that; “In the end, it is not the years of your life but the life in your years that count." Your life now is prep for the test, and living for the future. No one would ask you to forget the past. It is part of who you are.

    By the way, My sister HATED to be called WIDOW. (So naturally, I’d ask on the phone; “How is the Widow lady?” just to hear her sputter. I say wear it with pride. It is a title that conveys the pain and quantifies the ‘LIFE IN YOUR YEARS’ well.

    It is time to move on with life, as I’m sure you are. Remember, you are the sum total of all of your experiences, both the good ones and the bad. All of your tomorrows will contain an element of the past and expectations of the future.

    Live well, Leah, we are in your court.
    zim

  9. #179
    Senior User
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    309
    Hi Leah,
    This is just a quick post to let you know that we are thinking of you and the coming (OMG) test. I hope that your are comfortable in your knowledge and READY!

    Please let us know how it is going!!
    Regards
    zim

  10. #180
    hey guys!

    was just thinking of you all. I have been studying and staying focused. Been doing practice questions and prepping myself. a question i had today reminded me of end of life. I got the question wrong so I was reading up on the explanation and it well, it explained what was happening medically/pathologically in the brainstem (medulla) hours leading to death if they have a tumor on the medulla (which john did). unreal.

    went numb for a min and then thought about how now forever I'm " oh the daughter who lost her husband to brain tumor" or "oh the widow (pity eyes)" and then I thought about all hospital visits, and our last days, basically went down a whole memory lane just sitting staring into space. In total disbelief, this happened in my life.

    that is when I remembered how Zim said something about how to view "widow" from a different perspective, so I came here to read what he had said. Felt better, got perspective. Thank you for that reminder zim

    it is nice having you guys here, the only people who get what I'm saying without many words.

    back to exam prep, it is going slow but steady. I have stopped stressing about time flying by so much and just making sure I prep right and since then my test scores have improved. It is so true that the state of our mind affects our day. This I guess is true for life and usmle
    Last edited by seaofgladness; 08-22-2019 at 10:02 PM. Reason: addition
    Hubby with inoperable brainstem glioma. Dx- 8/30/2016. Finished radiation- 10/28/2016. started temodar 5/20/2017- didn't tolerate it. started avastin 6/24/17. Tumor growth (Glioblastoma) avastin stopped 9/22/2017. Hospice started 9/28/2017. Went to heaven- 3/4/2018

 

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