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Thread: So many tests....and a poem

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  1. #1
    Regular User
    Join Date
    Jan 2017

    Plz answer. I have no support/family left. Nowhere else to turn

    This will be long and probably all over the place. Bare with me please.

    In 2009 an ER doc noticed I had swollen nodes in my neck. He asked how long they had been swollen...I wasn't sure.
    He referred me to a lump specialist and scheduled an ultrasound. I got a core sample taken from a node...inconclusive.
    They had me on a watch and wait. Talk about scary. But I got used to the routine visits. And felt they really were nothing. Well on my most recent 'routine' visit with a new doc they noticed that my nodes are quite a bit larger. And everywhere. Reactive thickened nodes under my armpits, groin, neck, behind my ear and in chest. She was worried. Radiologist said "consistent with lymphoma or leukemia"!!! Never even considered the latter...or had it mentioned.
    She asked how I have generally been feeling. I told her "'I feel unwell all the time, drained, pressure headaches from node behind ear, really sore lower back, muscles feel sick if that makes sense. Also weird nerve like pains in my feet, and thigh bones feel pained but the pain is unexplainable"' she ordered more blood tests. Said my platelets have been low for over a year. No one mentioned that. Wbc is always "a little high but not worrysome" (Not sure the numbers). Xray showed deterioration in lower spine...most likely osteoarthritis. I'm only 34?!?
    Been having extreme, drenching, gotta change the sheets sweats for almost a year now. In the past few weeks I have been getting odd and very aggravating pain deep in my bones. Like no matter how I try to soothe it I can't reach it. One day it will be my forearm...next day shin bone. Some days nothing.
    I'm waiting on some excisional biopsies...three weeks and still no surgery day. She also mentioned bone biopsy. More blood work papers to get done ... again...seems almost weekly. She said everything points to the c word but "we are being proactive and there has been so much research done and so many treatment options available". " don't worry, you are young and seemingly pretty healthy" . Well jeez thanks but no thanks...Still terrified. I feel like my body is getting sicker. My usual weight over the years has been about 130...but for the past two months I can't get higher than 115. She says "I wouldn't be concerned about the weight loss". But I find myself on the scale constantly.
    I wish she would get these biopsies done already...
    I'm lost. What else could it be. She says everything leads her in only one direction...so why am I still waiting?. I know. I'm rambling. Sorry.
    I wrote this poem last night. I'm lost....could use some words of hope/encouragement.

    **no way to live**

    Omg I can't handle the pain, feels like I'm actually going insane.
    Shin bones, arm bones, hands and back,
    Is it actually cancer? Or something I lack.
    I can't sleep or even relax,
    My mind is my enemy, I want my life back.
    I cry cause I hurt, I cry cause I'm scared,
    This is so crazy, I feel impared.
    Please God please, just offer me strength,
    Ill do anything, at any length.
    I'm tired and weak, and always sad,
    I'm not the mother I should be, and I feel bad.
    Too many questions, racing my mind,
    What is wrong with me? And what will they find?
    I don't want to wonder, like this I can't grow,
    I'm desperate and worried, I need to know.
    I love my kids, my partner, my life,
    Why oh why do I suffer with strife.
    Constant arguments inside my head,
    Always hiding, safe in my bed.
    I pray to my lord, for comfort and hope,
    To help me find courage to smile and cope.
    If Mum were here I would not be so terrified,
    Why did she get sick, why did she die.
    Do we share the same outcome of early dismissal?
    I guess I keep wondering till my ref blows the whistle.
    Last edited by Mommymeg; 01-11-2017 at 02:55 AM. Reason: Misspelled alot of words


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