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Thread: How to help my soon to be widower dad

  1. #1
    Regular User
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    Jun 2017
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    How to help my soon to be widower dad

    I've posted about my mothers illness under the lung cancer section but this is more general, long story short she is terminal and declining faster each day.

    My dad is her primary care giver and he does an amazing job, I've never seen someone so patient and kind.
    They have been married 27 years on the 20th, they're inseparable. Best friends. A power couple. They are why I know what true love looks like. They orbit one another is a truly loving, completely non possessive way. I've seen them disagree plenty of times but it is quickly resolved with a hug and a kiss.

    He's a strong man but this is destroying him.

    Three years ago he lost his father to dementia, and since being put on heavy doses of palliative drugs, mom has been exhibiting the same traits.
    Naturally her appetite is decreasing as is her waking moments and coherency.

    Some days he just looks at her.. with so much love and so much hurt in his eyes.
    I know all of this is "normal" and that people move on in time but this is a man that still can't talk about his mother whom he lost nearly 20 years ago.

    Mom is the glue to our family, we orbit around her. She is our sun. Our light. She is truly the best person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. She is kind to no end, never utters a bad remark about someone (unless they've hurt her babies). She gives and gives and gives without expecting anything in return ever.

    I just don't know what will happen to him.
    What will happen to us.

    This post has gotten away on me a bit, sorry.

    I just want to make sure he is okay.

  2. #2
    Moderator Top User jorola's Avatar
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    Lunalight please don't worry about the length of your post. It was heartfelt and true and brought tears to my eyes.

    I wish I had wonderful words of wisdom but all I have is this - hold on tight to each other and love one another through the good and the bad. Emotions may run high and sometimes, even in the strongest of families. Those emotions - especially the pain and the anger - can get to us and sometimes things are said that were never meant. I have seen and experienced that first hand. So stick together. Allow each to grieve as they need to as going through grieving and what that looks like for each person can be so different. Remember the love and respect you have for one another and just be there for each other.

    This time is so hard on a family. I remember it well with my mother-in-law. So sad, hard breaking, maddening, stressful and yet one of my sweetest memories are special moments that happened during that time. See I had only been with my husband just over 2 years when she passed. I was still getting to know her when the cancer spread to her brain and caused her such pain and anguish (hallucinations, dementia and pain itself) to herself and for this family watching their loved one fade away. One of the last lucid things she said just days before she passed was to me saying she could not be happier I was with her son as she never saw him happier and she loved me for that knowing she was leaving with her son in good hands. Never have I felt such love and bonding then at that moment. As a family we endured - in some ways brought closer with her passing.

    My thoughts are with your mom, your father, you and your whole family.

    Jodie
    Wife to husband with squamous lung cancer stage 3 b
    dx - April 20/14
    tx started May 20/14 - radiation and chemo
    June 23 - chemo finished
    July 4 - radiation finished
    July 8 - PET scan shows tumor almost gone, lymph nodes back to normal
    Married July 19/14
    Sept 9/14 - repeat can shows tumor continues to shrink more, no new spots. New coughing and pain due to chest infection or side effect of radiation.
    Sept 19/14 - not infection but pneumonitis, place on dex for 4 weeks
    Oct 22/14 - now off of dex and facing even more symptoms of withdrawal
    Dec 16/14 - pretty much nothing left but a scar
    April 7/15 - ditto scan and screw you stats
    Oct 6/15 - more scarring but still cancer still gone
    Feb 2016 -scan the same
    Aug 2016 - more of the same
    Aug 2017 - and ditto
    Aug 2018 - 4 yrs NED - no evidence of disease
    Aug 2019 - 5 yrs NED and discharged from cancer clinic!!!!!

  3. #3
    Regular User
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    Thank you for your reply, your post brought tears to MY eyes gosh.
    You're blessed to have had such a nice moment with her, the lucid ones are so very special. And for her to have said something so sweet and heartfelt, I hope it makes you smile every time you think back on it.
    We are moving through this best we can, and will continue to support him for the rest of our lives.
    It's become my mission to make sure he, and my siblings, never feel alone in this.

 

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