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Thread: Unexpected

  1. #1
    Newbie New User
    Join Date
    Feb 2018


    Do we ever stop needing our mothers? I am a 46 yr. Old female and i miss her (my mother) everyday!! it was 14 yrs. Ago she was 1st diagnosed with cancer. Stage 4 non Hodgkins lymphoma, vulva cancer and then MDS. She passed away October 1st,2017. I am still an emotional roller coaster. We didnt have the best relationship, but she was my mother and i loved her then and now. Every year at least twice a yr. My step dad would call us kids and say, this is it. It sounds horrible, but after hearing that yr. After yr. We never thought it would happen. I used to tell her, you are the real womder women mom!! Well, in september i got the call again. She was getting blood tranfusions once or twice a month. My step dad wouldnt sleep or let hospice come in. Myself and 2 sisters agreed to help care for her. I was supposed to stay the weekend, but my step dad and i got into an argument saturday morning. I remember him yelling at me, shut up, dont talk to her. I thought he meant i would upset her, we didnt have the best relationship. Normally i stand up for myself, but this time i thought, not the time not the place!! I loomed at her, she at me then she turned her head and looked mad we were arguing. I said sorry mom. Half hr later we both appologized, but that was the last time my mom was awake. I went home because my anxiety was supet high and my older sister stayed with them. 5:15 am i was pumching into work and got the call, she was gone. I guess im just looking for some answers. My mom and i never got along, but in the end she would yell at everyone, except me?? Why?? I have so many unanswered questions and i nevet got the chance to talk to her. I was goimg to that saturday night but my step dad kept tellimg me not to talk to her?? I love her sooo much, i regret not telling her more often. I get sad then angry. Is this normal?? I feel so lost. Why then?? For years we heard it, we just never thought it would happen. Her and I were not nice to eachother and i really dont know why, it was like that for as long as i can remember. I dont think our relationship would have changed if she were still here, so why do i feel so sad,mad,angry?? Theres many other things that go into this, i just cant think anymore today. Life is a gift, we should never take it for granted♡♡ should i have asked the questions i still ha e while she was here?? I felt guilty for wanting to so i never did. Yet i now have to live with these unanswered questions. Cancer is horrible, i pray for the day they find a cure!! My great grandmother/breast cancer. My gram/uterine cancer. My older sister/ cervicle cancer and my mother was wonder women/ stage 4 non hodgkins lymphoma/vulva cancer/ years if chemo/stem cell transplant/bone marrow tests and MDS. They say, she probably got MDS from the stem cell trans plant and she also fell and broke her ankle horribly bad!! I love you mom, i hope you love me to and hear me talk to you♡♡

  2. #2
    I go to a bereavement counselor at the hospice where my husband died. It’s nice to get my feelings out there. Maybe you should look into it.
    His fight is over. How brave he was. 47 years of love.

  3. #3
    Moderator Top User jorola's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Listen to your heart, she is there.
    Wife to husband with squamous lung cancer stage 3 b
    dx - April 20/14
    tx started May 20/14 - radiation and chemo
    June 23 - chemo finished
    July 4 - radiation finished
    July 8 - PET scan shows tumor almost gone, lymph nodes back to normal
    Married July 19/14
    Sept 9/14 - repeat can shows tumor continues to shrink more, no new spots. New coughing and pain due to chest infection or side effect of radiation.
    Sept 19/14 - not infection but pneumonitis, place on dex for 4 weeks
    Oct 22/14 - now off of dex and facing even more symptoms of withdrawal
    Dec 16/14 - pretty much nothing left but a scar
    April 7/15 - ditto scan and screw you stats
    Oct 6/15 - more scarring but still cancer still gone
    Feb 2016 -scan the same
    Aug 2016 - more of the same
    Aug 2017 - and ditto
    Aug 2018 - 4 yrs NED - no evidence of disease
    Aug 2019 - 5 yrs NED and discharged from cancer clinic!!!!!


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