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Thread: I am already devastated

  1. #1
    Newbie New User
    Join Date
    Apr 2018

    I am already devastated

    Recently (just one day ago) I found out that my grandmother has cancer. I don't know much about because I don't like talking about it or asking questions, but as I understood there's nothing the doctors can do to help her, it's too late. All she has is strong painkillers. Now all I have done for two days is crying. I cried on my way to school, in school and after school. I am so sad because it feels like my grandma will die too soon, and that crushes me. I have only coped with one big loss before, but then I was a bit younger and didn't really understand everything, I guess.

    I imagine how sad I must be WHEN it happens, if I am this sad before. Besides this, I am also scared that nothing will be the same. That my mother will be sad all the time for months or years, that we can never laugh and joke together again, and that I won't feel happy for a very long time. That I won't be able to have fun with friends or perform in school.

    I know this is impossible to answer because it is so, so individual, but maybe someone can answer personally how you or someone you know reacted in these moments:
    .From diagnosis to passing away, how long time may it take? (she has three tumours)
    .How long does this horrible phase last? (the one where I am sad 24/7, incapable of laughing etc)
    .Will I react the same way or stronger when that terrible day comes?
    .For how long will my mother (it's her mom aka my grandma that's sick) be sad? (by sad I mean as I said before, namely being sad all the time, not being able to laugh etc)?
    Sorry if this is unclear but I just felt like I needed to do this, I feel to upset to speak with people about this in real life.

  2. #2
    Moderator Top User
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Hi and sorry you have found the need to post about your grandmother, the lack of detail makes it hard to reply to some questions. What I would say though is often when people find out someone has terminal cancer they start grieving before the person dies. It sounds like your still a young person and you are taking this badly and are worried about the future, none of us know what the future holds and whether we will be here tomorrow. So perhaps think about how you can spend time with your gran, talking to her and letting her know how much you care for her, make happy memories and say all the things you need to. That way you will have more happy memories than sad ones and you can draw on the happy memories and talk to your mum about the good things you remember.
    If you have a counsellor at school perhaps you should arrange to see them and talk through your worries, talking does actually help and sharing worries the way you are now helps to.
    Life does not stop when someone dies, it continues and how that happens is down to you and you will find a way of dealing with it we all do, as will your mum.

    Go give your mum a hug and try to talk to her

    NHL DLBC aggressive stage 4B advanced
    diagnosed april 09
    after 8 rchop and a couple of delays, in remission
    some long term side effects to manage post treatment
    some blips and investigations on the journey but now
    22nd oct 2014 discharged no more hospital visits

    we are all on a roller coaster ride, riding blind never knowing where the highs and lows are.

  3. #3
    Super Moderator Top User po18guy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Also very sorry to hear this. You clearly have a very positive relationship with your grandmother. Let's roll the calendar back for a moment. Your grandmother had a grandmother, nd a mother. Both of them, as well as grandfathers, aunts, uncles and all other family members have faced death and are gone from our physical presence. Yet, your grandmother still loved and loves, still laughed and laughs. As johnr noted, life continues and our life is not a matter of having blood relatives around for the duration of our lives. We take the benefit of what we have received from our ancestors and we, in turn, hand that on to our own children.

    Every human that has ever lived has either died or must face that passage. Yet, look at how they retained their joy of life. Yes they grieved, but it was for themselves! And, that grieving is a dynamic process. We pass through it - we do not remain in it forever. Death is a psychological and spiritual wound. Wounds take time to heal. Knowing this, and that it is a process, allow yourself time to grieve, as we grieve the loss of what we love. If you did not greatly love your grandmother, you would have no need of grieving.

    How has your family - mom, dad, aunts uncles, dealt with the passage of loved ones? What do they believe? What philosophy, belief system, cultural or societal practice or religion do they/did they believe? Whatever it was or is, it provided them with comfort through the unavoidable death we all face. Do some checking. Ask them. Your grieving process has already begun. Where and when will it finish so that your life - still occurring moment by moment - may continue?

    Talk to your family and share with them. What you learn will last you a lifetime.


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