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Thread: Trapped in the Kingdom of Tears

  1. #1
    Senior User
    Join Date
    Dec 2012

    Trapped in the Kingdom of Tears

    This is an (edited) message to all you survivors. 'Just to prove that I really do know how to spell loss. Damn spell checkers.
    Thanks for the heads-up J.......

    Please don’t get trapped in the Kingdom of Tears!

    I’m a Stage 4 NSCLC patient and also a survivor of some grim loses. I am also a father, uncle, grandfather and great grandfather. So I’ve experienced and observed some serious loses in my almost 78 years including the loss of a son. None were easy. BUT, Po and others here remind us patients that we MUST live in the TODAY and not worry so much about what our tomorrows will bring.

    I recently had as conversation with my niece who has suffered the lose of her parents as a child and recently her husband. The conversation centered around the topic of “How to move on” after a heart wrenching loss. (More on this down the page.)

    Now, on to you survivors. Your loss is real and your pain is palatable. The question; “How can I go possibly go on?” is written between the lines of your grief.

    Moving on is NOT easy; BUT, You must move on and continue to live a productive life, even if it is only one day at a time. To not move on and to stagnate in the morass of grief and loss is a sure sign of disrespect to the one(s) you have lost. Ask yourself; “What would the one you lost say to me(you) right now?” I’ll bet he/she would say the same a I; “Get over it!” Is that cruel? Maybe; but it is reality. You don’t have to forget us, or the memories of our intertwined life to re-ground yourself in yourself.

    My wife and I have lived in this Cancer Life (together) for quite some time and recognize that at some point she will have to motor on ‘husband-less’. Hopefully we have prepared for her future, both emotionally and otherwise. Will she miss me? I hope so. Will she dwell on the past? I hope not. It ain’t healthy to live in yesterdays.

    Back to my recent conversation with my niece. She, like so many survivors, is torn between losing the connections to her late husband and recognizing that those connections should be placed in a new perspective. She worries about things like selling a house that she can’t afford and accepting that that isn’t dumping memories created there, it just being practical. She does not want to be trapped in the “woe-begone widow” type casting, but feels guilty when she goes out to just have some fun. Mentally she recognizes the need to let the past settle in to memories; emotionally, she is struggling. She will make it; after all, she IS my niece.

    So I say to all you survivors; “Moving on isn’t easy. BUT, sanity demands it.”

    If you don't, The Kingdom of Tears will surely drown you!

    With my deepest respect to all who have lived this jungle.
    Last edited by icaps3; 09-05-2018 at 03:51 AM. Reason: some spelling

  2. #2
    Administrator Top User lisa1962's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Zim, my friend, thank you for posting this rational perspective on love and loss.

    Grief is by far is the hardest emotion we face and moving forward us without doubt, painful but we must. Each person learns to do it at their own pace and sometimes experience setbacks but move on we must. It is the only way we can honor those we have lost and to use the influence they had in our lives to embrace what can not be taken from us, their love and cherished memories.

    My son recently was married and while it was a joyous occasion, thoughts of my own mother was with me on that day. She adored her grandson and would have been so happy. I had a moment on that day and shed tears in the fact their was an empty seat in my mind but then quickly cherished thoughts of her and allowed those thoughts to extend her happiness, if she could have been there, to guide me and smile for her. I do the same today with another upcoming wedding as our daughter is now engaged. My mother gave me life and showed me the way to be the mother i am today.


  3. #3
    Super Moderator Top User po18guy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Very true. The past is our prison - if we choose to dwell there. But, the worst punishment is that which we inflict on ourselves. We know that human life is finite. But, while cancer patients are often viewed as the first ones to go, that may not be true either. As with the pain of losing a child, our "healthy" spouses may depart before we do. Yet, as it was with cancer, I am aware of that and will deal with it should it come to pass. Possibility is not probability, so it is no preoccupation.

    Life changes constantly. It is a gift. What do we do with that gift? It is an insult to receive a gift and never open it. Some gifts delight and some disappoint, but we still have received them. Dwelling in the past is like never opening that gift. Unfolding the wrapping involves uncertainty - much like our unfolding lives.

    Yet, with loss, what is gone? Not the love we felt for the departed, as that love lives on in our hearts and does not die. While all we seem to feel is the loss, how could we sense loss if we had not gained from them over all of those years? How much of a poverty it would be to never have known them; to never have loved them!

    It all traces back to love. Love is a risk. It is a giving without guarantee of receiving. Still, we are called to give. Love assumes the risk of loss... "For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health..."

    We seem only to hear the "better" "richer" and "health" in those vows. Yet, love is not complete until and unless we also, to some degree, experience the worse, the poorer and yes, the sickness.

    Such is life. Such is love.

  4. #4
    I am struggling as is my son but we are trying. I have so much to do and am getting ready for surgery. So proud of my son. He usually depended a lot on his Dad and his advice. But he went to a lot of trouble to get the job he’s been wanting a long time. And he got it. My DIL is very sad because her parents are moving to VA and she wants to move there too. She wants me to go with them but I just don’t see that happening. So, my son, our only child, does not want to leave me.
    I told them they have their own lives to lead. I think she will be miserable without them. I told my son he should make his wife happy. So, he’s torn. But she comes first I told him. If they do move to VA it won’t be for awhile because David just started a new job he loves. But I don't want to be a burden to them.
    My husband will always be in my heart and my life. Never will I marry or have a new relationship. He’s too hard an act to follow. I meant my vows. In sickness and in health, for better or worse. We went through good health and bad health. We went through better and we certainly went through worse. I hate he suffered but am grateful God stopped the suffering.
    Life does go on. But I can’t wait for the day I see my sweet husband again.
    I’m trying to figure out where I want to live. This house is too much for me but I can’t afford assisted living or senior housing. So, a lot to figure out.
    I don’t cry like I used to. I miss him terribly. Living in a new smaller place with NO YARD would help. With 4 animals, it complicates things. An apartment is not the answer. So, a lot to figure out.
    I think of my husband so often. Having the kids living here helps a lot but it’s understable they want their own place. They help me with expenses but I need a place I can afford and they need their own life.
    Life goes on. I know my husband, God and Jesus are with us all.
    His fight is over. How brave he was. 47 years of love.

  5. #5
    Super Moderator Top User Baz10's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    I lost my father (CRC), mom (metastised LC), cousin (lymphoma), uncle Fred (stomach cancer), Aunti Ruth (Ovarian) that’s only a few.

    Myself, that’s another long story but grief is something that we can handle or dwell on or at worst immerse ourselves in completely.
    Like anxiety it achieves no measurable benefit, just the opposite.

    Do I miss mom and dad and lose relatives of course I do, do I think of them most days of course.
    Yet dads words were, when I’m gone I’m gone, then make your life and make certain you live it.
    From a man that suffered several heart attacks and strokes, yet refused to buckle.
    Diagnosed stage 3 March 011
    Radical resection April 011
    Restaged 2b April 011.
    12/09 Colonoscopy clear but picked up hospital infection.
    Aorta & femoral arteries occluded.
    Clot buster drugs put me in ICU with internal bleeding. 9 blood units later they got it under control.
    Aortobifemoral surgery 5th May. yughh.
    PET scan indicates clear
    DEXA bone scan clear
    13/5 CT showed "unknown" but no concern from docs.
    Inguinal lymph nodes and severe groin pain.
    Ultrasound and MRI show no nasties. Pheww
    Groin pain and enlarged lymph nodes still there.
    October -still the same pains but under semi control.
    Additional chest CT scan ordered for 11th November prior to surgery.
    Sinus surgery done and dusted.
    July 2014 PSA at 5.10. 2months of antibiotics in case of UTI, jan 2015 PSA at 7.20, 23/08 now 8.2, current 8.1
    Prostate Cancer confirmed Gleason 3+Marginal 4.
    Active surveillance continues.
    PET CT Aug 2017 indicated lung nodule changes
    CT Guided biopsy 7/09
    November 1 Vats Wedge section pathology Glomulated previous infection
    no Cancer.

    Not all's rosy in the garden, but see following.
    Stop grumbling Baz, your still alive and kicking so far.
    Age and illness doesn't define who we are, but more what we are able to do.
    Do what I love doing, when I can until I can't.
    and dodging bullets in the meanwhile, too many bullets at moment.


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