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Thread: Dad on hospice and I live far away

  1. #11
    Hello everyone,

    I am still in LA after 5 weeks away. I have a ticket home for the 24th. It will be so good to see my dad. I speak to him on the phone every day and it is still incredibly difficult for me. The steroids are continuing to help, although I seem to notice subtle changes in his personality. He seems less interested to talk to me and more irritable than I remember. He also cannot deal with any sort of stress. I made the mistake of telling my parents that my housing situation has disintegrated out here. My roommate, who knows fully what my current situation is, has decided that this is the perfect time to inform me that I have to vacate the apartment within the month, leaving me to search for a new place and pack and move while working full time and preparing to go home for a week. Needless to say, this upset my dad so much that he wasn't able to be on the phone with me at all for several days. I don't feel like I can talk to him about the important things anymore. I feel like he isn't interested in much at all, which I understand given his situation. I feel like I've already lost the father I knew. Hopefully in person contact will alleviate my fears, but the inevitable is staring me in the face and I'm finding it still so hard to accept.

    The stress of starting a new job and apartment hunting and figuring out the logistics of moving has given me quite the distraction for some time now. But I still find myself bursting into tears every few days. I miss him even while he still remains. I'm in so much pain.

    Thanks all,
    Rachel

  2. #12
    Senior User
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    Jun 2017
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    Rachel,
    I think right now your dad isn't himself because of the cancer and the medication(s). My oncologist wanted to give me steroid med not to treat my cancer but for side effects of cancer treatment and she said I would get agitated on it. I said "No thanks". So, maybe this is why your father is acting like this. It must be very hard for you but think of the dad he used to be and hold on to that.
    Linda

  3. #13
    Senior User
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
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    309
    Hello Rachel,

    ‘Talk about a stress load…...you’ve got one, young lady. It can’t be helped so the best thing to do is just ‘Roll with the Flow’. Find a new crash site and wave ‘bye’ to your current roommate.
    “Illegitimi non carborundum” or don’t let the bastards grind you down!

    I’m such an anti-steroid old guy. They made me crazy, and a real grouch!! I think that Linda (my wife) was on the verge of saying that either the steroids went or BOTH the steroids and I were to go.

    Seriously, you will have to cut Rich a lot of slack as long as he’s is on the steroids. Remember that ‘it’s the steroids talking’ lots of the time. I was a really meanie at times, but underneath it all, I was still me. Rich is still in there, and he loves you.

    Take care, zim

  4. #14
    Hi guys,

    Well Iíve made it back to WI at last and I have the most horrible timing. Latest symptoms seem to point to brain metastases. Just a few days before I came, he started to become confused, have trouble walking and swallowing, and his nausea has come back with a vengeance. He is scared and keeps saying that ďsomethings weird/not right.Ē He was doing quite well a few days ago but it seems heís on the decline now. He is in misery and we are trying to figure out what to do for him. It was quite horrifying to see him as he has lost all muscle mass.

    Now I have big decisions to make. I have only a week long break from work and am supposed to be back there on Sept 3rd. I also stupidly kept the keys to my old apartment thinking I would return them when I grabbed the rest of my stuff on the 1st. I have many things to take care of and many responsibilities but now I am afraid to leave. I donít want him to call for me and Iím not there. I donít want to let him down in his final hours. But who could know just when they will be?

    Hospice is on their way now and hopefully they will be able to do something, anything for him. And perhaps provide some insight.

    Rachel

  5. #15
    Senior User
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
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    309
    Hello Rachel,

    I’m glad that you are back in WI for a few days. You get to hug your Dad.

    Now for the hard part: You are dealing with your entire FUTURE here! All of your decisions must keep that in perspective. As hard as it might be, you have to set emotions aside and govern your life rationally. Base your decisions on your long term well being. (No matter how badly you may hurt today.)

    Now things would be different if you were Rich’s only caregiver, but you aren’t and he is surrounded by others that love him as well as the hospice folks. He is as OK as he can be!! Your presence won’t change that; but it will make more work load for your mom.
    “How long will he last?”
    Who knows. It is what it is.
    (I interject here that I’m still here (Stage4 since 2012) and don’t plan on leaving soon!!)
    Loss of weight or body mass is expected..I’m half the man I used to be and as weak as a kitten.

    If you absolutely must get those keys back by the first-- 2day FEDEX them to your so understanding apt mate! Hopefully, you are a neat house-mate, so gathering up your stuff on the 3rd shouldn’t crimp anyone’s panties.

    DO THE RIGHT THING FOR YOUR FUTURE!!!

    Regards, zim

  6. #16
    Thanks so much Zim. You have really given me comfort during this time. Unfortunately I suppose the point is moot as my dad passed early Tuesday morning in his sleep. My immediate family all were asleep on the floor around him. We are blessed to have been with him and able to talk to him and hold his hands nearly until the end. We are quite in shock though. We never expected such a quick and precipitous decline. He was diagnosed only 4 months ago. I’ll never understand why horrible things happen to kind and gentle people. I’ll never ask him all I wanted to ask. But he knew we loved him until the very last breath. And so it is.

    Wishing you all the best,
    Rachel

  7. #17
    Senior User
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
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    130
    Dear Rachel,
    Your post made me cry. I am so sorry for you and your family and for what your father went through. I am glad you were able to me there. It is hard to understand why some of the nicest, kindest people get cancer and go through so much.
    Linda

  8. #18
    Senior User
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
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    309
    Hi Rachel,

    Please accept my most sincere condolences. These are the tough moments in your life.
    I know that you will support your Mom and other family member to the best of your ability and hopefully you will come out of this a much stronger person.

    Life may not be ‘fair’, but it is what it is and must be dealt with accordingly. I’m sure that Rich enjoyed the love of his family (and the success of his daughter) immensely. He may be gone now, but his teachings and his memory will live on in your memory and in your heart throughout your existence. Remember him well, and do well for him.

    Rest in Peace, Rich. Fair winds and following seas for your journey.

    Regards, zim

 

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