Just want to type out what’s on my mind ...

[JiminPdx]

Josh, check your friend requests— just following up on your post to me. I hope your anxiety is getting better. I know that sometimes as people come to the end of a difficult period — like your five year wait for a clean bill of health – anxiety and PTSD symptoms can flare. Just observing them dispassionately and acknowledging that the anxiety is flaring can be helpful. View it like an anthropologist

[Josh Clarke]

Thanks to everyone. Today is very anxiety-filled (probably because my appointment is tomorrow). Even though the risk of leukemia from ABVD is basically non-existent, I can’t convince myself I don’t have it. I’d take a Hodgkin relapse at this point because the outcomes are better than leukemia. The mind and its games can be more powerful than facts. I have bruises (but they are yellowish-brown, so healing?). I’ve convinced myself this back pain is my enlarged spleen. What a slippery slope I am on today. Thinking about going to get a blood test today. If it is normal, I will be relieved. If it is not, my anxiety will shoot through the roof. Fuck cancer! I beat it, but it will just not go away!

[po18guy]

My advice is not to give cancer - either real or imagined - more power than it has. Imaginary cancer is ruining the lives of thousands of otherwise healthy individuals. Now that is a shame.

This is going to sound flip, but cancer no longer scares me. I have either faced down or fought through so much of it that it is no longer the threat that it was.

Worst case scenario: If you do have some form of malignancy, do you curl up in a ball and wait for the end? No! Why? Because you are loved, and because you love others. For that sole reason, you fight.

That's all.

[Josh Clarke]

Thank you, poguy! You always calm me down a bit. You should be a counselor! Can I start paying you now?! I’ve been talking with my mom and she always reminds me that someone always has gone through worse. I said, “I know that, and I’ve actually talked with the guy.” I then sent her your history. I will fight, no matter if it is cancer or otherwise. And if it is just anxiety, I need to fight that too and not let it take me over during these times of high stress.

Thanks, again.

[po18guy]

Crush the anxiety. Stomp on it. Annihilate it. Have no mercy since it has no mercy on you!

You are intended to live in peace, both within and without.

[Josh Clarke]

WBC
Your value
9.18 x10(9)/L
Standard range
4.00 - 10.50 x10(9)/L
RBC
Your value
4.53 x10(12)/L
Standard range
4.00 - 5.50 x10(12)/L
Hemoglobin
Your value
14.4 gm/dL
Standard range
13.0 - 17.0 gm/dL
Hematocrit
Your value
43.7 %
Standard range
37.0 - 50.0 %
MCV
Your value
96.5 fL
Standard range
82.0 - 100.0 fL
MCH
Your value
31.8 pg
Standard range
28.0 - 35.0 pg
MCHC
Your value
33.0 gm/dL
Standard range
31.0 - 36.5 gm/dL
RDW, CV
Your value
12.8 %
Standard range
11.0 - 14.5 %
RDW, SD
Your value
45.9 fL
Standard range
36.0 - 50.0 fL
Platelet Count
Your value
330 x10(9)/L
Standard range
140 - 375 x10(9)/L
MPV
Your value
10.7 fL
Standard range
fL

% Neutrophils
Your value
69.90 %
Standard range
%
% Myeloid Precursors Auto
Your value
0.3 %
Standard range
%
% Lymphocytes
Your value
21.20 %
Standard range
%
% Monocytes
Your value
7.00 %
Standard range
%
% Eosinophils
Your value
1.20 %
Standard range
%
% Basophils
Your value
0.40 %
Standard range
%
# Neutrophils
Your value
6.41 x10(9)/L
Standard range
1.80 - 8.30 x10(9)/L
# Myeloid Precursors Abs Auto
Your value
0.03 x10(9)/L
Standard range
0.01 - 0.07 x10(9)/L
# Lymphocytes
Your value
1.95 x10(9)/L
Standard range
1.00 - 4.80 x10(9)/L
# Monocytes
Your value
0.64 x10(9)/L
Standard range
0.00 - 0.90 x10(9)/L
# Eosinophils
Your value
0.11 x10(9)/L
Standard range
0.00 - 0.40 x10(9)/L
# Basophils
Your value
0.04 x10(9)/L
Standard range
0.00 - 0.20 x10(9)/L
ANC Auto
Your value
6.42 x10(9)/L
Standard range
1.80 - 8.30 x10(9)/L

All blood results seem to be within normal range. Neutrophils are a bit higher than “my normal”. Maybe from the stress and anxiety?

[po18guy]

Probably. And, as you remember, blood numbers rarely have any significance in lymphoma - except at very late stage when it is obvious and you are in treatment.

I say: forget your blood. I would love to have those numbers, as mine are all wonky. What about your cognition?

[Josh Clarke]

Just finished up my visit with my PCP. I was seeing her for back pain, but I brought up all the issues that have been bothering me. She said most of them were imaginary. She taught me some exercises to better my posture and avoid back pain. We went over my blood results and (as I already knew) she said they looked normal. I BEGGED for a peripheral blood smear and she refused. She said she saw no reason to do anymore testing. She finished up the visit by referring me to a therapist. I think I’m going to follow up on that this time ...

As much as these threads end up being cautionary tales for myself, hopefully someone else reads them and calms down a bit too.

[johnr]

Josh first its really important you do follow up with the therapist don't turn down the chance to bring some normality back into your life.

As for your back do some core exercises and keep them going and you will reduce the long term issues and improve your posture which often contributes to back pain.

Do update this thread with your therapy visits as it will help others and good on your doctor for refusing more tests as that only feeds the anxiety.

good luck
John

[Josh Clarke]

I have decided to try something different and I’d like some input/advice.

I think I feel some lymph nodes in my neck and collarbone area. I’m not positive they are lymph nodes, but I’m pretty sure. Most are very small, like a few mm. One feels a little bigger, maybe a little more than a cm. Sometimes they feel soft, sometimes a little harder.

I never fully recovered from the anxiety mentioned at the beginning of this thread, but it definitely got better. I’m still waiting for my initial mental health phone call appointment. It is this Wednesday. The minor anxiety is what caused me to start poking around.

I have no fevers, weight loss, or night sweats. I’m starting to get embarrassed by how much I email my doctors about things that turn out to be nothing. I’m embarrassed by how much I emotionally break down in front of friends and family about things that turn out to be nothing.

I have decided to wait and watch my nodes to see if they grow. I know if I contact my hematologist he will probably schedule a blood test (which have always been normal) and a scan which is an anxiety trigger and expensive.

Is it safe what I’m doing? Should I let my doctor know? Ideally, I’d like him to feel the “nodes” first before moving on to a scan, but that isn’t always possible in a timely manner.

I guess I’m venting here because I’m keeping this from everyone else in my life.

Thanks for listening.